


You're Worth Every Mile Between Us

by K17L53



Series: Soulmate AU [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, College AU, F/F, Long-Distance Relationship, Modern AU, Soulmate AU, around about ch 5-6, eventual angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2018-10-10 21:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 52,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10447425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Part II of my soulmate AU with college!clexa. We have new characters coming in, new friends for Clarke and Lexa, and a lot more new Clexa cuteness. Long distance isn't easy but they're doing pretty well, and things are going up until something goes wrong. More like a mugging goes wrong and Lexa ends up on the worse end of it. [see notes]





	1. Hey babe

**Author's Note:**

> the "something goes wrong" is going to be the main-ish story for this part and that's going to come around in around ch 5/6. up until that, it's just setting up the scene and all that because i know there's about 129474859 college AU already. so i'm excited for this part and i hope you guys like it. 
> 
> also, if you haven't read the first part, you can still read it without reading that one. it shouldn't be confusing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting the scene, meeting a new character, and seeing how our girls are settling into college life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo first chapter yay. i'm excited for this ride. so this chapter is not much really, there's a couple of cute/soft clexa scenes. and we meet lexa's roommate + soon-to-be best friend and well, we're just setting up the scene.

 

> _28 th August 2017 – Monday_

 

Lexa was sitting at one of the two desks in her new dorm room, setting it up with her notebooks and stationery when the soft knock on the door caught her attention. Turning around in her swivel chair, she faced the door as someone turned the handle. “It’s open,” She called out, waiting a moment because she was not really sure who it could be as the…rather _large_ man pushed it open and stepped inside.

 

“Hi,” He spoke once he had stepped inside, Lexa picking up on the English accent instantly. “I’m Lincoln.” He introduced himself.

 

“Hi,” Lexa stood up, taking a step towards him, recognizing the name as her new roommate’s; the college had sent everyone a brief profile of their dorm mates just so they’d have an idea of what to expect. “Lexa.” She held out her hand and Lincoln shook it.

 

“It’s nice to meet you Lexa,” Lincoln said. “I guess we’re living together now.” He added lightly.

 

They didn’t really talk much after that, just a few words here and there as they both went about unpacking their things. They got to learn a little about each other, well only the basics; Lincoln was about a year older than Lexa, he was here for college from England – something Lexa picked up on when he had walked into their dorm given the accent – and as of now, he was planning on sticking around here even after. Lexa didn’t have much to say either, only about as much as Lincoln, just that she was from DC and what she was studying. He seemed like a really nice guy – not something Lexa could say about too many guys she’s met – so far, she was quite happy with who she was paired with.

 

“So…I don’t see your tattoo.” Lincoln asked casually, wanting to have something to talk about; it was later on in the day, once they were done with unpacking and settling in, well they were done _for today_. He was lying on his bed, legs hanging out as he stared up at the ceiling.

 

“Don’t see your’s either.” Lexa replied from her bed across the room, she was sitting up straight with her back against the wall, phone in her hand.

 

“I asked first…?” He tried with a small smile, sitting up to look at her.

 

Lexa nodded in response, pointing at the spot on the side of her chest over her t-shirt. “It’s right here,” She told him, not really wanting to pull her shirt up. “It says _Clarke_.”

 

“Ah nice,” Lincoln replied. “Do you know who the lucky guy is?”

 

“Not a guy,” Lexa shook her head. “She’s a beautiful blue eyed blonde who’s in New York right now.” She smiled, it was hard not to do that when she was thinking about Clarke. Lexa only got here today but Clarke had left for New York day before yesterday so they were already missing each other a bit too much. They hadn’t really talked much because Clarke was busy settling in and Lexa can see why now because she had probably only texted Clarke a handful of times today amidst unpacking and getting everything sorted.

 

“Lucky girl, then.” Lincoln corrected himself.

 

“What about you?” Lexa asked. “Know who your person is?”

 

Lincoln pulled up the sleeve of his t-shirt, revealing his shoulder and the four letters on his skin. “Not yet,” He said looking down at it before turning back to Lexa. “It says _Anya_.” It was only fair to tell Lexa, after all she told him her’s.

 

“Wait what?” Lexa straightened up, eyes going wide as she processed what Lincoln just said. “Anya?”

 

“Yeah, why?” Lincoln asked in return, confused by her reaction.

 

“Well…I _know_ an Anya.” Lexa started. “Who happens to have a tattoo on her calf that says,” She shook her head, this should’ve come to her mind sooner, “ _Lincoln,_ as far as I can remember.” She should’ve remembered this straight after Lincoln introduced himself this morning.

 

“Really?” He asked carefully.

 

“Uh, yeah.” Lexa pulled out her phone. “Well, Anya’s my sister.” She added with a shrug as she tapped on her phone, about to call her.

 

“Wait, seriously?” He sounded surprised, but not in the way Lexa had expected her to be; there was something else about the way he said it, the surprise sounded like it was because what Lexa said was out of the world crazy, because this could _never_ happen – almost worried that it wasn’t true.

 

“Adoptive sister, but yeah,” Lexa nodded, falling silent for a second. “Do you want her number or do you want me to talk to her?” She asked raising her eyebrows after a moment of silence. Lexa seemed to already be a little comfortable around him, she’s not really sure why but it was probably because so far, he seemed like a nice guy.

 

“I would ask for her number because I’m usually pretty good with the ladies.” He replied jokingly and Lexa rolled her eyes at him. “But I think it would be a little weird for a stranger with an English accent to call out of the blue and say _‘Hi, I might be your soulmate_ ’.” Lincoln suggested. “I don’t really think I want you to call her either…not yet anyways.”

 

“Why not?” Lexa asked, leaning back against the wall again.

 

Lincoln thought about his answer for a moment, hoping he wouldn’t regret his response. “Did you tell Clarke she was your soulmate right after you found out?”

 

Lexa let out a small sigh, “No,” She shook her head. “I kinda waited a whole year before telling her actually…”

 

He nodded to himself, happy with the answer he had given her. “Well I don’t think I want to wait that long,” Lincoln replied. “But I still want to wait a little bit before telling her…”

 

Lexa nodded, “Whenever you want.” She told him, “Just know I can’t keep this from her too long.”

 

.

 

“Hey babe,”

 

Lexa smiled as she heard Clarke’s voice from the other side of the phone. “Hi,” She was alone in their dorm room, lying in bed with only a small reading lamp turned on on the desk. Her and Lincoln were mostly done unpacking and he was at the campus’s gym right now; she would’ve gone with him but 1) unlike Lincoln, Lexa had literally no energy left right now and, 2) she knew Clarke was free now so she’d rather talk to her now. “How was your day?”

 

“Kinda busy.” Clarke replied as she let out a small sigh, relaxing into bed herself. “Classes start tomorrow so everyone’s getting everything in check.” She told her. “How’s the roommate?”

 

“He’s great actually.” Lexa replied. “I don’t know what I was expecting but he’s definitely a lot better.”

 

“That’s good.” Clarke replied with a smile. “Wait did you say _he_?”

 

“Oh yeah.” Lexa nodded to herself. “It’s a co-ed dorm.” She probably forgot to mention that to Clarke until now.

 

“What’s he like?” Clarke asked. “I think I’m a little jealous that he gets to live with you and I don’t.” She wasn’t worried about her roommate being a guy, not at all, Lexa didn’t give her any reason to be worried so Clarke figured it was all fine. But she still wanted to know what he was like, from what Lexa had just said, he sounded like a decent guy so that was good.

 

“Well, he knows I’m very much in love, so you have nothing to be jealous about.” Lexa said with a small smile. “And like I said, he’s nice; it’s the first day so that’s about it really.”

 

“Is he cute?” Clarke asked monotonously, no reason for asking other than just curiosity.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa only let out a small sigh, rolling her eyes.

 

“What?” Clarke said defensively. “I’m just curious.”

 

Shaking her head with a small, amused smile, Lexa answered anyways. “Fine, he is.” She said with a shrug. “He’s at the gym right now while I’m sprawled out on the bed so that’s how serious he is about his body…” Lexa tried to answer Clarke’s question but when you’re not at all into guys, it’s a little hard. “I’m trying Clarke, but that’s about all I have. He’s cute…I guess.”

 

“You’re no fun.” Clarke joked. “But what I’m getting is, he has a great body right?”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes again, before realizing Clarke couldn’t see her. “Enough about that, did you get your Wi-Fi to work yet?” Last time she had talked to Clarke yesterday, her Wi-Fi wasn’t working because for some reason she couldn’t get college internet to connect to her devices. But turns out the two guys across from her room were good with tech so Clarke went over to ask them to help her out.

 

“Yeah, Jasper and Monty,” Clarke started. “The guys across the hall from me, they finally figured it out what was wrong – I still don’t know – so yeah, I have Wi-Fi now.”

 

“Good,” Lexa nodded. “Call me on FaceTime, I want to see you.”

 

“Someone’s needy.” Clarke joked in a suggestive tone.

 

It was nice seeing her again, it felt like it had been forever and it made them both realize how it wasn’t going to be easy to not see each other in person for months at a time. They were both tired from their days and didn’t really have much to say but they were still happy just seeing each other. Lexa asked Clarke about her roommate, Clarke telling her that she had gotten here just today; Maya, who seems nice and coincidentally is Jasper’s soulmate. Speaking of tattoos, Lexa told Clarke about Lincoln’s one, getting a very loud gasp from the other side of the phone screen and Clarke practically yelling at her for not calling Anya yet “ _You need to tell her, Lexa come on._ ” “ _I will…soon. Lincoln asked me to wait_.”

 

It wasn’t long before Lincoln returned, showered and changed out of the gym clothes he had left in. “I told myself I wasn’t going to fall asleep straightaway after getting back but the lack of light in here is making that really hard.” He said to Lexa as he closed the door behind him, about to step towards his bed when he noticed Lexa was on the phone. “Who’s this?”

 

“Clarke, this is the roommate.” Lexa started, turning her phone around so he could see her and vice verse. “And Lincoln, this is the beautiful blue eyed blonde from New York.”

 

“Hi,” Lincoln gave her a small wave as he stepped up next to Lexa so Clarke could see both of them.

 

“He’s cuter than you said, Lex.” Clarke started with a small smirk.

 

Lincoln looked at Lexa with an amused smile, “You said I was cute?”

 

“Well…she asked if you were…” Lexa started hesitantly, moving over so Lincoln could sit down. “And…” She tried to find something to say, finally settling on just, “Yeah.”

 

“You called me beautiful?” Clarke asked this time.

 

“Well,” Lexa shrugged. “You are.”

 

“Aww,” Lincoln and Clarke said in unison, causing Lexa to only roll her eyes at them – or was it at herself.

 

“Is she always this soft around you?” Lincoln asked Clarke.

 

“You have no idea.” Clarke answered, her eyes not moving from Lexa as she caught a disapproving look. “This is really nothing.”

 

.

 

 

> _15 th SSeptember 2017 – Friday _

 

It had been two weeks since their classes had started, and in that time they had both been busy settling in with everything; classes, roommates, new friends…living alone in general. They were busy to say the least but now it was starting to dawn on both of them how much they were missing each other. The first week, and even the start of the second, everything was too hectic for them to pay much attention to anything other than just settling in with everything new around them. But now, it was starting to feel more real – they missed each other, a lot actually, more than they thought really because they were always used to seeing each other pretty much everyday. But now it was just a FaceTime call everyday – two if they could make the time – and texts here and there, hopefully a couple of phone calls.

 

Other than that, they were both doing pretty well. Lexa was getting along with people from her classes, well only the ones she actually talked to but that was still more than Lexa was expecting. She probably would’ve just stayed in her dorm room or at the library alone if it wasn’t for Lincoln; he was a people’s person apparently, and within the first week he had made a few friends so Lincoln was constantly dragging Lexa out with them. She was pretty grateful for that actually, because if it weren’t for him, she probably would’ve met one other person so far. Lexa kind of found herself being more _social_ than usual – that’s mostly on Lincoln because he tried to push her out of her shell as much as he could without making her uncomfortable.

 

Clarke was doing alright too, she never really had a problem meeting new people and making friends so it was all going as well as she had expected really. Jasper and Monty, the two guys across the hall kind of just seemed to tag along with Clarke and they ended up becoming friends pretty fast. The boys had a TV up in their room and watched a lot of movies so only in the two weeks, it had become a thing for both Clarke and Maya to just pop up there whenever they could hear them watching something. The only person Clarke seemed to mind in her company was this guy named Finn from one of her classes, she’s not sure how he made it into their little _friend group_ – if you could even call it that just yet – he kind of just seemed to start talking to Clarke on the first day and when she left class to meet up with Jasper, Monty, and Maya…Finn just stuck around for some reason. Jasper seemed to be the only one who didn’t mind him around; Monty was fine the first couple of days but after that he realized how annoying Finn really was.

 

“God, I missed you so much.” Lexa said with a soft smile as Clarke answered the FaceTime call on her laptop. The most they’d gotten in the last two days were phone calls at night because the classes were finally starting to pick up and they were suddenly thrown into a lot of work.

 

“I’ve missed you too,” Clarke almost whined, “I’ve just been so busy because they decided to start throwing literally everything at us without a little warning.”

 

“I know.” Lexa nodded. “It was going up pretty steadily but then suddenly it just up like that,” She motioned with her hands, trying to demonstrate a graph that was going up slowly but then suddenly peaked. “How are you doing though? How was your day?”

 

“I’m doing alright,” Clarke smiled at her, “And my day was boring, I spent most of it in the library with Harper and then Monty joined us later. That’s about it.” She told her. “What about you?”

 

“Lincoln dragged me out again after class.” Lexa replied, receiving another smile from Clarke. When Lexa had first told Clarke about Lincoln and how he was probably going to end up being the only reason she has a social life for the next four years, Clarke was both amused and happy about it. She knew Lexa didn’t really love being around new people and would probably spend most of her time alone in the dorm or in the library. “Other than that, it was just homework.” Lexa stretched, moving to lie down as she let out a small grunt of pain.

 

“You alright?” Clarke asked, a little concerned.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lexa nodded, she was alone in the room right now, Lincoln still out, probably at the library right now because he said something about having an assignment due tomorrow. “I just started working out again like day before yesterday and I’m just a little sore.”

 

“Are those abs going to look even better the next time I see you?” Clarke asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I hope so, yeah.” Lexa replied, rolling her eyes.

 

“Are you alone right now?” Clarke asked out of the blue and Lexa nodded. “Is Lincoln coming back anytime soon?”

 

“Not for a few hours,” Lexa shook her head. “Why?”

 

“Well…” Clarke started. “It’s been a pretty stressful day…” She continued, her tone innocent but cocking an eyebrow suggestively. “And I haven’t really gotten the chance to be alone in a while…” Hopefully Lexa was catching on to what she was hinting at, in case she wasn’t, Clarke’s hand went to the hem of her t-shirt, pulling it up slightly.

 

“OH!” Yeah, it took Lexa a moment before she regained her composure. This isn’t something they’ve done before, not even over text really, so…maybe Lexa was a little nervous. She had a feeling they would get around to it though, given the long distance and all, but Lexa still wasn’t too sure about it. Not that she didn’t want to, no it wasn’t that, Lexa just wasn’t sure…about herself; she was finally _just_ comfortable in her _abilities_ in bed. “Uh, yeah.” She gave Clarke a small nod, not really seeing any reason to stop. “I’ve kinda had a pretty stressful day too. Think you can give me a hand?”

 

Clarke smiled back, pleasantly surprised with Lexa’s response. She wasn’t too sure when she suggested it, given how they’ve never done it before or…talked about it even, so Clarke would’ve understood if Lexa had said no. “Well, I don’t think I can physically give you a hand.” She started. “But…yeah, I think I can,” Clarke answered this time with a half shrug. “If you do the same for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awesome, well its 5:25am and i just finished editing this chapter so i'm hoping there weren't too many mistakes. i'm getting back to writing after a while so i'm getting back into the groove so i'm sorry if my writing feels off, it'll be back to normal soon. and thank you for reading, let me know what you thought.


	2. Everything alright?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finally gets the chance to talk to Anya so that's a fun conversation. And then there's Clarke, who's kind of questioning her major because of her mom and Lexa's there for her to talk it through with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little time jump, lexa talking with anya. another time jump, clexa talking because clarke's having doubts about her major because abby's not 100% supportive. but lexa's there for her as much as she can be given the distance. and we get to see them a little bit more with their friends.

> _10 th September 2017 – Sunday_

 

“How’s college?” Anya asked with a smile through the laptop’s screen.

 

It was a little later on in the night, a little past 10pm for Lexa and she was alone in their room studying. The laptop was open on one of the corners of the desk, Lexa looking down at the notebook in front her instead because she was waiting for Anya to answer her call. The two of them didn’t really get the chance to talk much since school started again, only a couple of texts because Anya wanted to know whether she had settled in alright. And they had both been busy with everything and settling in with the new school year so this was the first chance they’d gotten to have a proper conversation. Which was good in a way because it was only yesterday Lincoln lowkey asked Lexa to maybe drop a hint on her sister about the tattoo.

 

“Good,” Lexa nodded without looking up. “Better so far than I thought.”

 

Anya hesitated for a moment before asking, “And how are you doing on the friends department?”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, finally looking up. “Good, actually.” She said with a nod, Anya looking a little surprised. “I actually go out with people and don’t spend all my free time by myself. I think that’s pretty good; it’s what normal people do, right?”

 

“Very good, yes.” Anya agreed, disregarding that last part. “So you’re getting along with everyone alright?” She asked carefully; yes, she knew Lexa could handle herself but at the same time, she was her little sister and Anya couldn’t help but be a little protective, even now.

 

“This isn’t high school Anya,” Lexa let out a small sigh. “And yes, I’m getting along fine with everyone.”

 

“How’s the roommate, I haven’t asked about her.”

 

“Co-ed dorms, it’s _him_.” Lexa corrected, noticing the slightly worried look from her sister. “Don’t worry, he’s a great guy,” She said with almost a laugh, thinking about what she was going to say next. “I need to talk to you about that by the way,”

 

“What about it?”

 

“So your tattoo, it says _Lincoln_ right?” She asked, letting go of the pencil in her hand before spelling it out, “L-I-N-C-O-L-N?” Anya only nodded, not really knowing where she was going with this. “Okay well…my roommate, his name is Lincoln…” Lexa trailed off, watching as Anya’s eyes widened slightly. “And…he was a little tattoo that spells out A-N-Y-A.”

 

Anya remained silent for a moment before exclaiming, “AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME SOONER?” She asked. “Maybe like right after you found out?”

 

“I wanted to,” Lexa said defensively, “It was killing me but he didn’t want me to say anything until just yesterday.”

 

“Why didn’t you call me yesterday?”

 

She rolled her eyes, disregarding the question, “Do you want his number or…?”

 

“Yes,” Anya let out a defeated sigh, “Maybe…send me a selfie of him first…?”

 

* * *

> _22 nd September 2017 – Friday_

 

**Lexacoon**

**6:03pm**

Babe is everything okay? You seemed a little upset this morning.

 

They had only talked once earlier today, Clarke was on her way to class and Lexa had just after woken up in the morning. But it wasn’t for long only a couple of minutes; nevertheless, Lexa knew Clarke well enough by now to know when she was upset. She didn’t get the chance to ask her then what was wrong because they were both in a rush and even after, Lexa didn’t get the chance to talk to her about it up until now. She wasn’t sure when Clarke would be free today but Lexa decided to just send her a text which Clarke could reply to whenever she got the chance to.

 

**Sun and Stars**

**8:21pm**

Uh yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner Lexa, long day.

 

**Sun and Stars**

**8:21pm**

Are you busy right now?

 

**Lexacoon**

**8:24pm**

No. What’s up?

 

She _was_ busy though; they had been at the library for a few hours now and actually getting work done. Lexa was going to leave in about half an hour anyways because she wanted a couple of hours to herself and it seemed like Clarke needed to talk about something so no harm in calling it a little early.

 

**Sun and Stars**

**8:25pm**

Can I call you?

 

**Lexacoon**

**8:25pm**

I’m walking to my room now, I’ll call you in a couple of minutes. Okay?

 

**Sun and Stars**

**8:26pm**

Okay <3

 

“I gotta go,” Lexa said as she shoved her phone into her pocket, starting to put her books away.

 

“Everything okay?” Lincoln asked as everyone else at the table looked up.

 

“It’s Clarke,” Lexa told them, zipping her backpack, “But yeah, it’s fine. I’ll see you guys tomorrow, okay?”

 

Receiving a few nods and quiet ‘ _bye_ ’s, Lexa left, walking back towards her dorm room. It wasn’t really a short walk back from the library, about ten minutes, usually Lexa didn’t mind it because walking alone gave her a chance to clear her head but right now she wanted to be back in her bed as soon as possible with her laptop so she could call Clarke. Something seemed wrong; Clarke seemed upset in the morning and she never really asked to call, not like she had a little while ago today. So walking back, Lexa couldn’t stop herself from overthinking this; was it something to do with them, because the distance wasn’t the easiest thing ever? Did something else happen? Was she hurt?

 

Getting to her room, Lexa closed the door behind her as she dropped her backpack on the floor and knelt down to get her laptop out. Turning it on, she walked over to the bed and sat down, waiting for it to start-up.

 

“Hi,” Clarke said as she answered the FaceTime call, smiling at Lexa.

 

“Hey,” Lexa replied, a little more concerned. “Everything alright?”

 

Clarke just nodded slowly, thinking about it for a moment. “Uh, yeah.” She nodded again, not sounding convincing.

 

“You don’t sound like it.” Lexa encouraged her to continue, “What’s going on?”

 

“I…kind of had a fight…with my mom…” Clarke trailed off, looking away.

 

“What?” Lexa asked quietly, leaning back against her headboard. “What happened?” From what she has seen so far, maybe Clarke and her mom didn’t have the _closest_ relationship, but they still had a _good_ relationship. And there wasn’t anything Clarke had told her before that could explain this so Lexa had no idea what this could be about.

 

“I never talked about it but…she’s not really 100% supportive of me studying art.” Clarke started; no she hadn’t really told Lexa about this before. And given how much it bothered her, she probably should’ve. “And…she kinda thinks it’s a waste of time.”

 

“Oh,” This wasn’t what Lexa was expecting, well she wasn’t really expecting anything specific. “What happened today?”

 

“My mom just went on about that for almost an hour in the morning today, telling me how there’s still time to change my major because otherwise I’m going to regret these four years.” Clarke shook her head, bringing her hand up to her face and rubbing her eyes. “I’m just tired of hearing this.”

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked gently; she looked upset, really upset, telling Lexa this has been going on for a while now.

 

“I don’t know.” Clarke shrugged. “She’s been like this since before I even applied to college, but I followed my heart because I thought what I was doing was the right thing for me…” She trailed off again, “But I don’t know anymore,” She looked away from Lexa. “ _Am_ I doing the right thing? Or is my mom right and am I just going to regret it?”

 

Lexa shook her head at the last part. “Look, you know yourself better than your mom.” She started. “And I can’t really say what’s going to be right for you and what’s not, you’re the only one who knows that.” She told her with a small smile before pausing for a moment. “It’s your life babe, you wanted to do this because you love it, and you shouldn’t give it up just because one person thinks it’s the wrong choice for you.”

 

Clarke waited a moment, taking in what Lexa just said before nodding slowly. “So you don’t think I’m making a mistake? Studying art isn’t going to bite me in the ass a few years after we graduate?”

 

She shook her head again, “Not if you don’t think so.” Lexa told her. “And I know you don’t, because if you did, you wouldn’t have chosen to major in fine art in the first place.” She continued. “I don’t want you to give up on it just because your mom doesn’t think it’s the best fit for you, okay?” Lexa waited a moment for Clarke to respond, but she just remained silent. “I’m here for you, alright? And I will support you through whatever you want to do, no matter what.”

 

Clarke smiled at that, nodding slowly. “Thank you,” She told her. “I needed to hear this; my mom’s been in my head all day.” Clarke leaned forward, resting her face on her knuckles. “I miss you, so much.”

 

“I miss you too.” Lexa replied with a small smile, “You’re birthday’s tomorrow and I’m not there.” She told her, their conversation changing, “Any plans?”

 

“Not really,” Clarke let out a small breath, “I have a _lot_ of work to do over the weekend so I’m probably going to be doing that all day.” She added. “But I’m going out tonight with the gang, we’ll be out late.”

 

Lexa nodded at her, “When are you guys going?” There wasn’t much point to this conversation anymore really, they just wanted to hear each other’s voices. And yes, they both cared about what the other was doing even if it wasn’t anything _important_ so to speak.

 

“In about an hour I think.” Clarke replied, moving to lie down on her bed with the laptop next to her. “The boys are still studying, I’m not really sure where Maya is right now, and Harper’s sick so she’s not going anywhere.” She told Lexa, receiving another nod. “Oh and Finn is with some of his other buddies right now, he asked Jasper to give him a call when we head out.”

 

“I thought Finn was included in _the boys_ ,” Lexa said with a small laugh, knowing how Clarke didn’t really like him.

 

“I don’t wanna group his fuckboy self with Monty and Jasper,” Clarke shrugged, receiving an amused smile from Lexa. “They’re different species…” She paused for a moment, “Well, Jasper may be blurring the lines, but Monty’s too nice to be grouped with Finn.”

 

“Why do you hang out with him if you can’t stand him?” Lexa asked yet again.

 

Clarke shrugged lightly, “Do you know when you have that one person in your friend group who you have no idea how they became your friend because all they do is annoy you?” She asked rhetorically, “Yeah, that’s Finn.”

 

“Actually I _don’t_ know.” Lexa reminded, she never really had _enough_ friends to have _that friend_. “And I don’t really know how you can end up having _that friend_.”

 

“I actually don’t know either.” Clarke answered. “The boys seem to like him and I think that’s the only reason he’s still around.”

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment, “Even if they didn’t, I think he’d still be around, he doesn’t seem to be that good at taking hints.” She offered, “If he was, he wouldn’t have followed you to the boys the first day.”

 

“That’s true.” Clarke nodded, waiting a moment as she thought about what she wanted to say. Lexa didn’t seem to like Finn either – well how could she really, every time he came up in a conversation, Clarke never had anything good to say; he was mostly just annoying as far as Lexa knew. “You don’t like him much, do you?”

 

“I really can’t from what you’ve told me so far.” Lexa shrugged. “He just sounds really _really_ annoying.”

 

“That, he is,” She nodded at Lexa before hesitantly telling her what was on her mind. “He has also…kind of been…hitting on me…”

 

Lexa straightened up suddenly, “ _What?_ ” Clarke only let out a small sigh, “Since when?”

 

“Kind of…since the start.” Clarke answered. “It’s not a big deal, really.” She tried to brush it off before Lexa could say anything. “Just annoying.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lexa asked, a little annoyed, not by Clarke, no, by Finn.

 

“Are you jealous?” Clarke asked with an amused smile to which Lexa only rolled her eyes. “That’s cute.”

 

“No, Clarke,” She stopped her. “Why is he hitting on you?” Lexa asked, worrying for a moment whether Clarke even told her friends about her, or was she maybe too ashamed to? “Does he…not know about…us or-?”

 

“Of course he does.” Clarke shut her off, “They all do,” She told her. “Even if I tried to hide it for some reason, it would be very hard to do so, I mean my tattoo _is_ on my forearm.”

 

“Then why is he hitting on you?” She asked again.

 

“Because he’s a straight fuckboy? I don’t know, he hits on anything with a pulse.” Clarke tried. “It’s just annoying babe, that’s all.”

 

“He seems persistent given how it’s been a month.” Lexa shrugged, she was a little upset about this, more than she thought she would be really. “I wish I could be there with you tonight, just to scare him off.”

 

“I bet you could.” Clarke nodded.

 

Lexa scoffed, “Of course I could.”

 

“Is the gym paying off?” Clarke asked knowingly, receiving nods from Lexa. “Yeah? You haven’t really shown me.” She quirked an eyebrow, “How are those guns doing?” Another eye roll from Lexa, “They’ve always looked great babe, so I was just wondering what it’s like now.” She added. “Come on, show me…” She trailed off. “Flex.” Clarke whispered loudly, not really trying to be quiet.

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, looking away from Clarke before bringing her right arm up and using the other hand to pull up the sleeve up to her shoulder before flexing. “Not bad, right?” She asked, looking down at her biceps. “It’s been a little less than a month.”

 

“Bad?” Clarke asked rhetorically before scoffing. “It looks great already.” She told her. “Biceps are starting to pop out; can’t wait to _actually_ see you.”

 

“A little less than a month before we get a week off right?” Lexa asked rhetorically, and Clarke nodded. “You _are_ coming home though,” She said a little worryingly; as far as her college went, the dorms were open to them during these shorter week long breaks but they had to leave for the longer ones like Christmas. And as far as Lexa could assume, Clarke’s was the same.

 

“Oh yeah, definitely.” Clarke nodded. “The work load right now is _just_ manageable so I wanna enjoy my breaks while I can.” She told her. “Pretty sure by the next one of these short breaks, we’ll both be too busy to take the time off and go home.”

 

Lexa let out a breath as she nodded, “That’s true.” She told her, “I’m counting down the days.” She smiled at her.

 

Clarke was about to reply when Lexa heard a noise coming from the background and Clarke turned her head. “The boys just got back, we’re gonna head out soon.” She explained, “I should get dressed.”

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded. “Have fun, and stay safe, call me when you get back.” She shrugged, “Or text.”

 

“Okay _mom_.” Clarke rolled her eyes at how much Lexa cared.

 

“I love you,” She added casually with another small smile.

 

“Love you too babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2......we're slowly getting to the real bit of the fic. i'm hoping to get to it by ch 5-ish but yeah, i hope this was alright. i've been making little social media edits for this fic because i thought it'd work well given the long distance setting, there's two so far and i will make a couple for this one hopefully tomorrow (i seem to love making those). they're on my tumblr + this fic's tumblr http://k17l53.tumblr.com/ + https://smau-updates.tumblr.com/   
> anyways, i'm gonna shut up now, let me know what you thought. i'm trying to stay on top of my updates (once a week) and comments really help with that.....


	3. I missed this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are back home for the week so the first half is them getting ready to leave and there's also a scene with Clarke and Octavia. The second half is Clexa softness because they're seeing each other after a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't know i was capable of writing this kind of softness coz i smiled like an idiot while editing this. clarke and lexa are just the cutest thing ever and the mental image of lexa laughing is amazing. i've started drafting the ""main"" bit of this fic, i know i've said it before but i'm excited to write it. anyways, this is just a cute chapter, lot of fluff in the second half.

> _18 th October 2017 – Tuesday _

 

She was going home tonight, Lexa’s flight back to DC was at 8pm tonight so she was busy packing pretty much the entire day, and she couldn’t really wait to be back home. Classes were picking more and more so the past month had been stressful to say the least; and the thought of going home sounded very nice right now. She probably wouldn’t get much rest though, there was too much work to do even over the break – at least she’ll be home, and she’ll get to see Clarke, sleep in maybe. But Lexa was tired, really tired, she’s pulled two all-nighters in a row last week and there was a paper she needed to put up by tonight so she was hoping to get that done before leaving.

 

Lincoln was staying back for the week, from what he said to Lexa she picked up on two reasons for that; 1) it wasn’t really worth flying all the way to England for only a week, and 2) he didn’t sound like he even wanted to go, he’d much rather spend his week alone here. Lexa said lightly how he seemed more excited about staying back rather than wanting to go back home to see his family and his response wasn’t one Lexa was really expecting, only a small “ _Maybe I am_.” She would’ve asked about it, but Lincoln sounded like he didn’t want to talk about it.

 

“Excited to go back home?” Lincoln asked from his place in bed, looking at the _Nintendo Switch_ in his hands.

 

“Yep,” Lexa nodded as she uploaded her assignment before turning her laptop off. “I can’t wait.”

 

“Family?” He asked, looking up from the screen and at Lexa for a moment before returning to the game; Lexa’s never really mentioned her family other than just Anya.

 

“My mom and Anya,” She replied, turning around in her swivel chair. “Speaking of, how are things going with you two?” Lexa asked. “I try not to pry and trying to get Anya to talk is like trying to break into the Pentagon.” She rolled her eyes, correcting herself “Maybe trying to break into the Pentagon would be easier, I don’t know.”

 

Lincoln let out a small laugh at that as he sat up straight, “From what I know about her so far, that’s probably true.” He nodded. “And things are going alright with us I think.” He answered. “There’s not much to say really, not yet.”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes as she got up, walking over to her almost packed bag. “She’s rubbing off on you big guy.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke couldn’t wait to leave, she would’ve left last night after her class but she was too tired to get in the car and drive for three hours. It wouldn’t really be the safest thing to do after an entire day’s worth of classes on only 3 hours of sleep. So she was going to start first thing tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep and at least one cup of coffee. Clarke didn’t really want to admit it but there was a part of her that was more excited to see Lexa than her mom; her and her mom weren’t the closest, they never were, but since college started, it had started to get worse because Clarke didn’t like how unsupportive Abby was being right now. Her mom hadn’t really brought it up again since that last _conversation_ so Clarke was hoping it would be the same once she was home – there was nothing her mom could say right now to change her mind, so she’d rather not listen to _that_ again.

 

It was a short night; Clarke made a small phone call to Lexa just to let her know she would be out in the morning, and Lexa asked her to call before she left. After that Clarke had fallen asleep pretty early, around 10pm because she was totally wiped out from her day. After waking up, she was packed up and ready to leave straight away. Clarke grabbed a cup of coffee on the way out, making a call to Lexa before getting into her car.

 

.

 

By the time Clarke got home, it was a little past 1pm and her mom was still at work. Unlocking the front door and stepping inside, Clarke made a call to her mom to let her know but it went straight to voice mail, telling her she was busy right now; so Clarke opted for a text instead. It was nice being back, as much as she was enjoying college there was something about being back home that filled her with a warm fuzzy feeling. Not only was she looking forward to seeing Lexa this week, but Clarke was also looking forward to seeing her friends – well friend, she wouldn’t get to see Raven because she wasn’t coming back home till Christmas – Octavia was here though and she was looking forward to Clarke and Lexa as much as they were.

 

Octavia was still at school but Clarke sent her a text anyways letting her know she was back in town. She received a reply only a minute later, asking her if she wanted to go get something to eat after she got out of school. Clarke was up for it, there were still almost two hours left till then so she decided to just take a nap because she was a little tired from the long drive back and there wasn’t much to do right now anyways. She was also planning on going down to the airport to pick up Lexa; Lexa said she didn’t have to, either her mom would pick her up or if she was still stuck at work, she’d just get a cab. But Clarke didn’t want to spend much time alone with her mom and the sooner she got to see Lexa, the better.

 

“How’s college?” Octavia asked as she dipped her french fry in the ketchup on her tray, sitting across the table from Clarke at McDonalds.

 

“A lot like in the movies,” Clarke answered. “A lot of studying, too much homework, morning classes suck.” She shrugged. “But not as much partying though. That was a little disappointing.”

 

“Oh,” She suddenly remembered. “How’s the long distance working out?” Octavia looked down for a moment, picking up the last fry.

 

“It’s working out better than I expected really.” Clarke replied before letting out a sigh, “But it’s hard, I miss her so much.” She whined. “And annoying that I can’t see her. And god, so frustrating.”

 

Octavia nodded with a sigh, “Don’t I know it.” She leaned back into her seat. “At least you get to see Lexa this week.” She rolled her eyes, “Mine had to be a fucking genius who has too much work to come home to see her girlfriend.”

 

“Christmas.” Clarke reminded her. “You’ll see her soon.” She added. “How’s school though?” Clarke asked, “Did you find a replacement for us already?”

 

“I wish.” Octavia rolled her eyes, “At least I’d have something to do.” She paused for a moment before adding, “I really miss you guys.”

 

.

 

“Where are you going?” Abby asked lightly as Clarke came down the stairs, it was around nine right now and Clarke hadn’t said anything about going out tonight. “Meeting up with Octavia?”

 

“Yeah, but I’m driving down to the airport to pick up Lexa first.” She told her mom. “Then we’re meeting Octavia at this party.” That last part was a lie and Clarke hated having to lie to her mom. Her and Lexa wanted some alone time tonight and last she’d heard from her, Indra was stuck at the precinct till late tonight because there was a big case. So they were both planning on going to Lexa’s place and spending the night together. Clarke knew her mom wouldn’t approve of that and this was the best excuse she could come up with. “I won’t be home till late.”

 

“Drive safe,”

 

They hadn’t talked much since her mom had gotten home, well they hadn’t talked much about Abby not approving what Clarke was studying. It was mostly just light conversation, Abby asking how everything was going so far; classes, roommate, friends. And she also asked about Lexa, how the two of were doing given the distance now. Her mom seemed to be mostly okay with her and Lexa now so that was definitely an improvement. That also meant her mom wouldn’t have anything to say about her going down to pick Lexa up.

 

Once Clarke’s car was parked at the airport, it was a short walk to Lexa’s terminal. There were only a few people there so it was save to assume the flight hadn’t landed yet.

 

**Lexacoon**

**9:56pm**

Flight just landed. I’m getting my bag, I’ll be out soon :*

 

**Sun and Stars**

**9:57pm**

I just got here, I’ll be right outside.

 

Lexa smiled at Clarke’s text, she couldn’t believe she was seeing Clarke in only a few minutes. Two months apart was a _very_ long time, especially after how they used to be before college. And summer too, the road trip was amazing, mostly because of how much time they got to spend in each other’s company. She just needed to get her bag and then they’d have the entire night together. Lexa had asked her mom what time she would be back home before making plans with Clarke, it was a little short notice because Lexa only called Clarke a few minutes before her flight; her mom wouldn’t be back till well past midnight, “You can have Clarke over if you want,” Indra had said before Lexa could even bring it up.

 

Walking out with her suitcase behind her, Lexa did a quick scan of the people waiting before spotting Clarke only a few feet away. She couldn’t help the smile that broke out on her face at the sight; seeing her only through a screen for the past two months, it almost felt unreal to have her right in front of her. Clarke had her back to Lexa’s direction as she walked up to her, the soft smile still on her face.

 

“Waiting for someone?” Lexa asked, raising an eyebrow as Clarke spun around on her heel.

 

“Oh my god,” Clarke breathed out excitedly as she threw her arms around Lexa, well she kinda threw her entire weight onto Lexa.

 

Lexa stumbled back a step, catching Clarke in her arms as her smile widened. “Miss me?” She asked with a smirk although Clarke couldn’t see it.

 

“Shut up,” Clarke rolled her eyes as she pulled away slightly and looked up at her. “I missed you so much,” She told her, but before Lexa could reply, Clarke pressed her lips to her’s, stopping her.

 

Lexa kissed her back, not wasting a moment to do so, her arms still tightly around Clarke and holding her close. She smiled against Clarke’s lips, her eyes closed as the world around them seemed to disappear for a moment. Everything seemed to quiet down, the only thing that existed for them right now was each other and how it felt to be so close again. It was a short kiss, but slow and soft, feeling a lot longer than it actually was, Lexa gently nipping at Clarke’s lower lip before they finally pulled away.

 

“I love you,” Lexa muttered, her lips ghosting over Clarke’s as they started to pull away. “And I missed you too,” She touched her nose against her’s. “So much.”

 

“Mmm-mm,” Clarke shook her head, “I’m not done,” She said as her arms went around Lexa again, softer this time around her waist as she pressed her face against Lexa’s shoulder. “I need a longer hug.”

 

“Hmm,” Lexa breathed out as she held her. “I need it too.”

 

Their hands didn’t let go of each other’s from then till they had reached the car and Lexa only let go to open the door for Clarke. “So what are we doing tonight?” Clarke asked once Lexa sat down and closed the door.

 

“Anything,” Lexa shrugged, “As long as we’re together, I’m fine.”

 

Clarke started the car with a nod, thinking about it for a moment before asking, “Did you eat?”

 

“Not since…” Lexa trailed off, knowing Clarke will probably be angry. “Lunch I think…?”

 

“ _What?_ ” Clarke exclaimed, “Seriously? That was forever ago.” She asked and Lexa only nodded sheepishly. “Okay, we’re getting drive-through because that’s probably the only thing we can get now, and then we’re going back to your place.”

 

.

 

It was a quiet night, something they both wanted right now more than anything. It was a little late and they didn’t want to wait too long before getting home and the quickest option for dinner right now was getting a drive-through from McDonald’s – for Lexa, Clarke can’t stomach that twice in one day. They were planning on just watching a movie and cuddling on the couch before… _going to bed_. No one was going to interrupt them, and knowing that was one of the best things about tonight.

 

Two months away felt longer than it actually was while they were apart, it felt like it had been even longer now that they were finally by each other’s side. It was almost midnight now with only a small light lighting the bedroom and the two of them lying in bed. The room almost completely silent save for the sound of their lips moving against the other’s and their breathless sighs. It almost felt like hunger, and they couldn’t get enough of each other; mouths desperate, and hands frantically seeking for skin. Two months without this kind of physical contact didn’t feel as much as it did right now; they could feel every touch, every breath against their skin, even the small touches that weren’t really touches yet.

 

“How was that?” Clarke asked as she placed her head on Lexa’s chest, closing her eyes for a moment.

 

“Better than I remember.” Lexa replied, her voice relaxed, almost blissful. They remained silent for a fraction of a second before a small, soft laugh bubbled out unexpectedly. “I missed this,” She told Clarke. “I missed you.”

 

Clarke tiled her head up slightly, placing a kiss on Lexa’s jaw. “I love you.”

 

“I love you more.” Lexa breathed out, leaning the side of her cheek against Clarke’s head.

 

They fell silent after that, the room going completely quiet as they still tried to catch their breaths. The smiles were still in place on their faces as they lied wordlessly, not needing anything more than each other’s company. Clarke tightened her arm around Lexa’s waist, pulling herself closer to her – if that was possible – as she breathed her in. It felt good to be back, felt good to have Lexa’s body next to her’s; warm and soft, but at the same time strong and firm.

 

“The working out is going great.” Clarke finally spoke after a while, her hand moving under the comforter and going up to run over Lexa’s abs. “I thought they looked great before.” She added with a smirk. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh at that, causing her stomach muscles to flex. “Nice,” Clarke added, doing nothing to stop Lexa.

 

“What about the arms?” She asked jokingly, bringing up her free arm and placing it down on the pillow next to her head before flexing.

 

“Strong.” Clarke replied seriously. “Very strong.” She moved away slightly, so she could see her arm. “I can’t tell you all the things I want those arms to do to me.”

 

“I can’t possibly think of _anything_ you would want me to do to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this one, i'm surprised i'm staying on top of my updates tbh. i'm looking forward to the next chapter because it's killing me to not say this one thing about this one character. i'll also probably make more of those social media edits for clexa-on-break-together and i'll put em on the smau-updates blog. anyways, hope you liked it, and let me know what you thought.


	4. Alright, let's talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lincoln centric chapter because I've been meaning to. So this chapter is Lincoln opening up about this one thing to Lexa. And we see a bit more of their friendship because they have a nice thing going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been planning on this lincoln thing since before i started writing this part. so i am both excited and a little nervous about this chapter. i didn't want to get too much into it but yeah. and lexa and lincoln have been growing really close as friends and they are my ultimate brotp in this fic (also lexa + octavia).

> _3 rd November 2017 – Friday_

 

“Okay, I’ll call you later.” Lexa said into her phone; she was alone in her room, Lincoln had a morning class so he had been gone for over an hour now. She was talking to Clarke who was on her way to her first class right now, Lexa didn’t have to be anywhere for another few hours – her first class was after lunch – so she was just lying in bed, still in her pajamas. “Love you too,” She said to Clarke with a smile before they both hung up and Lexa put her phone away. Finally getting herself up, she looked around the room, trying to find where she had placed her gym bag; Lexa was planning on getting her workout out of the way before class.

 

It took a moment but Lexa spotted it against the wall by the door and stood up to walk over to it; but something else caught her eyes, making her stop. There was a small red case on Lincoln’s bed, left half open. It was deep red with a black zipper a name tag; it looked like a small, compact first aid kit if anything. Lexa would’ve let it go at that but there were white empty wrappers around it as well, which made her a bit more curious. Stepping over to his bed, she could see the label of one of the undone wrappers; it was written in small black print, but it read _alcohol prep pad_. The other wrapper was a narrower, longer one with clear plastic on the opposite side, probably looked like the packaging for a syringe. It wasn’t Lexa’s place, she knew that, but at the same time, it felt like there was something wrong here – needles, alcohol pads.

 

Against her better judgment, Lexa leaned down and flipped the case open without picking it up. She knows she shouldn’t have, she really does, but every once in a while everyone does something they shouldn’t. Flipping the top open, Lexa looked inside, she’s not sure what she was expecting, but this was probably close; more individually wrapped needles, alcohol pads, Band Aids, and a few small vials of liquid. Lexa’s not sure what they were but it was safe to assume they were drugs; as to what it was, she had no idea, but Lexa’s never really seen it before or even heard Lincoln mention it in the couple of months they’ve lived together. It could be nothing, maybe just medication, but if it was something that shouldn’t be here, it could get both of them in trouble.

 

.

 

“Hey Lincoln?” Lexa said the moment Lincoln walked into their room later that night. She had seen him after class but Lexa didn’t want to bring it up in front of anyone else without knowing how private it was to hi and Lexa had gotten back to the room only a couple of hours ago.

 

“Yeah?” He asked as he dropped his backpack on the floor next to his bed and sat down.

 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” She started a little hesitantly, turning around in her swivel chair to look at him. “I found this little first aid kit looking thing on your bed today.”

 

Lincoln let out a small _oh_ as he leaned back on his bed. He was running late in the morning and probably forgot to put it away hoping Lexa wouldn’t notice it. When he came back, Lexa had already gone to class and his little case was still on the bed where he had left it.

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, noticing how Lincoln looked a little worried. “There were…needles and little vials…and-”

 

“You opened it?” He cut her off, his voice gentle and quiet, mostly hesitant and surprised.

 

She sighed, “I know I shouldn’t have.” Lexa shook her head at herself. “But if it’s something you’re not supposed to have,” She continued, Lincoln’s tone only making her feel more certain it was something that wasn’t meant to be here. “And if it’s something that can get you in trouble, Lincoln, you can’t keep doing it.” Lexa looked away for a moment, “It’ll get you in trouble, and it can get me in trouble.”

 

“No, no, it’s nothing like that.” He shook his head with an unsure smile. “I’m not doing anything illegal if that’s what you think.” Lexa only nodded, she didn’t ask what it was, only fell silent, satisfied with Lincoln’s answer. “You’re not going to ask what it is?” He asked after a moment.

 

“No,” Lexa shrugged, it seemed pretty private and she didn’t want to pry. “Am I still curious? Yes.” She added. “But if you say there’s nothing for me worry about, I have no reason to not take your word for it.”

 

Lincoln thought about it for a moment, they were roommates, and they were friends – really good friends actually, he didn’t want to hide this from Lexa. In the last few months they’ve a lot closer than either of them had thought and there wasn’t much Lincoln hadn’t told her – okay other than maybe a couple of big things, like this. Anyways, to Lincoln, Lexa seemed like the last person who’d have a problem with _this_. _But then again, you never know_. “Alright, let’s talk.” He nodded at Lexa, asking her to join him.

 

“You really don’t have to.” Lexa tried as she stood up, walking over before sitting down next to him. “If it’s something you don’t want to talk about, you don’t have to.”

 

“No, I want to.” Lincoln started as he moved further back into the bed so he could lean against the wall. “We’ve been living together for a couple months now and I like to think we’ve become pretty good friends.”

 

“I like to think so too.” Lexa responded, mimicking his tone. “But I wouldn’t phrase it like that.” She said with half a smile. “Maybe sounds a little too _official_.” He wasn’t wrong though, in the past few months, they had grown pretty close. More than Lexa was expecting because it wasn’t easy to get close to her. Lincoln was…easy to talk to, there was just something about him that made it easy to _trust_ him and talk to him about pretty much anything – not that Lexa had _really_ opened up about anything _important_ , most things yes, but not _those_ things. There were a few bad days, being away from Clarke was hard and some days were worse than others and she didn’t really have to hide that in front of Lincoln. Lexa can’t really explain it, she found herself putting her guard up around pretty much everyone but not Lincoln for some reason.

 

This trust and friendship seemed to go both ways because Lincoln found himself talking to Lexa about a lot more things than he would’ve thought he’d want to…like right now. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Lexa was the first person in a very long time in his life who actually had a positive effect on him. “There’s something I need to tell,” he started. “I’m not just telling you just because I feel like I should, I want to. You knowing will also make my life a little easier.” Lincoln added lightly before falling silent for a moment as he thought about that last bit, “Well that really depends…”

 

“Depends on?”

 

“On how you… _take it_.”

 

“Take what?” Lexa asked, feeling a little lost but also worried. “You’re kinda worrying me.” She moved back as well, leaning against the wall next to him before nudging his shoulder lightly.

 

Lincoln looked away for a moment, thinking about how to continue; he wasn’t sure how to tell her, mostly because he hasn’t had to tell anyone like this before – not in this context. It came out eventually to his parents but he’s never had to say it to someone… _positive_ in his life. “I actually have no idea how to say this,” He said quietly, not looking at her.

 

Lexa wasn’t good with this; she wasn’t good with having friends and talking to them and knowing what to say when something was wrong – she couldn’t really read people too well. “Whatever it is,” She started hesitantly, “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

 

“Yeah, I’m hoping it’s not.” Lincoln nodded before looking up at her. “How did you come out to your parents?” He asked out of the blue, catching Lexa by surprise because it seemed like he was changing the subject.

 

“I didn’t,” She replied anyways. “I didn’t try to keep the gay thing from them from the start so when I knew, they did.” Lexa shrugged.

 

“What about friends?”

 

Lexa let out a small breath, “Let’s just say I was outed.” She gave him a questioning look, “What does that have to do with anything?” Lincoln remained silent, still unsure of how to say it. “Lincoln, just say it,” She finally said. “Whatever it is, just it straight-up, first thing that comes to your mind.” Lexa added with a smile. “No judgment, not from me.”

 

Nodding, Lincoln decided to do just that, “I’m trans.” He looked at Lexa carefully, waiting for her reaction.

 

Lexa didn’t know what she was expecting, but this wasn’t it. But at the same time, she was relieved, it had almost started to sound like it was going to be something bad. “You had me worried there.” She told him with a soft smile.

 

Lincoln let out a long breath of relief, nodding at her. “Yeah, I haven’t had the greatest luck with _coming out_.” He waited a moment before asking, “So you don’t have a problem with this?”

 

“No,” She shook her head immediately. “Not at all.” Lexa added. “Why would I?”

 

“It doesn’t sit well with most people.” He shrugged. “Well it didn’t with almost everyone else I had to come out to up until right now.”

 

“I’m absolutely fine with it,” She reassured him. “I have no reason not to be.” Lexa smiled at him again, “You didn’t have to worry about it.”

 

“That’s good.” Lincoln nodded, trying to calm himself down. “It’s been inconvenient to say the least.” He added lightly.

 

“Bad experiences with coming out really puts you off, I know.” Lexa said to him, realizing how there was something more to it but Lincoln was just trying to put it off. “But it’s not all bad, not always.” She leaned against him slightly. “Not everyone’s going to be like that.”

 

“Thank you,” Lincoln turned to her, Lexa putting her arms around him and pulling him into a hug. “Really,” he added. “This is big for me and it was nice to finally tell someone who didn’t take off running.” He really meant that, holding on to Lexa for a moment before pulling away.

 

“You good?” Lexa asked carefully, she might have an idea as to what Lincoln was feeling.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Lincoln nodded. “Next time you find my needles and vials on the bed, don’t panic.” He told her lightly. “It’s just my hormones, they won’t get any one of us into trouble.” Lexa let out a small laugh and nodded. “You know if you want to ask me anything, you can.” It was normal for people to be curious and ask questions; well okay sometimes they could a little too invasive and inappropriate but he was hoping Lexa would know when to stop.

 

Lexa shrugged lightly, she could see it in his face, he seemed almost worried about offering her to ask him about it. “Don’t worry I’m not going to ask anything inappropriate.” She told him, well she didn’t have much experience with this so Lexa was hoping she wouldn’t say something she’s not supposed. “Just one thing really,” Lexa started, there wasn’t much she was _curious_ about, just one thing she wanted to ask. She didn’t want to ask anything that would make him feel awkward. “How have you like… _managed_ these past few months without telling me or without me finding out?”

 

“By being very careful,” He joked, relieved by Lexa’s question. “There’s not really much that gives it away but it was still a little tricky. I had to make sure you weren’t in the room or at least asleep when I did my shots, I can’t change my shirt in front of you – that shouldn’t be a thing anymore but I’m a little paranoid. And last but not least, I can’t take my packer off until I’m in bed.”

 

“Your what?” Lexa gave him a confused look.

 

Lincoln let out a small laugh, looking away from Lexa for a moment as he thought about the best way to answer. “Well a packer, its umm…” He looked up, rubbing his neck uneasily. “It’s a…”

 

“It can’t be that bad, come on.” Lexa smiled.

 

“Well basically,” He let out a small breath, deciding to not overcomplicate it. “It’s a rubber penis.” Lincoln rolled his eyes at himself. “It goes in my pants so it looks like I have one.” He continued. “And if I took it off, it would look weird,” He looked down subtly. “Down there.”

 

“Yeah because I spend so much time looking at your dick.” Lexa rolled her eyes with a small laugh. “You have nothing to worry about, alright?” She said after a moment. “Nothing’s changed between us,” She nudged his shoulder; Lexa could see it on his face, Lincoln was worried about telling her, even right now.

 

That was a first. There was a very good reason he didn’t want to go back home for break; his parents were the first ones to find out, naturally, but well, it didn’t go well. They were not the most _open-minded_ people so when they found out their _daughter_ was actually their son, it didn’t really go down that well. He wasn’t planning on telling them, not while he was living with them at least; okay, not even when he had moved out. They didn’t have the closest relationship so Lincoln was just planning on slowly cutting them off – yes, that wasn’t the best thing to do, but at that point, it seemed like the best option. Coming back home from his last day of school, he had a terrible conversation with his parents because somehow he had left his laptop turned on and they stumbled upon some personal things that made it very clear that he was not who they thought he was.

 

And from there it got bad, it got really bad; he got kicked out right there and then, he called his two friends asking if he could spend the night at their place but the moment they found out why he was kicked out, all Lincoln got was a no. So it was hard for a while, very hard actually, but eventually Lincoln got back on his feet. He was always planning on going to college but it wasn’t really possible right after school. So instead, he gave himself three years; he got a job and slowly got to where he wanted with his transition. But eventually he realized he couldn’t stay that close to his parents because it felt like they were always _right there_ , so here he was.

 

“That’s a first, honestly.” He nodded. “Thank you.”

 

“You don’t need to thank me,” Lexa shook her head, he really didn’t need to, “Not for this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so much to say about lincoln but i kept it short and brief. well i tried. i don't see a lot of trans characters and i saw an opportunity with lincoln so i took it. he's really the perfect one for this. and if you have any questions, ask away in the comments or on my tumblr (k17l53.tumblr.com) or the smau tumblr (smau-updates.tumblr.com). and i have a moodboard made for lincoln sooooo i can finally post it tonight.


	5. Now strip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little time jump, freshman year is over and Clexa + Lincoln are moving into their first apartments. That's the first half of the chapter. Second half is very Clexa because Lexa's having a slightly hard time and Clarke is the most supportive girlfriend ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, sorry i didn't update last week. i wanted to but i was out of town and didn't really get the chance. its a clexa chapter so i'm hoping that makes up for it. also thanks so much for the positive response on the last chapter/lincoln.  
> onto the chapter, moving into a new apartment is a lot of work. Lexa and Lincoln are moving in together coz they're kinda best friends and all that. Clarke's on her own tho, and she doesn't mind. Next half is more clexa because well the distance and workload and all that great stuff is getting to lexa and she's not dong the greatest.

> _Summer 2018_

 

Things were still a little rough between Clarke and her mom, she was trying to get things on track with her and show her how studying art wasn’t the end of the world – _why did people think that anyways?_ Well, Clarke obviously knew why her mom was worried but it would be nice if Abby could show some support instead of discourage her very chance she got. It wasn’t as bad as it was at the start, they’ve had more talks about it, Abby still holding her ground and Clarke doing the same, not wanting to give in – especially now, freshman year was over. Now it was less of a _change your major_ , but more of a _you made a huge mistake and you will regret it_ ; that’s not exactly what Abby said but that’s basically what she meant. Fortunately, throughout the last few months with Lexa and her friends being there for her and letting her know they believe in her and what she was doing, Clarke has gotten to the point where she can now just tune her mom out.

 

Summer was going to be busy for Clarke and Lexa, they could really use a break from everything but they were moving into their first apartments and…well, that was a lot of work. Lexa and Lincoln were moving in together because they had grown really close during the year and they both figured it would be easier to afford a nicer place if they lived together. And they had done it for a long time already so it should be fine; easier even, given they’d have their own bedrooms and more space than one dorm room. Clarke was moving into a small studio apartment pretty close to her campus, something she was looking forward to because this time living alone actually meant living _alone_. And this way, Clarke and Lexa knew they would be able to see each other more often because if one of them was too busy with work during a break, the other could fly over rather than both of them needing to go home. It would also save on travel costs, something that’s pretty important when you’re living on a student budget, they didn’t really need to go home during every break and one of them could travel and spend the time at the other’s place instead.

 

But right now, it was a lot of work; it was a lot of trips to IKEA and putting together a lot of furniture and well, let’s just say when you’re starting from nothing, there’s a lot of things you need to get. Not only that, they had to set up other things like the Wi-Fi and cable. The mattresses were the first things Lexa and Lincoln got, the actual bed frame not really a priority right now, there were more important things they needed to get. They’d only taken a week of break, that was it; Lexa and Clarke had gone back home while Lincoln…probably did the same? By now Lexa knew him and his family aren’t on the best terms so she wasn’t sure what his plans were for the week they spent apart; and when Lexa asked, he didn’t give much of a reply.

 

“Look who finally has Wi-Fi.” Clarke said with a smile as Lexa answered the FaceTime call on her laptop with a nod. “How’s the moving in going?”

 

“Good.” Lexa nodded, “Tiring.” She added. “And expensive.”

 

“God, I know.” Clarke was sitting in her living room that still didn’t have a couch. “And, it’s taking so much time and I’m so _tired_.” She whined.

 

“Long day?” Lexa asked, leaning back against the foot of the couch as she sat on the floor. It was a little late right now, around 11pm and they were both busy the entire day. Her and Lincoln got pizza delivered for dinner, half of which was still in it’s box a few feet away from where Lexa was sitting.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke rubbed her eyes. “I got my TV today,” She turned her phone’s camera around for a moment before returning it back to herself and setting it down on the floor, propped up against something Lexa couldn’t see. “Did you eat dinner?” Clarke asked as she picked up her own, also takeout.

 

“I did.” Lexa replied, leaning forward and opening the pizza box to take out a cold but still very much edible slice. “Hours ago, so I’m hungry again…”

 

Clarke remained silent for a moment, looking past Lexa into the background as her eyes spotted a weirdly shaped object in the distance. “What’s that?”

 

“What?” Lexa looked behind her to the clutter of things before finding what Clarke was probably asking about. She hoped Clarke couldn’t really make out what it was because well, it was an eight-inch long rubber penis. “Oh that,” She stood up, leaving her laptop on the floor to put it away. “It’s nothing.” It was Lincoln’s and it actually got here just this morning and Lincoln was like an excited puppy when the box arrived but he probably forgot to take it back to his room.

 

“Because it kinda…” Clarke raised her eyebrows, putting the fork down. “Looks like a penis.”

 

“It’s not mine.” Lexa rolled her eyes at Clarke. “Lincoln’s. New one,” She replied this time. Clarke knew about Lincoln, Lexa didn’t say anything, obviously she wouldn’t out him to anyone but this wasn’t the first time there was a stray _prosthetic_ in the background. First time, Lexa had to play it cool and try to cover it up with something but the second time, Lincoln was also talking to Clarke so he explained; it was easier for him this time, and Lexa was glad to see how at ease he was with Clarke.

 

“Those must be expensive.” Clarke wondered, she didn’t really have an idea of how much it could be, but she was a little curious.

 

“Trust me, they are.” Lexa answered. “Ridiculously expensive, you have no idea.” She paused for a moment before suddenly remembering, well she shouldn’t have really forgotten to tell Clarke up until right now. “I have something to show you.” Lexa took another bite of her pizza before setting it down. “Look,” She pulled of her hoodie, turning her upper right arm to Clarke.

 

“YOU GOT A TATTOO?!” she exclaimed instantly. “AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?”

 

Lexa only smiled, “Yes, because I wanted to surprise you.” She told her. “Really look at it. Recognize the design?”

 

“Oh my god.” Her eyes widened almost comically at the realization. “Is that-?” Lexa only nodded and Clarke’s hand came up to her face in disbelief. “Oh my god I drew that on you like…two years ago.”

 

“Yep.” Lexa nodded. The newly inked skin was still covered in clear plastic because she got it only today and it would take a few more days for it to heal. “I got it today.”

 

Clarke only looked at it for a moment, speechless because Lexa didn’t so much as mention a tattoo let alone this one. “I can’t believe you.” She finally looked up at her with a huge smile before speaking again, quieter this time. “It looks beautiful.”

 

“It’s a piece of you.” Lexa responded. “Makes me feel a little closer.” She shrugged, doing her best to not sound as sappy as that felt. “And I already have your name on me so I had to get something a little different.”

 

“You’re insane.” Clarke finally commented. “Because that is a huge tattoo,” She told her. “A great one though.”

 

“Well, _you_ did design it.” Lexa said with a smile before going silent for a moment. “I can’t wait to see you.”

 

“We saw each other like two weeks ago.” Clarke reminded.

 

Lexa let out a small sigh, “336 hours.” She said to her. “It’s too long.” It was, it was way too long and as of now, it had been about a year since they have been living so far apart. And it was starting to get to her; the distance was getting a little too hard to handle right now, even after the time together two weeks ago. Lexa was stressed, with moving in and second year of college coming up, everything just felt too much; everything was chaotic and there was no stability.

 

* * *

 

> _Late October 2018_

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked Lexa; it was past midnight and Lexa had just finished packing. She was going over to see Clarke for the week; they could both take the time off right now because work wasn’t too bad just yet but it didn’t make sense for both of them to travel to DC when they had their own places now. Clarke couldn’t quite place it but something seemed a little off with Lexa, she seemed upset.

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded unconvincingly. “I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t sound like it,” Clarke responded. “What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing.” Lexa just shrugged but Clarke watched her in silence, wanting her to continue. “I don’t know,” She sighed in defeat. “I just feel off…and stressed out.” She told her. “There’s too much going on and…” Lexa closed her eyes, looking away from Clarke, “I’m kind of drowning.” They were too far away, and Lexa didn’t want to worry her because it’s not like there was anything she could do to help, but the words escaped Lexa’s lips before she could stop herself.

 

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, sounding more worried now.

 

“Nothing,” She breathed out, trying to brush it off but her throat was closing up and there was a very subtle crack in her voice that Lexa hoped Clarke didn’t catch.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke tried. “Please talk to me.”

 

Lexa shook her head, looking away again, “It’s nothing.” It came out as a whisper this time. She didn’t even know what it was though; it was just her mood, or maybe it was all the workload and being away from home and Clarke for so long because whatever it was, she kind of slipped back into her depression.

 

Clarke only sighed, she wanted to be closer to her now; whenever Lexa had a bad time, she tried to shut Clarke out because she didn’t want to _inconvenience_ her. And the only thing Clarke could do when it wasn’t too serious was put her arms around Lexa and just hold her; it didn’t fix it, it didn’t make her all _better_ , but it still helped, and it made her feel a little better. “I wish I was there right now.”

 

“Tomorrow.” Lexa shrugged, giving her a tired forced smile. “And I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

 

“You’re not.” Clarke replied, her tone very straightforward. “And I know when you’re not,” She told her. “Because you’re trying to shut me out, and your voice is cracking.” Clarke continued, waiting for Lexa to say something. “You’re not looking me in the eye.”

 

Lexa sighed, looking up at her finally. “Tomorrow, okay?” She settled. “I just want to be close to you, I don’t want to talk about it when we’re so far away.” Her shoulders dropped in defeat when Clarke didn’t reply. “Don’t worry about me, please. Nothing happened, I’m fine.”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

.

 

It was a long flight, three hours, first thing in the morning; Lexa didn’t get much sleep the previous night, it was acting up worse than usual – actually she hasn’t gotten more than a couple of hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks. She was exhausted after the flight and the only thing she was looking forward to right now was the feeling of Clarke’s arms around her’s – no, actually Lexa was longing for it. By the time she was walking out with her bags, Lexa was mostly zoned out, not even paying attention to what was in front of her; she was just making sure she didn’t bump into anyone.

 

Clarke was waiting for Lexa right outside but even when she spotted her, Lexa didn’t seem to notice Clarke. She waited a moment, watching her walk closer to her but still looking blankly ahead. Clarke walked up to Lexa from the side instead, surprised how she hadn’t seen her yet. “Hey, babe.” Clarke said once she was only a couple of feet away.

 

Lexa’s eyes darted to the direction of the voice, “Clarke,” She breathed out, stepping up to her as they threw her arms around each other. “Oh god, I’m so happy to see you.” Lexa muttered against her as her arms tightened. “I needed this.”

 

They remained like that for while, Clarke being able to tell there was something wrong with the way the hug felt; it felt a lot like the first time she had hugged Lexa a little after they had met. It felt heavy and desperate like Lexa needed to hold on, and that made Clarke not want to let go. “Hey?” She asked, her tone concerned as they pulled away. “Are you okay?”

 

Lexa only nodded, looking away from Clarke and taking her hand instead. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She looked up at her with a forced smile. “I’m just tired, I didn’t get much sleep, too excited to see you.”

 

“Okay, well let’s go home and get you into bed,” Clarke gently tugged at her hand as they started to walk out.

 

Lexa smiled at her, ‘ _Let’s go home_ ’ the words echoed in her head; she couldn’t explain it, but there was something about it coming from Clarke. All of a sudden, their future together didn’t seem as crazy as it did at first; going home will be a thing in a couple of years, coming home every night after work to each other, falling asleep next to the other, and waking up next to each other…every morning, not just for a week. “I can’t wait till we can actually say that to each other and mean it.” She replied to Clarke with a small smile as they continued to walk.

 

.

 

Clarke’s apartment was nice, small but in a cozy way with a floor-to-ceiling window on the far end that looked out to the city. The bed looked out the window, which looked warm and inviting with the messy comforter and untidy pillows because Clarke hadn’t made the bed this morning – from what Lexa had seen though, Clarke never really made her bed. There was also an easel set up by the window with her painting supplies on the hardwood floor.

 

“Nice view.” Lexa said as they walked further inside, setting her bags down on the floor next to the couch. “Wow,” She breathed out walking closer to the window. “Almost as beautiful as you.” She turned around to look at Clarke, a small smile playing on her lips.

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless as she stepped up to Lexa, “Stop,” She shook her head, snaking her arms around Lexa’s neck and leaning her forehead against her’s.

 

Lexa only smiled, touching her nose against Clarke’s. “I love you,” She closed her eyes, soaking in the moment. Everything was quiet and right now, there was no one in the world that mattered other than just the two of them here together. Being this close to Clarke was something that never failed to make Lexa feel a little better.

 

“Now strip,” Clarke said once they pulled away only to receive a very confused look from Lexa. “Not like that,” She rolled her eyes, “But, I mean, that too but not now.” Clarke shrugged. “Strip so you can go to bed, you look tired as fuck.”

 

“I am,” She stifled a yawn. “I don’t think I slept for more than a couple of hours for the past month.”

 

“You’re having trouble sleeping?” Clarke asked, this was new information, Lexa hadn’t mentioned it even once, even when they talked last night. “You didn’t tell me anything about that.”

 

“I didn’t think it was anything,” Lexa shrugged, walking up to the bed and sitting down. “And I didn’t want to worry you, you have enough going on.”

 

Clarke sighed, sitting down next to her; a couple of years and Clarke still hadn’t been able to convince Lexa that she wasn’t a burden on her. “I care about you and what’s going on with you,” She told her gently, an arm going up around Lexa’s shoulders. “You’re not annoying me or burdening me or whatever you think it is by talking to me about things that are bothering you.” Lexa let her head fall on Clarke’s shoulder. “I know the distance is hard,” She rubbed her hand over Lexa’s arm. “And it makes it harder for us to talk and share but…” She let out a small breath. “I know you still think you’re bothering me by talking about things like this. Yes, I will worry when you tell me something is wrong, but that’s because I love you and care about you.” Clarke waited for a moment, but Lexa didn’t say anything. “And I worry even more when you _don’t_ tell me.”

 

“It’s just sleep.” Lexa shrugged, trying to brush it off.

 

“For an entire month.” Clarke reminded. “That’s not nothing.” She added. “And what about last night? The last few days actually, you seemed upset, off, and you haven’t said a word about what’s causing it.”

 

Lexa shook her head, she was too tired to talk about anything now. “Not now, okay?” She replied tiredly. “I’m too tired.” Her voice was barely audible, Lexa didn’t even know what was wrong with her now, it wasn’t anything specific, not that she knew anyways.

 

“I’m gonna get the blinds,” Clarke said as she started to get up. “You get into bed, I’ll be right there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa's just having one of those days/weeks and that sleep thing is honestly the most annoying thing ever. we get to the ""real"" bit of the fic in the end of the next chapter i think (unless i put in a little filler and decide to write smut who knows). next chapter is going to be all clexa because clarke is an amazing girlfriend who's there for lexa and i wish i had someone like her. anyways, let me know what you thought, comments make my day and they do make me work faster. oh and i have a bunch of edits lined up for this one, i'll post em soon.


	6. Why are you still here Clarke?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right after the last chapter, Lexa waking up from a nap and finally talking to Clarke. She's not doing that great and it's nothing specific but Clarke is the greatest girlfriend ever. There's also a time jump around the end and that's...getting into the real stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was relatable angst for me to write but i always love writing lexa in this universe and i so wish i had someone like her. a lot of thing just built up for her and well you know how when you keep pushing stuff down and eventually all of it just hits you? yeah that's what she's feeling. and she still has a lot of doubts about herself which isn't great either and that was wow a lot of relatable bullshit that i didn't need. still great tho, this is my kinda chapter and i loved writing it.  
> i also have a set of social media edits for this chapter that i'm gonna post a few minutes after i post this chapter.

Lexa finally got a few hours of decent sleep; with Clarke by her side after months, she found herself drifting of to sleep in only a few minutes. It felt nice to be next to her again, Clarke’s arm’s around her with their bodies pressed against each other’s, soft and warm. The pillow smelled like Clarke and Lexa couldn’t really put her finger on why, but that was more comforting than she had thought it would be; so she pressed her nose against it, breathing it in as she relaxed against Clarke. There was a lot on her mind, like she had said to Clarke before, she was kind of drowning in everything – which she could only blame on all the work load from her classes but then again, it was always the little things like that that made her slip back into feeling like her world was falling apart.

 

“Sleep okay?” Clarke asked as Lexa stirred next to her, finally waking up. She kissed the back of her neck and Lexa turned around to face her.

 

Lexa nodded, “Better than most nights,” She told her with a soft smile, “Helped having you next to me.”

 

Clarke let out a small breath, a little worried yet again. She pulled Lexa closer, bringing her head to rest against her shoulder before kissing her hair. “Feel like talking?” She asked slowly, not wanting to sound too pushy but it was hard not to do so given how she has been acting the last week or so.

 

She remained silent for a moment before finally nodding against Clarke. “Yeah,” Lexa brought her head up before moving away a little so she could see her. “What time is it?” She finally asked, unsure of how long she had been asleep.

 

“Around 2pm.” Clarke replied, about to speak again when Lexa’s stomach grumbled causing her to turn her head and press it against the pillow embarrassedly. “Let’s get lunch first.” Clarke offered instead with a small laugh. “What do you feel like?”

 

Lexa shook her head, beginning to get up, “I got it.” Standing up, she took a step towards the kitchen before turning around to look at Clarke again, “Do you want me to put on pants or is this okay?” She asked with a small smirk, already knowing her answer.

 

“My really hot girlfriend cooking in her underwear?” Clarke asked rhetorically. “Why wouldn’t it be okay?” She stood up, following Lexa.

 

Lexa made way to the refrigerator, opening it before taking a look inside. “You literally have nothing.” She said, turning to look at Clarke, a little surprised.

 

“Do you really think I can make anything more than boxed mac and cheese?” Clarke asked, leaning against the counter.

 

Lexa rolled her eyes with a small smile before looking back into the fridge and thinking about what she could make them for lunch. She’s been spending a bit of time in the kitchen; it started out just to make sure she was eating right and not settling for junk – hitting the gym only did so much if you weren’t eating right. But eventually Lexa realized she actually enjoyed the time she spent in the kitchen and she found herself cooking quite often. “Grilled cheese?” She finally asked, that’s about all there was really – and eggs and milk.

 

“That sounds good,” Clarke replied. “And I think that’s all you can make unless you want breakfast.”

 

Lexa gave her a nod, turning to Clarke again, asking where the pan was. It wasn’t long before the two of them were walking back to the couch with two plates and their sandwiches. Lexa probably mentioned more than once that Clarke really needs to get some real food because she can’t really live off of cereal, ramen, mac and cheese, and take out.

 

“I’m cooking dinner for you,” Lexa said to her after a while. “Every night I’m here. And I’m getting you groceries before I leave.”

 

“Anyways,” She changed the conversation, wanting to go back to what they were about to talk about before getting out of bed. “Enough about my terrible eating habits, how are you doing? What’s going on with you?”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, taking another bite of her sandwich, unsure of how to respond. “I don’t know.” She muttered quietly, looking away from her. “I don’t know, Clarke.”

 

“What do you mean?” She asked gently, moving a little closer to Lexa.

 

“It’s just…” She trailed off, “Everything feels too much.” Lexa sighed, taking the last bit of her sandwich before setting the plate down on the small coffee table. “I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore, there’s too much work to keep up with and I’m having trouble focusing on anything for more than five minutes, my sleep is…fucked up to say the least, I’m barely going out because I can’t put in the effort.” She shook her head, not really having a word for what she was feeling. “I just feel like I’m drowning, I don’t have a better word for it.”

 

Clarke set her plate down as well, placing a hand on Lexa’s back as she leaned forward, letting her head fall into her hands. Clarke didn’t know what to say that might help; from what she knows about Lexa, this seemed to be something that happened, where little things would build up because Lexa kept suppressing them and eventually push her into this little dark whole.

 

“I’m slipping back into my depression,” Lexa spoke again, her voice muffled by her hands. “Actually I think I’ve slipped back into it already.”

 

“Hey, look at me,” Clarke rubbed her back, now more worried than she was after talking to Lexa last night. “What are you talking about?”

 

She brought herself up, “Umm…” Lexa thought about it for a moment, “I was in therapy for a while when I was around 13 …” She told Clarke. “And I was diagnosed with depression…and anxiety, you know, the fun things.” She added like it was no big deal. “And you know, it got better eventually but it doesn’t really go away and…every now and then I kind of slip back into it.” Lexa shrugged, not knowing how Clarke would take this. “Little things build up and I just…crumble I guess.” It seemed like every time she opened her mouth and talked about herself, something _bad_ came up. She didn’t know how Clarke was still around, somehow Clarke had managed to put up with her so far, through all of it. Lexa didn’t think anyone could for so long; as far as she was convinced, there was far too much wrong with her for her to be lovable. If you asked her, there wasn’t anything _good_ about herself, nothing that would make anyone want to stick around. Even on her good days she could be _difficult_ , Lexa had no idea how Clarke was willing to be there for her even on her bad days. “Why are you still here, Clarke?” Lexa asked quietly after a moment of silence, not looking at her.

 

“What?” Clarke asked, surprised by her question, not knowing what to make out of it.

 

Lexa looked up this time, repeating herself, “Why are you still here?” She shrugged, her voice wavering a little. “How have I not scared you off yet?”

 

Clarke let out a small, sad sigh. “You can’t.” She replied. “I’ll be right here, no matter what.” She pulled Lexa closer, letting her place her head on her shoulder.

 

Lexa let out a sigh, “But how?” Her voice cracked this time, enough for Clarke to notice. “Every time I open my mouth and tell you something about myself, it’s just another mess.” She paused again, shaking her head slightly, “Because _I’m_ a mess.” Lexa mostly said to herself. “There’s so much wrong with me…god, _everything_ is wrong with me. I don’t know how you’re still putting up with it.”

 

Clarke heard a small sniffle, taking a moment to reply, “There’s nothing _wrong_ with you.” She told her gently and Lexa shook her head in disagreement. “And I love you, _all of you_. I know there’s baggage and a lot of things that aren’t pretty, but I’m here for all of it.” She paused, speaking slowly and wanting the words to reach Lexa. “I’m here for all of you.” Clarke waited a moment before continuing, “You don’t have to try and keep things from me, okay? Whatever it is, I’ll still be here.” She kissed the top of her head, “It’s you and me against the world, no matter what. I promise.”

 

Lexa could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes so she closed them in an attempt to stop it. “You deserve better than this.” She muttered quietly. “Someone better than me.”

 

“No,” Clarke sat up straight, shaking her head, her own eyes welling with tears. “Don’t you for a second think that’s true.” She told Lexa, her tone serious to say the least. “I’m the one who’s lucky to have you as my soulmate,” Clarke said with a small sigh, “And I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

 

Lexa brought her head up, looking at Clarke with teary eyes, “Why?”

 

“Because I love you.” Clarke replied, taking Lexa’s face in her hands. “And I’ll always be here, right beside you no matter what.” She told her before pulling her closer, letting her place her head on her chest. “And don’t you forget that.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Winter 2019_

 

There was only a week left till Christmas break, Lexa was going home to her mom and Anya, and Clarke would be back in DC after a few days too because she was going to Seattle for Christmas. It felt a lot longer than a few months, especially because she didn’t go home since September; Clarke was over though, she stayed the week they had off around the end of October, but they were both busy with their work so neither of them got to spend much time with each other. Lexa had classes for a good part of today, and then she was at the library up until 5 minutes ago because there was an essay due tomorrow which she hadn’t really gotten around to. It was a little late now, okay it was probably pretty late – the library was open all night so she might’ve lost track of time – and she was walking back home, her apartment was only a few minutes away from campus and the cold air was nice to walk in sometimes.

 

“Stop,”

 

Lexa heard suddenly, stopping in her tracks as she looked up from her phone. The man a few feet in front of her was dressed all in black and a ski mask so she couldn’t see his face; if that wasn’t enough to worry her – almost scare her – the gun in his hand did the trick. She dropped her phone immediately, hearing it hit the ground, yanking the headphones out of her ears in the process. “Easy,” She held up her hands, trying to convince him there was nothing for him to worry about right now. “You don’t need that.” Lexa looked down, eyeing the gun and trying to keep her voice steady. “Just tell me what you wan-”

 

“Shut up.” He cut her off, holding the gun more steadily. “Kick the phone over.” He told her, watching as Lexa looked down about to put her arms down as well. “Keep your arms up.” Lexa only nodding, holding them back up as she hesitantly kicked the phone by her feet. “What’s in the bag?”

 

“Books, notebooks,” Lexa answered. “Pens…”

 

“Laptop?” He asked and Lexa only shook her head. “If you’re lying to me, I swear to go-”

 

“I’m not,” She replied, her life was worth a lot more than a laptop, she wouldn’t lie about that when someone was pointing a gun at her; Lexa’s one wasn’t turning on this morning so she didn’t bring it along with her. “You can take a look, I don’t have one on me.”

 

“Carrying any cash?”

 

Lexa nodded, noticing how his voice was starting to sound nervous – that wasn’t good, that’s when accidents happen. “Not much,”

 

“Doesn’t matter, hand it over.”

 

She didn’t respond, Lexa only had about $40 on her, it was in her back pocket. Maybe she should’ve let him know that before she reached back, because the moment her hand moved, Lexa heard a loud bang go off. Before her mind could even register it, she felt a piercing pain in her stomach, the impact of it knocking the air out of her lungs and causing her to stumble back a step as her hands flew to it. The whole world seemed to slow down around her as the pain spread through her body, it felt like forever as Lexa watched the man turn around and take off running and her knees started to give out. Struggling to get air into her lungs, she finally collapsed; her knees hitting the pavement before she fell onto her back with a soft thud. Lexa tried, she did her best to stay awake, someone must’ve heard that gunshot, they’d call 911, she’d be okay, everything would be okay but she needed to keep her eyes open until then. _And keep pressure on the wound_ , her mind was going foggy but she held her hands over the wound, feeling the blood flowing between her fingers as her eyes started to slide shut. _God, not like this_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooooo..........................bye


	7. It was about Lexa...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets a phone call no one would ever want to receive and we get an update on how Lexa's doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay i'm on time with my update. thanks for all the comments on the last one, i'm excited for where its going and i'm really glad you guys liked the last chapter. also this chapter is more clarke because she finds out about what happened to lexa and well yeah, she's not taking it too well. i mean, who would?

Friday night meant Clarke and her friends were out, unwinding from their long week of school. They had a quiet night in last weekend but given how this was their last Friday night together before Christmas break, _quiet night in_ was the last thing on their minds. They had all made their way into a nightclub – with very convincing fake IDs for a couple of them – and right now, Clarke was sitting down for a moment while Maya and Jasper were getting another round of drinks. Finn was probably talking to her but it was easy to zone it out with the loud music on in the background. Just as Maya and Jasper returned, Clarke felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out; looking down at the screen, Clarke couldn’t recognize the number but if the location on her phone was correct, it was coming from Chicago.

 

“Can you shut up for one moment?” Clarke said to Finn as she swiped her thumb on the screen, answering the call and holding it up to her ear. The male voice on the other side spoke, asking if he was talking to Clarke Griffin. “That’s me, and who is this?” She replied, speaking over the music, holding up her free hand to her other ear to block out the noise. He didn’t really introduce himself, only told Clarke he was calling from Mount Weather Hospital and that it was about Lexa Woods. “Just a moment,” She said in a rush, getting up and beginning to walk towards the back door so she could step out and hear better; something must be wrong if she’s getting a phone call from a hospital about her girlfriend this time at night.

 

“Wait,” She heard Maya say, stepping up as she followed Clarke outside; she knew better than to let her friend go out alone.

 

Clarke only nodded, stepping through the crowd until she was out the back door and into the dark alley with Maya only a couple of feet behind her. “Yeah, I’m back.” She said into the phone once she was outside, “You said it was about Lexa, is she okay?” As the person on the other side spoke, Clarke’s face fell with every word, a very worried expression coming on as he told her what had happened. Lexa was shot in the stomach, the paramedics brought her in about half an hour ago and she was in surgery right now. From what he told Clarke, it was bad, really bad and Lexa had lost a lot of blood by the time she came in. By the time the man was done talking to her, she was leaning back against the cold brick wall, barely holding herself up and almost certain her knees were going to give out. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Clarke managed to get out, a very low sigh leaving her lips as she realized tears were welling in her eyes.

 

“Clarke what’s wrong?” Maya stepped up closer to her the moment she put the phone away, picking up on her current fragile state. “Hey, look at me, what happened?”

 

“That was a hospital in Chicago,” Clarke answered slowly, feeling disconnecting from her surroundings. “It was about Lexa…she was shot.”

 

“What?!” She practically yelled. “When? How?”

 

Clarke stepped away, not even registering what Maya had just asked. “I need to be there,” She said quietly. “I have to go.”

 

“I’m coming with,” Maya followed. “You’re not driving back to your place like this.”

 

.

 

It was almost two hours before Clarke was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight. She only packed a small weekend bag because she couldn’t be bothered to spend more time on this, she needed to be in Chicago with Lexa. While she had packed, Maya booked her a flight out of New York because she knew Clarke wanted to be gone as soon as possible. It felt like forever, the waiting; and once she was on the plane, Clarke couldn’t relax for even a moment, hell she couldn’t even sit still. She probably pissed off the passenger next to her by bouncing her knee for the entire flight.

 

Once the plane landed, Clarke picked up her bag and her first stop after leaving the airport was the hospital. She got a taxi, not even bothering to drop her bags off at Lexa’s apart, and went straight to the hospital. Once there, Clarke made her way to the reception, frantic and anxious, asking about Lexa. It had been roughly four hours – maybe a little more – since Clarke had gotten the phone call but the receptionist didn’t seem to know much. They only knew someone named Lexa Woods with a gun shot wound was brought in earlier tonight; so they asked Clarke to take a seat while they got a doctor who could help.

 

Clarke sat there with her head in her hands as the world around her seemed to disappear. She didn’t know how bad it really was, Clarke had no idea but she couldn’t help but assume the worst. She assumed Lexa was out of surgery by now and hopefully there weren’t any complications. Clarke was growing impatient, she had been sitting here for at least fifteen minutes, she needed to now what was happening. Although she did her best to stay positive, it was hard to keep her mind from dwelling to the worst case scenario; what if it was too bad, what if something went wrong now, what if she didn’t make it? _She’s okay, she’s going to be okay._ Clarke kept repeating to herself, trying to keep herself together.

 

“Miss Griffin?” Clarke heard someone say after a while, her head shooting up in the direction.

 

“Yeah, yeah that’s me.” Clarke nodded, standing up, still shaky on her legs.

 

Lexa was out of surgery, that was probably the only good news here and they were setting her set into the ICU now. The bullet came in from a very close range, meaning the internal damage was really bad and the force impacted her enough that it would leave some big bruises around the entry point. Her body was under a lot of stress right now, according to the doctor, it was almost surprising that she was holding up as well as she was, and they were doing everything they could to help make it a little easier on her.

 

“We have a ventilator helping her breathe,” The doctor – who’s name Clarke didn’t really catch – finally said, “We’re trying to make it easier on her body, as much as we can anyways.”

 

Clarke was sitting down again, almost entirely sure her feet would’ve given out by now if she hadn’t. She nodded slowly, not even trying to hold the tears back anymore before looking up at him. “Tell me honestly,” She started, “Is she…going to be okay?” Clarke’s voice cracked, not really sure whether she wanted an answer.

 

The doctor let out a small sigh, sitting down next to Clarke. “We’re not sure,” He finally answered.

 

Her head fell into her hands again as she sucked in a very shaky breath. “Give me something to hold on to doc,” Clarke said through her hands, her voice sounding defeated and broken, almost pleading. “Please.”

 

But he only let out a small breath, “You can see her in the morning,” He told Clarke gently, “You can ask at the reception, they’ll show you to he-”

 

“Wait, in the morning?” Clarke asked suddenly. “I can’t see her now?”

 

“Visiting hours don’t start for a few more hours,” He explained. “8am to 6pm for the ICU.” Pausing for a moment, he added, “Did you get any sleep last night?” Clarke didn’t look like she did, she looked tired to say the least.

 

“No, I flew in from New York right after I got the phone call.” Clarke rubbed her forehead, pretty sure her eyes were red and puffy by now and there was also a headache creeping in.

 

“Get some sleep, maybe something to eat, and then come back when you can see her okay?” He told her. “Do you know where you’re going now? Do you have a place to stay tonight?”

 

Clarke nodded, “Yeah, I’m going back to Lexa’s place, her roommate’s there.” She answered, beginning to get up and grab her bag before stopping suddenly. “Wait, does her mom know?” Clarke asked, Indra coming to her mind for the first time, only imagining what she must be feeling right now.

 

“No, you’re Miss Woods’ only emergency contact, we haven’t called anyone else.”

 

.

 

Clarke was standing in front of Lexa and Lincoln’s apartment door, tired and exhausted and dreading having to call Indra to tell her about what happened. She had zoned out on her way back here and it was almost subconscious when she rang the doorbell and waited. A very sleepy and confused Lincoln cracked the door open about a minute later, “Clarke?” He asked sleepily as he pulled the door open revealing himself, dressed only in a pair of boxer shorts. “What are you doing here?” He asked, looking at the watch on his wrist, “Now?”

 

“Uh…” Clarke started tiredly, “Lexa was shot.”

 

“What? When?” Lincoln exclaimed, holding the door open and leading Clarke inside the apartment as he took her bags from her.

 

Clarke filled him in on what had happened before walking to Lexa’s bedroom to call Indra. Lincoln was both worried and in shock as he listened to Clarke; he was worried about Lexa, of course he was, by now she was like a sister to him and couldn’t stand thinking something bad happened to her. She was on the verge of collapsing and the sight of the unmade bed only made it harder to keep her eyes open – it was 4am now after all, long day to say the least. Letting herself fall onto the bed, she brought up her phone and scrolled through her contacts looking for Indra.

 

“Clarke?” Indra asked from the other side, her voice heavy with sleep. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” Well, her daughter’s girlfriend calling her at this time could never be something good.

 

“It’s about Lexa.” Clarke answered, her voice sounding rough and tired. “Indra, she was shot.” Her voice cracked by the end of that sentence, earning a very loud _what_ from the other end. “I’m at her place right now, just got back from the hospital.” She continued.

 

“What happened? How is she?” Indra sounded frantic, the panic evident in her voice.

 

“A mugging gone wrong, apparently.” Clarke answered. “I left the hospital after she got out of surgery. The bullet went in through her stomach and it was at close range, she’s in the ICU right now.” She forced the words out, saying it out loud made it feel more real, made it scarier. “I’m going back to see her during visiting hours, which is in like 4 hours.”

 

“How bad is it? Is she going to be okay?” Indra asked again. “Should I come down?”

 

“No, no, you don’t have to do that.” Clarke answered. “I’ll let you know the moment anything changes.” She sighed, going back to the first part questions. “Surgery went alright according to her doctor but she lost a lot of blood; I don’t really know anything else yet.”

 

* * *

 

_Next day_

 

She didn’t get much sleep, maybe an hour or so but Clarke did manage to grab a bite to eat before going down to the hospital this morning. Lincoln was still asleep when Clarke woke up so she took Lexa’s car keys and headed out. Walking down to the car and unlocking it, Clarke was almost surprised at how clean Lexa’s car was, compared to Clarke’s one anyways. It was a short drive to the hospital, no more than a few minutes, and once she got there, it was only a couple of minutes wait at the reception before a nurse showed her the way to the ICU. Clarke hadn’t said much since getting here, only told the receptionist who she was here for and smiled at the nurse who showed her to Lexa.

 

Walking up to the door to the ICU, the nurse stopped, “And here we are.” He told Clarke with a small smile. “Go in, turn left, Miss Woods is on the bed at the far end.” Clarke nodded, about to reach out and push the door open, “Wait,” He stopped her. “I’m just giving you a head’s up okay, she’s not doing too well right now, and she doesn’t look great.” He said slowly. “The bullet did a number on her, and so did surgery. So just…prepare yourself, okay?”

 

Clarke gave a small hesitant nod as he pushed the door, holding it open for her. Stepping in, Clarke did as she was told, turned to her left and scanned her eyes to the end of the large room as she found Lexa and walked up to Lexa’s bed; she couldn’t really see much without getting closer. She was almost dreading it, Clarke didn’t know how bad it was, not yet, but really bad from what she was told so far and she’s not sure how she was going to take to seeing Lexa like this.

 

Not well apparently; the moment Clarke came to stand by the foot of Lexa’s bed, her breath hitched and her knees threatened to give out from under her at the sight of Lexa. Like Lexa’s doctor had said earlier, she had a ventilator helping her breathe; she looked pale, that was the second thing Clarke noticed, pale and weak and…fragile. It looked like just touching her could break her right now. Her chest was rising and falling steadily with every breath, and the machines were beeping away next to her, which was a little comfort to Clarke – telling her she was still here and okay.

 

It took Clarke a moment to make herself step up closer to the side of her bed and sit down on the chair by Lexa’s bed. “You’re going to be okay Lex.” Clarke spoke quietly, her throat closing up as she brought her hand up to take Lexa’s. “Everything’s going to be okay,” She made small circles on the back of Lexa’s hand with her thumb as Clarke felt tears welling up in her eyes. She fell silent, shaking her head a little before letting her head drop. Clarke tried to fight the tears, she did, but seeing Lexa like this only showed her how easy it would be to lose her.

 

“You can’t leave me okay?” Clarke asked after a few minutes of silence. “You have to wake up, you can’t leave me alone.” She almost whispered, gently kissing Lexa’s hand. They had so much more to look forward to; hell, they had their entire lives to look forward to, there was still another year of college left before they even got the chance to live their lives together. “We have so much left to do.” They hadn’t so much as gotten the chance to _talk_ about what they wanted to do in terms of their relationship; they had so much to figure out and so much to do. “So much more to figure out, just the two of us babe.” _It can’t be cut short like this, not now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst angst and more angst to come really. this one wasn't too bad i think, not too angsty...? maybe because i'm working on a chapter that's waaay angsty-er? idk i feel like this chapter wasn't much but i promise the next one will be better. and again, thanks for reading and let me know what you thought of this one.


	8. I'm not okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of days covered in this chapter. Clarke is still a mess, Lexa's still not doing doing too great, we see Lincoln, and Raven calls to check in on Lexa. And something **happens** in the second half of the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back on time with an update, yay. thanks for all the comments, they're really encouraging me write faster. i kinda had the second half of this chapter drafted for a while, i did that when i was in a really angsty mood. so it was nice to finally put it in and write it out. i won't say i cried but i almost did and yes, it is more angsty than the last chapter.

> _Day 2_

 

“Anya called.” Lincoln said to Clarke later that night, they were both sitting in the living room with dinner on the coffee table, they ordered take out from a Chinese place that delivered later on in the night. “Have you talked to her?”

 

“No,” Clarke shook her head. She was tired and exhausted and worried about Lexa too much to be thinking about anyone else right now. She had spent the day at the hospital with her, hoping Lexa would wake up but the most Clarke got out of her was Lexa’s fingers twitching slightly. Clarke had seen Lexa’s doctor before leaving, and he let her know Lexa would be moved out of the ICU tomorrow morning. That should’ve put Clarke at ease, at least slightly because it meant Lexa _was_ improving – but she still hadn’t woken up and no one could really tell when she would. “I’ve only talked to Indra a couple of times.” Clarke told him, pausing for a moment before asking. “How is Anya doing?”

 

“Same as you.” Lincoln answered. “Devastated, worried, she doesn’t really know what to feel.” They’d talked for a while earlier today, Anya seemed broken and torn up over this, something Lincoln’s never seen on her before, and he really wished there was something he could do to help with that. Lexa was one of the most important people in Anya’s life if not _the most_ important and it would destroy her with anything happened to her sister.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, setting her box of takeout on the coffee table, almost completely uneaten. “It feels unreal, I still can’t get it through my head that she’s in the hospital right now, still unconscious.” She let her hand fall into her hand, rubbing her forehead. “Fuck, she was shot.” Clarke whispered. “What if she doesn’t wake up Lincoln?” She brought her head up, her voice starting to crack again. Clarke’s not even sure if she got any sleep last night, she was worried too much about Lexa to sleep and even when she finally drifted off, Clarke had more than one nightmare that only made her more anxious to see Lexa.

 

“She’s going to be fine,” Lincoln got up, walking over to sit down next to Clarke. “She’s going to wake up soon and everything is going to go back to the way it was.” He placed a hand on her back, trying to comfort her.

 

“You haven’t seen her Lincoln.” Clarke shook her head, looking at him. “She’s lost so much blood, she hasn’t recovered from even just that yet.” She told him. “She looks so pale and weak and tired and…god, not like herself.”

 

* * *

 

> _Day 3_

 

Waking up the next morning, the first thing Clarke noticed was that she had a splitting headache; most of last night was spent…crying really because every moment that past with Lexa not waking up made her more and more worried that something would go wrong, that maybe she _wouldn’t_ wake up. Clarke didn’t have the stomach for breakfast so she decided to just take off and get a coffee on the way. Parking her car at the hospital, Clarke’s phone rang just as she stepped out – it was Raven. “Hey,” Clarke said tiredly as she answered.

 

“Hey,” Raven said from the other side. “I’ve been meaning to call you Clarke.” She added. “I heard what happened to Lexa, how is she?”

 

Clarke let out a sigh, leaning against the side of her car. “I don’t really know,” She replied. “I think she’s a little better, they’re supposed to move her out of the ICU today.”

 

“That’s good.” Raven nodded to herself because asking, “Has she woken up yet?”

 

“No…”

 

“And how are you doing?” Raven asked carefully, she could only imagine what Clarke was going through right now; she doesn’t even want to think what it’d be like if it was Octavia in Lexa’s place. “This can’t be easy.”

 

“I don’t know how I’m doing.” Clarke replied quietly. “It gets worse with every passing moment because she’s still not awake.” She paused for a moment. “And I don’t know when she’s going to be.” She fell silent again, Raven not saying anything either, “Or _if_ she’s even going to wake up.”

 

“She is,” Raven answered instantly. “Of course she’s going to wake up, Lexa’s going to be fine.”

 

Clarke let out a shaky breath, fighting tears again. “I don’t know Raven.” Her voice cracked as she shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose her.” She hasn’t gotten the chance to talk to anyone about this, about what she was going through right now. A little to Lincoln but not much, it was only because Clarke couldn’t hold off anymore.

 

“You’re not going to,” Raven tried to comfort her. “It might take a little while, but she will be okay.” She added. “Where are you right now?”

 

“I just got to the hospital.” Clarke replied. “About to go in.”

 

“You should go then, but call me later okay?” She told her. “And Clarke,” Raven said, about to hang up. “Lexa’s going to be fine, I know you’re worried but she’s strong, she’s going to make it.”

 

Hanging up, Clarke walked into the hospital before stepping up to the reception and asking about Lexa because she needed to know which room she had been moved to. The person on the other side of the desk nodded before typing something into the computer in front of them; but instead of speaking to Clarke, picked up the phone to call someone. It was a very short call and Clarke couldn’t make out what they were saying. “Take a seat, a doctor will be with you in a minute.” The receptionist said to Clarke, nodding towards the chairs a couple of feet away.

 

“I just need to know which room she’s in.” Clarke responded, a little confused.

 

“Yes, take a seat.”

 

.

 

Dr. Jackson – a name Clarke finally picked up on – walked up to where she was sitting a few minutes later causing her to stand up and taking a step closer to him. “Is everything okay?” She asked the moment she saw him. “Is Lexa okay?” There was panic in her voice, Clarke couldn’t stop herself from thinking something had gone wrong because why did she have to wait to even be told what room Lexa was in?

 

“She’s okay now.” He replied.

 

“What do you mean now?” Clarke asked, still panicking, maybe a little more after hearing him.

 

“There was a complication with the ventilator.” Dr. Jackson told her before explaining, “Miss Woods had a seizure-”

 

“A _wHAT?_ ”

 

“She’s okay now.” He answered with a nod. “And we removed the ventilator, she’s breathing on her own.”

 

Clarke nodded slowly, “Okay, that’s at least something.” She sighed, not sure what to feel right now. “It means she’s getting better, right?” Clarke asked almost desperately, letting out a sigh of relief when the doctor nodded slightly. “Can I see her?”

 

He nodded, “Upstairs, room 447.” Dr. Jackson told her. "She’s still not awake, but the odds are starting to look better.”

 

That was good, that was good news, very good actually; they went from not knowing if Lexa was even going to be okay to the doctor telling Clarke her odds were getting better. Nonetheless she was still worried after hearing about what happened earlier this morning, it meant something bad could happen at any moment – it meant Lexa could be gone at any moment. So wordlessly, Clarke made her way to the elevator then to Lexa’s room, stopping in front of the door that read _447_. It took her a moment to make herself reach to the door handle and turn it, Clarke didn’t know what she was feeling right now. She was both worried and relieved; worried because something serious happened this morning that could’ve ended up a lot worse, and relieved because Lexa was at least breathing on her own now.

 

Finally opening the door, Clarke walked inside, taking a seat next to Lexa before taking her hand; she didn’t look as pale as she did the first day she saw her, but she still looked tired and exhausted and frail. She sat there in silence for a few long minutes, running small circles on the back of Lexa’s hand and realizing the tears in her eyes for the first time – she could’ve lost her today, if something like this had happened a couple of days ago, the chances of Clarke losing her would’ve been a lot higher.

 

“You can’t do something like that again,” Clarke shook her head, quietly speaking to Lexa. “You can’t leave me now, we have so much left to do.” She paused, taking a shaky breath. “ _You_ have so much left to do.” Clarke leaned down, pressing a soft kiss on the back of her hand. “And you’re going to be okay,” She added. “Right?” She practically asked, looking at Lexa, almost expecting a reply. “You’re going to wake up soon and everything is going to be fine.” Clarke sighed, “I promise. You’re going to be fine.”

 

* * *

 

> _Day 4_

 

It had been three days, three days since the shooting, and the forth day Clarke had been in Chicago waiting for Lexa to wake up. It was almost 8am right now and Clarke was still lying wide awake in bed. She had woken up a good few hours ago, unsure of what could’ve woken her up; probably worrying about Lexa, or maybe it was another nightmare about her. Yes, she was doing better today – well technically yesterday, but Clarke hadn’t really slept – better than the day she was shot, but she hadn’t woken up since surgery and Clarke was still worried. Given how Lexa was moved out of the ICU today – no, _yesterday_ – Clarke would’ve stayed the night with her but the hospital had pretty strict visiting times so she didn’t have a choice but to come back to Lexa’s apartment; she could stay till 10pm now though. Even after the past few days, it felt weird in the apartment without Lexa, Clarke hadn’t really spent any time here alone before this; the couple of times she’s visited since Lexa moved here, she was always here with her. Well she wasn’t completely alone, Lincoln was asleep across the apartment but she might as well be; the bed felt empty without Lexa, it felt strange being here without her by her side.

 

Lost in her thoughts, the phone suddenly ringing on the nightstand startled Clarke, almost making her jump. Pushing herself up enough to grab her it, Clarke answered it straight away, not even bothering to check who it was. The moment the caller identified themself as the someone from the hospital, Clarke’s breath hitched, worried that something had gone wrong with Lexa once again. It was a short phone call, and a positive on, to let Clarke know Lexa had woken up. She’s not sure how she felt at hearing that because _relief_ wasn’t enough, so instead of trying to understand it Clarke was up and out of the apartment in no more than ten minutes.

 

.

 

Walking up to Lexa’s room, Clarke stopped for a moment; her hand on the door handle but unmoving as she prepared herself for what was on the other side of the door. On her way up here, she had seen two police officers walking down the hallway, coming from the direction of Lexa’s room and it was safe to assume they were here to talk to her; so Clarke knew she was still awake, but she may have just given a statement about the shooting so Lexa might not be at her best right now – as good as she can be that is.

 

Finally pushing the handle down, she opened the door slowly before stepping inside. “Hey,” She said to Lexa quietly; she was leaning back on two pillows, slightly raised from the bed but not sitting up entirely as Clarke heard the machines beeping softly next to the bed.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed out, her voice tired and small, just barely audible but still happy despite everything to see her. She waited as Clarke made her way towards her, before trying to raise herself up enough so she could hug Clarke. But a sharp pain shot through her body, causing her to fall back onto the pillow with a grunt. Lexa bit down on her lip and squeezed her eyes shut as she caught her breath, trying to ignore the pain.

 

“Easy,” Clarke rushed to her side, bringing a hand up to Lexa’s arm, “Don’t try to get up,” She told her, concern in her voice as her eyes scanned over Lexa, unsure of what she was even looking for. “Just relax.”

 

They both remained silent for a moment, Clarke just watching Lexa carefully and Lexa needing to catch her breath after trying to get herself up. “What are you doing here?” Lexa finally asked; she wasn’t expecting to see Clarke when she woke up but her doctor had told her Clarke would be here in a little while. So Lexa was still wondering what Clarke was doing here given how there was still classes left till winter break.

 

“The hospital called me when they brought you in,” Clarke answered. “So…I caught the next flight here.” She gave her a small smile. “I didn’t know I was your emergency contact.”

 

“Aren’t you missing class?” Lexa asked her in response, for a moment only thinking about Clarke.

 

“I am,” She replied with a nod. “But I’d rather be here. And don’t worry about me okay, let me do the worrying for now.” Lexa gave her a small nod, closing her eyes for a moment. “How are you feeling?” Clarke asked after a second.

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa replied tiredly, her eyes still closed. “There are parts of my body that are numb, and there are other parts that are throbbing in pain. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.” She added with a sigh.

 

“Did they give you anything for the pain?” Clarke asked her, well, obviously they had, what Clarke meant was whether they’d given her anything recently.

 

“Hmm,” She nodded, opening her eyes this time. “I’m on their maximum dose but it stopped working a little after I woke up.”

 

Clarke didn’t really know what she could do that might help, there probably _wasn’t_ anything she could do other than just be here for Lexa right now. She wouldn’t want to talk about what happened just yet; Clarke had the general idea of what happened but this wasn’t about that, this was about Lexa not suppressing it and pushing it down. She’d need her space and time until she was ready to talk, Clarke knew her well enough to know that by now, and Clarke was okay with that, she just wanted to make sure Lexa _would_ eventually talk about it instead of internalizing what she was feeling. “I saw the cops were here.”

 

“Yeah, they got the guy.” Lexa told Clarke slowly, her voice measured and small, doing her best to not tire herself out even more. “But they needed a statement from me.”

 

“What did you tell them?” Clarke took a chance, asking her gently.

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, remaining unmoving as she looked away. “Can we talk about that later?” She asked Clarke, her voice quieter this time. “I’m just…really tired…and I spent the last half hour talking about it to the officers…” She looked down at Clarke’s hand before reaching out and taking it. “I’ve been awake for two hours and I’m already on the verge of passing out again.” Lexa was tired, and she was hurting, and her feelings were a mess right now. She didn’t really know what she wanted to do right now or what might even help, but from what she gathered, talking was only making her more tired, it was requiring too much effort.

 

Clarke gave her a nod understandingly, her other hand coming up to Lexa’s face as she brushed a strand of hair away. “Why don’t you close your eyes, take a nap if you need to?” Clarke asked. “You need as much rest as you can get.”

 

“I don’t want to.” Lexa answered instantly. There was a slight waver in her voice and Clarke wasn’t sure whether it was because she was tired or something else entirely. Noticing Clarke’s questioning look, Lexa explained, “I’m scared to…” She admitted, looking away from her. “What if I don’t wake up…? I didn’t for what…three days.”

 

“You will.” Clarke tried to reassure her. “Nothing’s going to happen to you, okay? You’re going to be fine.”

 

Lexa took in a deep breath, regretting it immediately as her lungs expanded, causing her stitches to pull. Letting out a small groan instead, she looked at Clarke. “Can you lie down next to me?” Lexa didn’t offer an explanation, she just needed this right now, she needed to be close to Clarke, to anyone right now that would help her convince herself that she was still alive and here. They hadn’t seen each other in months and that itself was enough for Lexa to want to be close to Clarke, but given everything else right now, she _needed_ it.

 

Clarke gave her a small nod, not questioning it as she slowly and carefully got into bed next to Lexa. It was a little tight but Clarke stayed on her side, trying to give Lexa as much room as possible so she could be comfortable. But Lexa seemed to move closer, still lying on her back as she did her best to close the distance between the two of them without hurting herself. “Hey,” Clarke spoke softly after a moment, hearing a sniffle coming from Lexa, telling her she was crying. “It’s okay,” She tried to comfort her. “You’re okay.”

 

Lexa shook her head slowly against Clarke. “I’m not.” She told her through tears, trying her best to fight them. “I’m not okay. I just…I don’t…” She didn’t know what she wanted to say right now, she didn’t even know how she felt about everything that was happening let alone try to interpret it. It was overwhelming and Lexa just felt lost right now.

 

“Shh,” Clarke tried to calm her down. “You don’t have to say anything.”

 

“Everything hurts Clarke.” She told her quietly, sounding defeated as her eyes closed again and her hand went up to where the bullet had gone in. “Everything.”

 

She hated the way Lexa sounded right now, she hated how in pain she was and how there was nothing she could do to help lessen it. Right now Clarke wanted nothing more than to figure out a way that might make her feel better. “I know baby,” She kissed the top of her head, one of her arms going up around Lexa, gently rubbing her hand over Lexa’s arm, trying to comfort her.

 

“I don’t know how to stop it.” Lexa spoke, her voice just above a whisper, almost sounding out of breath.

 

“Give it time,” Clarke tried. “Now you need to rest,”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, closing her eyes, “Promise me you’ll be here when I wake up, Clarke.”

 

“I’ll be right here,” She reassured her. “I promise,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well i think this week's update was a good one, well i mean, no one's dead right? now i'm about to bring out all the stops with the hurt/comfort angst because heck yeah that's my thing. anyways, thanks for reading, and let me know what you thought.


	9. Don't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right from the end of the last chapter. Lexa might be awake but...it's really not easy right now. Clarke's here, and that helps but really, nothing does - the pain and the memories of the shooting are just too bad right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i wouldn't be able to get this chapter up tonight because i totally forgot it was friday. and i spent last night writing lostia angst lmao why so i totally forgot about this until a few hours ago. so yeah, this is lexa's first day at the hospital after waking up and yeahhhhh she's not doing too well. i mean obviously, given everything she can't really be doing too well. this is good ol' fashioned hurt/comfort so i hope you guys like it.

It had been almost half an hour since Lexa had drifted off to sleep before someone quietly came inside to leave her breakfast, telling Clarke she might not want to eat right away but to try and get Lexa to eat even if it was just a little. A few minutes after that, Clarke suddenly remembered she hadn’t called Indra or Anya or anyone to tell them about Lexa. Slowly slipping out of bed, careful not to wake up Lexa, Clarke grabbed her phone and stepped out of the room, making sure to leave the door open slightly.

 

Sitting down on one of the hard plastic chairs against the wall right next to the door, Clarke unlocked her phone and found Indra from her contacts list before calling her; she didn’t seem to answer and the call only went to voice mail so Clarke just asked her to call back when she was free. So instead, she called Anya, who answered on the second ring. “Anya, hi.”

 

“Hi,” Anya greeted. “I wasn’t expecting you to call.”

 

“Yeah, Lincoln said you called earlier; I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner, I’ve been…busy.” Clarke apologized.

 

“With Lexa?”

 

“Yeah,”

 

“How is she doing?” Anya finally asked, she also sounded tired, like she hadn’t slept in a few nights. “Last I spoke with Lincoln he said they moved her out of the ICU.”

 

Clarke nodded to herself before answering, “Yeah, she was. I’m actually at the hospital right now.”

 

“Is everything okay?” Anya asked instantly, a little panicked.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Clarke smiled. “She’s awake.” She heard Anya let out quiet gasp. “Well, she’s asleep now but she woke up today.”

 

“Lexa’s okay?” She asked, still in disbelieve and Clarke hummed in response, smiling softly. “How is she doing?” Anya added, calmer now, and relieved.

 

“You know her, she’s strong, she’ll be fine.” But she paused for a second, “Lexa’s not that great right now.” Clarke answered. “She’s really tired, the cops were here for a statement before I arrived and she hasn’t really told me anything about it.”

 

“Yeah that’s expected really, she wouldn’t want to talk about it right away.” Anya said with a nod. “When did she fall asleep?”

 

“About half an hour ago.” Clarke answered. “Do you want to talk to her after she wakes up?”

 

“Yes,” Anya replied. “But only if she wants to right now, I’ll understand if she needs some time to herself.” She added quickly; Anya knew what her sister was like and when something happened, she usually liked some space. “Oh, did you call my mom?”

 

“I tried, she didn’t pick up, probably at work.” Clarke told her. “Could you please let her know?”

 

“I will as soon as I get hold of her.” Anya answered, pausing for a second before quietly adding, “Take care of her okay?”

 

.

 

“Do you want something to eat?” Clarke asked Lexa a little after she had woken up. She was asleep for about half hour and it was a very restless half an hour. A few minutes after Clarke returned to the room, she noticed Lexa stirring uncomfortably; it didn’t really stop and Clarke did her best to try and comfort her, holding her hand and rubbing her thumb over it gently, but nothing seemed to help. Lexa eventually woke up with a jolt, the sudden movement causing her to curse out loud in pain and press her head into the pillow.

 

Lexa only shook her head in response, not moving so much to even look at Clarke. “I feel sick,” She told her. “I can’t stomach anything right now.”

 

Clarke was sitting in an armchair at the corner of the room because Lexa wanted a little space right now. The room was nice, Lexa would be here a little while so it made sense to get one that was; there was a window to Lexa’s left that looked out into the city. The view was a little gloomy right now, dark sky and drizzling rain but Lexa didn’t mind, for some reason it was calming. She turned her head to look at Clarke this time, watching as she got up and walked over to the bed.

 

“You know you need to eat, right?” Clarke asked as she made her way to Lexa before sitting down on the chair next to the bed. “You’ll just feel weaker if you don’t babe.”

 

Lexa shook her head, “Not right now.” She remained silent for a moment before continuing, “My insides feel shredded, like someone put my organs through a food processor before putting them back inside me.” Lexa explained, her voice quiet and low, almost measured. “I can’t imagine putting any food in me right now, it’s just going to come back up.”

 

Clarke watched her for a moment before asking, “Do you need anything?” She asked gently instead.

 

“Can you press the little button?” Lexa pointed at the small button a few inches in front of her right hand which was for the painkiller drip; she couldn’t make herself stretch enough to reach it.

 

Clarke nodded, reaching for it and pressing it as Lexa closed her eyes and let out a small content breath. “Here,” She brought the button closer to Lexa’s hand, so she would be able to reach it the next time she needed it. Clarke was more than happy to help her out now with anything she needed right now but Clarke knew how Lexa was, she didn’t like to ask for anything; and maybe just this small thing being in her control would help.

 

It was a slow day, the two of them barely talking because Lexa was too weary to do so and well, she didn’t really want to talk about _it_ , not yet. Having Clarke there in the same room as her was enough to keep herself together – for now – Lexa knew all her emotions would come out sooner or later, much like this morning, but for now, she felt alright. She kind of just drifted in and out of sleep for most of the day and the only thing she noticed happening around her was her doctor coming in to check on her a couple of times. Although the heavy medication was making her drowsy and making her want to sleep, sleep wasn’t that easy right now, because every time Lexa closed her eyes, moments from the shooting flashed inside her eyes. That would take a while to stop, she knew that but maybe it would get a little easier after a couple of days. She had eaten close to nothing all day, maybe a couple of spoonfuls at lunch, that’s probably one of the reasons why she was feeling weaker than this morning right now. Clarke had told her Anya asked to give her a call if she was up for it but Lexa declined, she didn’t want to worry her mom and sister so it would be better to talk to them when at least her voice didn’t sound as small and fragile. Not only that, but Lexa didn’t like anyone seeing her like this, Clarke was the only one here right now and that was probably the one good thing.

 

.

 

“Do you have to go?” Lexa asked, almost desperately as she watched Clarke get up and start to gather her things later that night.

 

Clarke frowned at her tone, standing by her head next to the bed. “I don’t want to babe.” She told her. “But visiting hours end at ten, so I have to go.” Clarke added with a sigh. “Call me if anything’s wrong, or if you just need to talk, doesn’t matter how late it is okay?” She waited for Lexa to give her a nod before speaking again, “And I think you can ask them for something to help you sleep if you need it.”

 

“I think the meds I’m on now will knock me out soon enough,” Lexa replied. “I don’t have much in my body other than them.”

 

Clarke nodded, “I should get going before someone kicks me out,” She smiled at Lexa. “I’ll be here first thing in the morning, probably before you even wake up.” She leaned down, kissing Lexa’s forehead, “I love you.”

 

Standing up straight again, Clarke gave her a soft smile as she left reluctantly. She didn’t want to leave, no part of her wanted Lexa to be alone right now and Clarke would give anything to make sure she wasn’t. Clarke knew the last thing Lexa needed right now was to be on her own because if this morning was anything to go by, she could have a breakdown any moment and no one needed to be alone through that – especially after something like this. Also given the entire day, Clarke could see how Lexa was trying to internalize and ignore everything she was feeling, she didn’t want to talk about it, or about anything really, and that usually meant it would come out unexpectedly when she couldn’t take it anymore. Yes, Clarke knew Lexa needed time and space before talking about the incident, but she also knew internalizing it and trying to ignore her feelings right now wouldn’t lead to anything good.

 

“Dr. Jackson,” Clarke called out as she was walking down the hallway, suddenly spotting him a few feet away.

 

He looked up, giving Clarke a smile in response, “Going home?” Clarke nodded. “How is Ms. Woods doing?”

 

“Not great…as well as you’d expect I guess.” Clarke answered with a sigh. “Is it a good idea to let her be alone tonight?” She asked carefully. “She hasn’t been that great all day, and she has been getting nightmares every time she so much as closes her eyes.” It was easy to tell that that’s what was happening every time she woke up with a jolt; Lexa only told Clarke the second time it happened, after that she just kept putting it off with ‘ _It was nothing_ ’ and ‘ _I’m fine_ ’.

 

Dr. Jackson thought for a moment, Clarke was right and there were exceptions to their visiting hours sometimes depending on the patient and their circumstances. “We prefer not to have anyone stay so the patients can relax and get some sleep,” He told her. “But we do make exceptions depending on the patient.” He added. “Why don’t I go see Ms. Woods, and if she doesn’t want to be alone, you can stay with her tonight.”

 

Clarke gave him a nod, watching as he walked away in the direction she had just come from. She stood there waiting, it wasn’t long, maybe two minutes before Dr. Jackson returned, telling her she can go back to Lexa; it wouldn’t be an everyday thing while Lexa was here but given this was the first night she was awake, the doctor was willing to make this exception. “Thank you so much,” Clarke said to him with a thankful smile before walking away, back towards Lexa’s room.

 

Lexa stirred lightly as she noticed someone push the door open; Dr. Jackson hadn’t closed it all the way and a small streak of light was making it’s way into her room when he had left. “Convinced him to let you stay?” She asked, recognizing Clarke in the dark, her voice sleepy and tired, much like a few minutes ago.

 

Clarke nodded, closing the door behind her. “Yeah,” She walked up towards Lexa’s bed, sitting down by her feet. “I know you didn’t want to be alone.”

 

Lexa let out a small breath with a nod, “I’m so tired Clarke.” She told her quietly, not really knowing why she was even telling her, there wasn’t anything Clarke could do about it. But she was, she was so tired, all day really, ever since waking up. She was a bit more relaxed now though, the drugs were kicking in and Lexa knew she would probably drift off to sleep soon.

 

“I know,” Clarke told her, her hand going to Lexa’s leg and gently squeezing it. “Do you want me to turn off that little light so you can sleep?”

 

She shook her head immediately, “Don’t,” Complete darkness didn’t go well with her right now; it reminded Lexa of the _incident_ and how alone she felt right then. In the dark street, with no one else around, when she thought for sure she was going to die, Lexa just felt alone more than anything else. She thought she was going to die alone on the cold hard pavement. And now, every time she was alone, that’s how she felt, and that’s why Lexa was so weary when Clarke was about to leave. Darkness did the same, Lexa realized, it took her mind back right there.

 

Clarke could hear it in her voice, she’s not entirely sure what it was though, almost like Lexa was afraid of something. “I won’t.” She reassured her. “Do you need anything?”

 

“Can you get me a glass of water please?”

 

.

 

Clarke had drifted off to sleep a little while after Lexa, and she was right, the drugs put her to sleep pretty quickly. Clarke was still worried about her, of course she was, after what happened it would be weird if she wasn’t. Lexa didn’t say much after Clarke came back, only glad to not have to be alone tonight. Clarke was curled up on the arm chair at the corner of the room when she woke up; it took her a moment to realize what had woken her up, looking around in the dimly lit room, she found Lexa stirring uncomfortably on her bed.

 

Standing up slowly, Clarke made her way to her, quietly sitting down on the chair next to her bed before taking her hand gently. She tried to comfort her, rubbing her thumb on the back of her hand, then moving to gently touch her arm, but nothing seemed to help calm her down. Finally Clarke realized she should probably wake her up from whatever nightmare she was having right now. “Lex?” Clarke said gently, her hand on Lexa’s arm tapping lightly. “Everything’s okay babe.” She told her quietly. “Just a bad dream, open your eyes.” Clarke let out a sigh, bringing her hand up to Lexa’s hair and pushing it out of her face. “Hey, Lexa.” She spoke a little louder this time, trying to get through to her. “Come on, wake up.” Lexa didn’t seem to hear her, but whatever was bothering her seemed to be getting worse so Clarke leaned back in her seat, watching Lexa carefully, knowing there was nothing she could do right now other than just wait for her to wake up.

 

It was about a minute before Lexa suddenly jolted, her back coming off the bed as she sat up straight instantly, yanking herself out of the nightmare and back into reality. She let out a loud cry in pain, her body not taking well to the sudden forceful movement. “Fuck,” Lexa muttered breathlessly, arms clutching around her stomach as she squeezed her eyes shut.

 

“Lexa, hey,” Clarke leaned forward instantly, a hand going on her back as she watched her breathe rapidly, letting out small grunts and whines with every breath. “Do you need me get someone?”

 

Lexa shook her head, “Lights,” She managed to get out between breaths. “On. _Now_.”

 

Clarke practically jumped out of her seat before hitting the light switch and returning. “Better?”

 

She took a moment before starting calm down, tears stinging the back of her eyes out of pain and feeling the sheen of sweat covering her back. “I think I popped my stitches.” Lexa got out, “It really hurts.”

 

“Lie down, come on.” Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s arm gently lowering her onto the pillow and hearing her let out another grunt. “Let me see,” Once she was lying down, Clarke pulled the gown up slightly, looking at the bandage which still looked clean so hopefully that meant she wasn’t bleeding. “It looks alright, I think the stitches are fine but I can get a nurse if you wanna make sure.”

 

“No, it’s fine.” Lexa replied, having difficulty speaking; she was a little sick of strangers touching her and poking her and the pain was slowly starting to subside so it should be fine in a few minutes. “I’m just-” A sob cut her off, she couldn’t hold it back anymore as her hand went up to her mouth, trying to stop herself.

 

“God, come here,” Clarke muttered quietly, bringing herself closer to Lexa before pulling her into a hug. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” She said to her, holding her gently. “Shh,” Clarke tried to comfort her, now hearing the quiet sobs breaking out of Lexa. “I’m here.” Another sob escaped Lexa, causing her to hold onto Clarke tighter – as much as she could right now anyways. Every part of her was hurting right now and she couldn’t get those images out of her head, it was almost as if they were printed on the back of her eye lids and nothing at the moment seemed to help lessen the pain even slightly. “I got you.”

 

“Don’t let go.” Lexa said quietly, pressing herself against Clarke and trying to be as close to her as possible. “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still very much enjoying writing this. the next few chapter will be more of hurt/comfort, kinda like this but they'll all kinda be about different things. coz lexa's going through a lot and there are a lot of different things that are effecting her. so yeah, still excited and i hope you guys are liking it so far. let me know what you thought of this chapter and thanks for reading.


	10. You're my everything, Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets her bandages changed and doesn't take well to seeing her scars. She's tired and exhausted and she feels like she's falling apart. And it also finally hits her that she almost died. Everything is just...a mess and very hard right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its still along the same lines coz more hurt/comfort + angst. i think there's more angst in the second-ish half because lexa is....me. and it was hard writing some of the parts. also i got really personal in the end of chapter notes so just wanted to give a heads up if you don't wanna waste your time reading that.

> _Day 5_

 

The morning was a little better than the previous night, Lexa woke up in a slightly better state and she didn’t seem as tired. She still wasn’t doing too well but Clarke managed to get her to eat a little breakfast, a few spoonfuls of oatmeal that looked nothing like food in all honesty. Lexa didn’t have much to say, only a few words here and there, nothing about the shooting. It wasn’t long before she picked up on the fact that there wasn’t much of anything she could do on her own; getting a glass of water, bringing herself sit up straight, literally anything and everything, Lexa needed someone to help her. She couldn’t even feed herself this morning because every muscle on her body was either hurting or felt to tired to move and all she really wanted to do right now was lie in bed and not so much as speak.

 

“Here,” Clarke said quietly as she carefully placed another pillow behind Lexa’s back before letting her lean back against it – she had a hand on Lexa’s upper arm, holding her up before gently helping her lean back. “Is that okay?” Lexa only nodded as she did her best to settle down comfortably, nothing seemed to be comfortable right now – only more painful and less painful. There were two pillows under her head and upper back right now, letting her lean off the bed just slightly, but not sitting up. Lexa couldn’t get herself to sit up, not completely for too long without it starting to hurt. “How are you feeling?”

 

“A little better.” Lexa replied quietly. “Not much, but better than last night.” She told her, her voice sounding just as careful and measured as yesterday but not as hoarse. “I still feel so tired, like I haven’t slept for two weeks straight or something.” She let out a small breath, knowing better than to take in too much air into her lungs at once. “I feel exhausted.”

 

Clarke nodded slowly, her hand slowly going to Lexa’s side, next to the bullet wound, she could feel the thick bandages through Lexa’s gown. “Still hurting babe?”

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded. “It hasn’t really stopped and I don’t know when it will.” She added, closing her eyes for a moment. “The dressings are starting to itch though. It feels really uncomfortable.”

 

Her doctor came in a little later to check up on her and make sure everything was as it should be. Dr. Jackson asked Lexa about her pain because the first few days were usually the worst and whether the painkiller dosage she was on right now was helping. He was mostly asking so he would know when to reduce it; Lexa had the highest allowance of morphine right now and it couldn’t stay like that for too long. Lexa had a few questions too, 1) was it was normal for her to feel this tired all the time, and 2) was the intense and constant pain in her abdomen to be expected. It was normal, both of it, and they would both last a little while, possibly even after she left the hospital.

 

“So I’m guessing recovery is going to be slow…” Lexa trailed off, having a little difficulty keeping her eyes open.

 

“Yes,” He nodded. “But there shouldn’t be any complications so you’re going to be fine.” Dr. Jackson offered with a small smile before speaking again. “Can I take a look at your dressings? I need to make sure everything’s healing alright. And it might be time to change the bandages.”

 

Lexa gave a small nod, pulling the thin blanket up to her waist before pulling the gown up, revealing the part of her stomach that was covered in white gauze. It was covering more than just the point where the bullet had gone in, at least that’s where Lexa remembered it going in. She looked away as he slowly pealed the tape around the edges before pulling the white bandage off her skin, revealing the stitches that were holding her skin closed where the bullet had gone in as well as where the doctors had to cut into her. Lexa couldn’t bare to look, she didn’t want to, she didn’t want to see what she looked like right now. It couldn’t be pretty, the surgery incisions would be bad enough on their own, Lexa couldn’t imagine what the bullet entry wound looked like.

 

Instead she looked at Clarke, who was standing a few feet away from the bed, giving the doctor some space. Clarke held her eyes, giving her a small smile, wanting to say it was okay. Lexa could feel the bandage being removed as the cool air sent a small stinging sensation over her wound. Clarke’s eyes wandered off to what the doctor was looking at; the skin was still very raw and bloody, fluids leaking out a little. There were obviously the ones from the surgery, a long horizontal one going down her left side and a smaller vertical one on her right. Those weren’t too bad, clean incisions and uniform stitches keeping raw and sensitive skin together. The really bad one, though, was where the bullet had gone in. It looked a lot bigger now than Clarke would’ve thought, and the stitches holding the jagged skin somewhat together was anything but uniform. It looked like it would take a long time to heal, you couldn’t even see the raw flesh, only blood and fluids.

 

“Everything looks okay.” Dr. Jackson said after a moment, “I’ll clean the sutures and redress them.” He told her. “And you’re doing good, nothing to worry about right now.”

 

.

 

Lexa hadn’t said much since her doctor left, this was the first time she had to see her wounds. She’s not sure what she was expecting them to be like but this wasn’t it; it looked a lot worse than she had thought, the skin was too raw and messed up and jagged, and it was hard to even believe that was part of her body. The image kept flashing in her head; the damaged skin, bleeding and leaking fluids, stitches holding it together that could pop open if she so much as moved wrong.

 

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked later on in the day, she seemed worse than she had this morning. Lexa’s been quiet for the most part, the medicines doing the same thing they had been yesterday, causing her to slip in and out of sleep for most of the day.

 

Lexa let out a small breath, “Yeah, yeah.” She nodded slowly, still hurting to make herself move anymore than just that. “I’m fine.”

 

“Hey,” Clarke said quietly, trying to get her attention as she moved to sit on the foot of Lexa’s bed. “What’s wrong?” She placed a hand on her leg, watching her carefully.

 

“The usual.” Lexa replied casually, closing her eyes. “Don’t feel too well.”

 

“Do you need anything?” Clarke asked but Lexa only shook her head.

 

“A bucket maybe,” Lexa answered sarcastically. “I feel nauseous.” Her hand went up to the clean bandages under the thin material.

 

“It’s the scars isn’t it?” Clarke says knowingly.

 

“They make me want to throw up.” She looked away from her. “It’s so bad, Clarke.” Lexa told her quietly, her voice was still tired and measured, she had literally no energy to spare. Her mind when back to it yet again, remembering the red, broken, jagged skin and the image flashing in her mind. That was a bad idea, thinking about it again was a mistake, because the moment she did this time, her stomach churned, the contents of it threatening to come out. “I think I _am_ going to throw up.” Lexa spoke carefully after a moment of silence, doing her best to hold it in.

 

“Oh,” Clarke moved immediately, reaching down under the bed to pull out the small blue tub before bringing it up to Lexa. “Here,” She placed it in front of her,

 

Lexa grabbed it out of Clarke’s hands, grasping it tightly in her’s hands, retching over it as the contents of her stomach came out. Clarke moved behind her, pulling her hair back out of the way and rubbing her back slowly. Lexa could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes, unsure whether it was from the burning sensation in her throat and the way her stomach hurt because of the stitches, or whether if it was the realization of how bad everything was right now. Because it was, it was terrible right now; everything about her was broken and hurt and fragile. It felt like even moving the wrong way could break her.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa managed to breathe out once she came up, trying to catch her breath, her voice was trembling and Lexa could barely hold herself upright right now. “I-”

 

“Shh,” Clarke stepped up in front of her, taking the bucket from her numb hands. “Relax, I’ll be right back.” She touched Lexa’s shoulder, noticing how she was trembling a little. Clarke set the bucket down on the table by the door before opening it, she should probably get someone to make sure everything was okay with Lexa. She was back after about a minute, walking into the bathroom because according to the nurse outside, this was perfectly normal. Lexa had her eyes closed so Clarke walked into the bathroom and came back out to her with a cold, wet towel to clean her up.

 

Lexa slowly opened her eyes, her head feeling a little fuzzy as she weakly watched Clarke approach her. “I don’t feel great.” She told her quietly, the words requiring more effort than she’d want. “Clarke,” Lexa tried to reach her hand out to take Clarke’s, her voice desperate, almost like she was pleading for her to do something to make her feel better.

 

Clarke sat down next to her, bringing the towel up to Lexa’s face and gently wiping the side of her mouth. “It’s okay.”

 

Lexa remained silent, closing her eyes as she felt the cool towel on her skin, it felt refreshing, made her feel a little better, cleaner. After a few seconds, she felt it stop, opening her eyes when Clarke touched the side of her face softly. “It’s not,” She shook her head slightly, absolutely drained of any energy. Lexa fell silent after that, reeling from what had just happened. She realized how fragile she was right now, and how fragile her life was at the end of the day. Lexa hadn’t thought about the shooting up until now and she hated all the realizations that came with it; life was short, and it was fragile, and nobody’s tomorrow was a guarantee. “I almost died Clarke…” She let out a small rushed breath, bringing her hand up to her face because the realization finally hit her like a train. “Oh my god, I almost died.”

 

That was the breaking point; Clarke could hear it in her voice, trembling and scared. She just seemed broken right now, fragile and terrified of what was happening. Clarke’s not sure when she was expecting it to hit her, but it was probably best it happened sooner than later. But she was right, she did almost die; god she came so close and Clarke came so close to losing her, for good. “But you’re here, you’re still here.” Clarke moved closer, Lexa bringing herself up slightly to press her face against Clarke’s stomach. “You’re still here.” She muttered, placing her hand on the back of Lexa’s head, holding her.

 

“But I came so close,” Lexa said quietly, not making the effort to move away from her. “Oh god, there’s so much that could’ve been taken away from us.” She shook her head against Clarke, wanting to be closer. “I don’t want to miss another second with you.”

 

Clarke ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She told her quietly. “We have so much of our lives left,” Clarke added. “So much left to do.” Lexa nodded, tears soaking through Clarke’s shirt. “You’re my everything Lexa,” Clarke told her quietly. “I wish I could’ve stopped this from happening,” She closed her eyes, tears leaking out. “Kept you safe…but I couldn’t, I almost lost you.”

 

Lexa stayed like that for a while, before slowly coming up again to lie down properly. “I’m not going anywhere.” She replied, still worn out and tired. “Not that easily.” Lexa didn’t like seeing Clarke upset, even now, even when she was the one in the bad place.

 

Clarke smiled at her through the tears, holding Lexa’s hand. “You don’t have to pretend to have it together right now okay?” She told her, “I’m okay, and right now I just want to make sure _you_ are okay.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, looking away from Clarke as she thought about what she wanted to ask. “You’d be okay, right?” She asked quietly, her throat burning as she spoke. “If something happened to me and I wasn’t here,” Lexa continued, looking back at her. “You’d be okay, right?” It hurt to even ask that, the thought of leaving Clarke behind…Lexa didn’t want to cause that kind of pain.

 

“Why are you asking me that?” Clarke asked worryingly. “Lexa nothing’s going to happen to you.” She told her. “You’re getting better, and you’re going to be okay.” She brought her hand up to her face, running her thumb gently over her cheek as Lexa closed her eyes.

 

“I don’t know if I am…” Lexa replied shakily, leaning into Clarke’s hand. “I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay after this.”

 

“But you’re still going to be here,” Clarke told her as Lexa opened her eyes. “And so am I, by your side no matter what.” She remained silent for a moment, waiting for Lexa to reply but when she didn’t, Clarke asked as she moved her hand away to take Lexa’s hand instead, “You _are_ going be here, right?”

 

Lexa let out a long slow breath, “I don’t know.” She noticed the worried look on Clarke’s face, “I’m broken, Clarke.” She told her, “Since long before this and I didn’t know if I could take another blow.” Tears threatened to spill so she closed her eyes, trying to stop it. “I was right.”

 

“Lexa, hey.” Clarke was concerned, more worried than she was since Lexa had woken up. “What are you talking about?”

 

She turned her head away, “I don’t even know.” Lexa’s voice broke, tears rolling down the side of her face and onto the pillow away from Clarke. “I wish there was a _redo button_ on my life.” She paused, “Or _delete_.” Lexa added. “So many things I’d like to forget.” She closed her eyes, “Maybe then I’d be okay…and whole.”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything, only leaned down to kiss her head. “You are whole. Things are hard, and I can’t even pretend to know what you’ve been put through, but you’re strong and you always make it.” She paused for a moment. “And you will again.”

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa finally looked back at Clarke, eyes now red and bloodshot. “I’m tired of needing to be strong all the time. I’m tired of knowing if I let my guard down for even a moment, I’m going to crash and burn. I’m tired of trying to hold myself up, hold my broken pieces together because if I don’t, I’m going to crumble.” She shook her head slightly. “Clarke, I’m just tired of living like this. Every moment feels like I’m fighting to just breathe.”

 

“It’ll get easier babe,” Clarke tried to comfort her, she didn’t know this is how Lexa was feeling right now – well Clarke knew she wasn’t feeling great but she didn’t know it was this bad.

 

“It doesn’t Clarke.” Lexa shook her head. “You just learn to live with it.” She explained. “Nothing gets easier. Things like this and everything it brings, you just carry with you for the rest of your life.” She thought about what she just said before adding, “But one morning you wake up and you don’t mind carrying it around anymore.” Clarke could feel an aching in her chest just from listening to Lexa, she couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with all that has happened to her. “But I’m already carrying so much Clarke,” She looked up at her pleadingly, wanting something to make it easier, the tears were refusing to stop now. “And I’m crushing under the weight.” The words came out quietly, barely audible.

 

“I’ll do everything I can to help you carry it.” Clarke told her slowly, “You’re not alone.” She leaned down again, kissing Lexa’s forehead before placing her head on the pillow next to her’s for a couple of seconds. “Not anymore, okay?”

 

A small, sudden sob escaped Lexa, turning on her side as she clenched her teeth, just needing someone to hold her right now. “I don’t know how long I can keep going like this Clarke.” Lexa gasped out as Clarke slipped into bed next to her and placed her arm around her. Clarke could feel her trembling against her, doing her best to keep herself from crying because Lexa wanted to scream right now.

 

“I got you,” Clarke told her, holding her tighter. “I got you baby,” She said to her, trying to calm her down. “You’re not alone, okay? I’m here, and I will be, no matter. And I will do everything I can to make carrying all of this weight easier.”

 

She was hurting right now, and it was a lot more than just the physical pain that came from the surgery and the shooting. Her heart was aching and all of Lexa just _hurt_. She had been through enough, every turn, every corner, life had to throw something her way, and she was growing tired of having to deal with it all. With college, it seemed like all of that was finally over, no more big hits, just small things like being away from home, long distance with Clarke, and stress from her classes. God was she wrong; Lexa didn’t know if could recover from this, it was all too much right now and she just wanted to hit the pause button to take a look around herself and take the time to make sense of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know. lexa around the end of this chapter is so me and i edited this last night and i didn't even remember writing a lot of the stuff lexa said. and i just went ???? why do i self project like this??? especially the part where lexa says she can't let her guard down for even a moment because she'd crash and burn. and how she's tired of fighting to just keep breathing. eh this chapter was hard to write especially with everything going on with me rn. but you know, that's how i get the best chapters. and well at least Lexa has someone like Clarke to help carry all that weight, it's not easy asking for help but still, she's not alone. and *sigh* i wish i had that. i could definitely use someone like that right about now.
> 
> and now i'm gonna shut up??? because???? why am i getting so personal in the end of chapter notes?????


	11. Was it the same again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard having to depend on someone for everything, especially when you're someone like Lexa who likes to be completely independent. And the fact that she can't do much on her own is effecting her quite a lot and that eventually ends up with her snapping at Clarke for just offering to do something for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have till like ch 12 drafted and planned and now i need to get back into it and start planning out the next few chapter. especially lexa's recovery process because i have bits and pieces but i need a timeline.

> _Day 6_

 

It was a long day for Lexa, she had finally gotten around to calling her mom to let her know she was doing alright – which was mostly a lie to be honest. Lexa settled on just a phone call rather than a video call because she didn’t want her mom to see her right now. She was still pale and weak, and it was very easy to pick up on both those things if you saw her. But Lexa didn’t want her mom to worry, she didn’t want anyone to worry about her right now, she was enough of a problem for everyone as she was. After that, it was a call to Anya who still wasn’t home yet because she had classes. It was a shorter call with her because Anya was better at picking up when Lexa wanted to be left alone.

 

“No, Anya, don’t worry about me.” Lexa said to the phone resting on the table in front of her, it was on speaker and Clarke had the table pulled up to Lexa. She hadn’t eaten much today either, but it was still better than yesterday; she still couldn’t get herself to sit up straight, any kind of stress on her upper body did nothing other than shoot pain through her surgery incisions and the bullet wound. “I’m fine.”

 

“Yeah, because you sure sound like it.” Anya replied sarcastically, “You know I can come over for break if you need me to, right?”

 

Lexa shook her head before realizing Anya couldn’t see her. “No, no, you don’t have to.” She told her, looking up at Clarke. “Clarke’s here, I’m not alone.” She felt Clarke take her hand, gently squeezing it. “Don’t worry.” Lexa repeated to Anya. She didn’t really know what she needed right now; but Lexa knew she didn’t want to bother anyone else. Clarke was here and that was more than enough, she didn’t want Anya to miss her break because of her.

 

“Take care of her Clarke.” Anya called out a little louder, knowing Clarke was right beside her sister.

 

“You know I will,” Clarke answered, leaning forward and kissing Lexa’s temple. “Bye Anya,” She added as Lexa brought her hand up to tap on the screen to hang up.

 

Lexa closed her eyes as she leaned back into the pillow, not wanting to admit how tired she was from just two phone calls. She needed a minute, talking to her mom and Anya just made her think about how many people she’d be hurting if she didn’t make it through this. Lexa’s not sure why this was one of the things she was most worried about right now; the number of people she would be hurting if anything happened to her shouldn’t matter as much as it did. Growing up, Lexa always felt like she was a burden on everyone around her; that’s what her birth parents made her feel like anyways, and that stuck with her, even now. Even when Indra and Gustus adopted her, Lexa felt like she was burdening them with pretty much everything; all the mess that she brought with her, all the time and energy they had to spend on her to make sure she was okay. All her life, that’s how she’s felt and in this moment, when she was the one who couldn’t so much as sit upright, that’s what Lexa was feeling, she felt like _she_ was the problem.

 

“Hey,” Clarke said quietly after about a minute, a little worried about Lexa because she still hadn’t opened her eyes. “Lexa, are you okay?”

 

Lexa only nodded slowly, not bothering to open her eyes. She felt sick and tired and in pain and nauseous and all she wanted to do was make it all stop. She was upright for too long, talking for too long, she had her eyes open for too long; all of this just seemed ridiculously insignificant to Lexa but it managed to make her feel weak. These were just small things, things that shouldn’t so much as make a difference but they were draining her out completely. Her body felt…sore right now, not so much in pain but just terribly sore. “I’m really tired.” She finally told Clarke, opening her eyes. “And it’s not even noon yet.” Her voice was barely audible, throat dry and taking more effort to get words out.

 

“You had a long morning.” Clarke told her gently, trying to validate what she was feeling as she took her hand. “And you didn’t eat anything since waking up.” She added. “So you just need to rest babe.”

 

“I haven’t been awake that long.” Lexa responded. “I don’t want to sleep again.” She shook her head slightly, “That’s all I’ve been doing the last few days.”

 

Clarke nodded, agreeing, “But that’s what you need right now,” She told her, “Sleep and rest is going to help with recovery, you know that.”

 

Lexa shook her head again, she did know that but she still didn’t want to sleep, not now, she has only been awake for about three hours. “I just want go home.” She told Clarke. “Back in DC, in my bed, with you.” She felt tears threatening to spill so Lexa closed her eyes, turning away from Clarke. Home felt like the only place that could make her feel a little better now; Anya would be back home tomorrow, her mom was there, and Clarke would insist on staying with her rather than going to Seattle. That’s what Lexa wanted right now, she wanted her sister and mom and her bed and Clarke because her whole world was falling apart and she needed them to ground her. “Anya’s going home tomorrow, my mom’s there…” Lexa trailed off, unsuccessful in stopping the tears from spilling. “I need them right now.”

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, standing up from her seat as she moved the table from in front of Lexa before sitting down next to her. “We can fly back after you get out.” She offered as she put her arm around her, Lexa moving to place her head on her shoulder. “And you know, your mom and Anya would be happy to come over instead if you can’t make it?”

 

Lexa shook her head immediately, “No, they don’t need to.” She didn’t want to bother them. “And I don’t think I can make a two hour flight. Not now.”

 

Clarke leaned back against the pillows pulling Lexa closer as they both settled into bed, “I’m here okay?” She told her, leaning her cheek against the top of Lexa’s head. “I know it’s not the same as having your family by your side but I’ll do everything I can.” Clarke kissed her hair, “At least you don’t have to be alone.”

 

“I love you.” Lexa muttered, closing her eyes as she relaxed against Clarke. “I don’t know what I would do without you right now.”

 

.

 

She did take a short nap, Lexa couldn’t really help it, she just drifted off after a little while. After waking up, she was in a slightly worse mood, agitated, irritable, a little snappy. Lexa didn’t like needing anyone or anything from anyone; and the way she was practically dependent on Clarke right now for everything was something Lexa was having a very hard time dealing with. She couldn’t eat on her own, get a glass of water, or even sit up straight without needing Clarke to help her up.

 

It was a little later on in the day now, around 8pm and Lexa was lying in bed, staring blankly in front of her. Clarke was sitting on the armchair at the corner of the room, giving her a little space; the nurse had brought in her dinner, which was still sitting on the table a few feet away from the bed. “Do you want me to get you your food?” Clarke finally asked, looking up from her phone.

 

“No, I’m not hungry.”

 

“You barely ate today Lex,” Clarke stood up, walking over to Lexa. “You really need to-”

 

“I don’t _need_ anything Clarke.” Lexa suddenly snapped, this was building up all day really, but it still surprised her. “I’m fine,” She added through gritted teeth. “I don’t need you to do anything for me,”

 

Clarke’s shoulders dropped as she let out a sigh, looking at Lexa with a sad expression. She wasn’t hurt by what she said, no, Clarke knew she was going through a lot and Lexa had been irritable all afternoon, so this was coming. So Clarke knew it wasn’t personal, she also knew how much Lexa didn’t like to rely on anyone for anything; but that was hard right now because she was still in the very early stages of recovering so she needed help with pretty much everything. “Okay,” Clarke muttered with a single nod, it was best to leave her alone right now, obviously the worst thing Clarke could do right now was get angry at her. “I’ll give you some space.” She touched her feet over the blanket, rubbing it gently as Lexa forced herself to look away. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning okay?” With that she turned around, walking up to the bathroom first and turning the light on and leaving a small crack in the door, knowing how Lexa didn’t want to be in complete darkness. “Do you want me to turn off the lights?” Lexa wasn’t looking at her, but she still nodded. “Okay,” Clarke did as Lexa asked, turning the lights out before walking to the door and opening it. “I love you.” She stepped out, not really expecting a reply as she closed the door softly behind her, reluctantly leaving for the night.

 

* * *

 

Lexa jolted awake later that night, her body throbbing with pain yet again as her eyes shot open. She tried to control her erratic breathing, - every breath hurting more than the last every time her chest expanded – as she looked around the room. It was dark save for the light coming into the room through the small crack of the bathroom door that Clarke had left open for her. Lexa bit down on her lip, pressing her head back into the pillow as she tried to hold back tears. She wasn’t even sure what was hurting the most right now, it was everything really; her stomach where the bullet went in, her back right behind the bullet wound, her ribs above the bullet wound which was badly bruised by now due to the force of the bullet.

 

She looked around for Clarke, realizing after a moment that she wasn’t here. It took her a moment to remember what had happened before she had fallen asleep; how she snapped at Clarke for no real reason, making her leave. God, she shouldn’t have done that; the nights were hard enough as they were, it would have helped to have Clarke by her side, but after what she did and the hospital’s visiting hours, she knew she’d have to spend this one alone. Nevertheless, she clenched her teeth, raising herself from the pillow slightly, doing her best to sit up enough to reach the nightstand for her phone. Unlocking her phone, Lexa read the time, 2:08am; she didn’t want to wake Clarke up…but god, she needed to hear her voice, the nightmare that woke her up now was probably the worst one so far. Lying back down again, she did her best to settle back into bed before calling her. It wasn’t long before Clarke answered, only three rings.

 

“Lexa, is everything okay?” Clarke said from the other side, no hint of sleep from her voice, she sounded more worried that anything else – well, she wasn’t really expecting a call this late at night.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I just-” A small grunt cut her off, “I just needed to hear your voice.”

 

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked, more than a little concerned right now, she should’ve been asleep now, not awake. Lexa only gave her a small ‘ _mm-hmm_ ’ “Are you sure? You don’t sound like it.”

 

Lexa took a moment to reply, “I’m sorry Clarke.” She apologized, “For earlier I-”

 

“Don’t.” Clarke stopped her. “It’s fine Lexa, you don’t have to apologize.” She told Lexa instead. “Are you alright?”

 

“I…” Lexa stopped again, tears stinging her eyes again – it was getting annoying how easily that happened now because no, she was _not_ alright. “I wish I was with you, at the apartment.” She finally replied, “Not here, alone.”

 

“You know I would give anything to be there with you right?” Clarke asked; she couldn’t really sleep, all she could do right now was think about Lexa, Clarke was worried about her and every part of her wanted to be next to her right now. She didn’t want to leave when she did, Lexa was in a pretty bad place but at the same time, she seemed like she needed space. When Lexa didn’t answer, Clarke spoke again, “Can’t sleep?”

 

“No,” She replied honestly.

 

“Hurting again or is it the nightmares?”

 

“Both.” Lexa paused for a moment, “I’m just tired and hurting and very sleepy,” She let out a sigh, stopping herself noticing the crack in her voice. “And I just want to be home right now.”

 

She sounded defeated and completely broken right now, Clarke’s probably _never_ heard her like this; yes she’s been there with her when things were bad, when nothing seemed right for Lexa, but now…this was different. “I’m coming over, give me ten minutes.” She told her, Clarke had already made up her mind about it, Lexa needed to not be alone right now.

 

“You can’t.” Lexa answered with a sigh.

 

“I don’t care what anyone says,” Clarke stated, getting out of bed already. “You can’t be alone right now.”

 

.

 

It took a little bit of convincing on Clarke’s part to let the doctor working right now to let her in to see Lexa. But once she managed to convince him that it would actually be _better_ for her to have someone with her tonight, he let her go in. Clarke explained to him how Lexa couldn’t sleep because of the nightmares and had called her because being alone was just making things harder than they already were.

 

“Hi, baby.” Clarke said quietly as she pushed the door to Lexa’s room open.

 

Lexa gave her a small tired smile, “How did you get in?” She asked her, her voice small but also relieved.

 

“Doesn’t matter.” She answered, walking up to her bed and sitting down next to her. “I’m here now.”

 

“Thank you,” Lexa closed her eyes slowly, her hand reaching out to take Clarke’s.

 

They remained silent for a moment, Lexa looking away as she held Clarke’s hand, and Clarke watching her carefully. “Now come on,” She said after a second, moving to lie down next to Lexa. “You need to sleep.”

 

Lexa gave her a small nod, waiting until Clarke was lying next to her before moving closer and resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke’s arm went up behind her immediately as Lexa breathed her in, trying to finally calm herself down, still reeling from her nightmare. They were all the same; taking her back to that moment, but they seemed to feel more real each time. This time it felt like she was there again, unable to get herself to wake up as she felt the bullet pierce through her skin and into her body yet again, the pain feeling too real and having her gasping for breath. And when she finally woke up, it didn’t help that every inch of her body was throbbing much like that night.

 

“Was it the same again?” Clarke asked quietly and Lexa only nodded. “You want to talk about it?” This time she shook her head, she wasn’t ready, not yet. “Okay,” She fell silent after that, wanting Lexa to be able to sleep. But it was no more than only a couple of minutes before Clarke could hear Lexa crying, she did her best to be quiet, not wanting Clarke to know because it made her feel even more weak than she knew she was right now. “Hey,” Clarke said quietly, but Lexa only shook her head against her, telling her she didn’t want to talk about it. “Baby it’s okay, you’re okay now.” She tried.

 

“I don’t feel okay,” Lexa said after a moment. “I feel anything but,” She told her, turning on her side slightly so she could hold Clarke. It hurt to move, it did, but once she settled on her side, it felt a little better being closer to Clarke.

 

“Shh,” Clarke tried to comfort her, tears stinging the back of her eyes as she pressed a small kiss to the top of Lexa’s head, listening to her muffled sobs…it was hard seeing her like this. It was always hard, every time Lexa was in a bad place and she was upset, feeling like the world was crumbling, Clarke was there to hold her up and every time, it was difficult to see the love of her life like this. “What can I do?” Clarke asked after a little while, wanting to know if there was anything she could do to help.

 

“Just stay here.” Lexa replied after she had calmed down enough to speak. “And don’t leave me.” She needed the comfort she felt from having Clarke by her side right now; she needed it more than anything else. “I’m sorry about before,” Lexa shook her head, apologizing again. “I need you right now.” The painkillers they were giving her were next to useless, they weren’t doing anything anymore and she was hurting beyond she thought was possible – and for some reason it was a lot worse than it had been all day. The nightmares and flashbacks were just making things worse; so being alone meant she had to deal with all of that on her own. And having Clarke here…at least she had a shoulder to cry on, allowing her to let go for a moment and try and feel safe again. Because she couldn’t, Lexa was on edge every moment; every time someone knocked on the door, or there was a sudden loud noise, it made her jump, it made her mind go back to that night.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke told her. “I’ll be right here, okay?” Lexa fell silent after that, calming down but not moving away from Clarke as she finally closed her eyes, trying to drift off to sleep because she was exhausted.

 

It didn’t take long for Lexa to fall asleep, maybe a couple of minutes but no more. Clarke almost felt a little angry, it seemed like life just kept throwing things at Lexa that she didn’t deserve. Her anger was irrational, Clarke knew that but…after everything she’s had to go through, ever since she was a little kid, why was _this_ necessary? Why did she have to be at the wrong place at the wrong time? Clarke just wanted to keep her safe right now, wanted Lexa to _feel_ safe. She wasn’t going to leave her all break, Clarke had decided on staying back in Chicago with her for the holidays because she knew Lexa wouldn’t be well enough to fly to DC. And Clarke would much rather be with Lexa than in Seattle for Christmas with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess the last couple of chapters have been kind of similar but that's because lexa's still in the hospital and she kinda faces the same-ish problems every day. but they still kinda deal with different stuff. the next one will be different because she's finally going home and yeah that just brings up more problems.


	12. Ready to go home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's finally out of the hospital and gets to go home. She's dealing with it all; trying to take things slow, trying to be okay with being "weak", making peace with her scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, i guess i'm finally doing getting to writing something different because she's finally home now. and i wrote a bit more about how lexa feels about her scars, got a bit more into that. and yeah, that's a part of this chapter, and the rest is well, her first day back home.

It had been a few days since Lexa had woken, a week to be exact and she was going home today. It had been a long last few days, Lexa was getting a little better in some aspects and slightly worse in others. Her mobility was a little better now, it didn’t hurt as much to stay up right or turn on her side while lying down, and her wounds weren’t hurting quite as much – they still hurt every now and then, pain shooting through her body randomly, but even more so when Lexa tried to move. She was awake more, talking more to Clarke, and also eating a bit more than the first couple of days. Clarke was relieved really, Lexa was making progress, very slow progress but it was still progress.

 

Her sleep had gotten worse though; Lexa’s pain medicines had been reduced quite a lot. That meant there wasn’t much to keep her under at night and her brain was much more aware now, even when she was asleep. The nightmares had gotten worse, more intense too and because of that, she was barely sleeping through the night and it was worse since Clarke couldn’t stay with her everyday. And that wasn’t the only things triggering Lexa; any sort of sudden noises set her off, even someone knocking on the door made her jump. Lexa had lost a lot of weight too; with her body recovering from everything paired with how little sleep she has been getting and the lack of food, it only made sense. Her cheekbones looked more prominent but not in a good way, and there were circles under her eyes; Clarke could see just how weak she was right now.

 

“Ready to go home?” Clarke asked with a smile as she stepped into Lexa’s room that morning. She had a small overnight bag with Lexa’s clothes in her hand as she walked up to the bed.

 

Lexa smiled back tiredly, she barely slept last night, well she mostly just kept herself up because she didn’t want to face the possible nightmares. “I can’t wait,” Lexa told Clarke as she set the bag down on the chair next to her.

 

“You know you’re going to have to stay in bed for the first week right?” Clarke asked as she unzipped it. According to her doctor, she should’ve stayed at the hospital for a few more days but Lexa was desperate to get out of here as soon as possible. So the only way he’d discharge her was if she agreed on bed rest for the first week back. Lexa agreed reluctantly, it seemed better to be in her own bed where she wouldn’t have to be alone and knew Clarke would be there next to her if she had a bad night. Dr. Jackson still wasn’t convinced she’d keep her word because from what he’d seen in the past few days, Lexa didn’t seem like the person who liked to take things easy or slow; but Clarke jumped in, reassuring him she’d make sure Lexa spent her time lying down and resting.

 

Lexa nodded in response as Clarke pulled out a set of clothes, a pair of sweat pants and a plaid button down because that would be easier to get into rather than a t-shirt. “Still better than this.” She told Clarke quietly, “I just really want to get out of here.” She really did, the first few days stuck with her and everyday Lexa spent in this room, she could only think about the bad and not much of anything else. It was mostly just holding her back because she was caught up in the past and all the consequences of the shooting since she had woken up. So Lexa was hoping being back home would help her at least start to try and move on from this and get better.

 

“Good to go?” Clarke asked as she helped Lexa sit up straight before undoing the hospital gown from behind.

 

Lexa nodded, “Yeah, I signed the release papers.” She answered, shrugging off the gown and bringing her arms in front of her body to try and cover the bullet wound and surgery incisions. The light blanket was pulled up to her waist, covering her legs; Lexa had no problem with Clarke seeing her naked, but she was still very insecure about the new abrasions on her skin. The bullet wound was still heavily covered and could stay that way for a while because otherwise the clothes she’s wearing would irritate it, and also because the skin was still raw and occasionally fluids would leak out. The surgery incisions were also covered, but with a thin gauze bandage and tape because they didn’t really need to be anymore; the stitches would dissolve within the next few days but anything rubbing against them now would agitate it. “I just need to let Dr. Jackson know before we leave because he’s bringing my meds.”

 

Clarke nodded in response as she brought the unbuttoned shirt to Lexa, “Here, give me your arm.” She did slowly and carefully, Clarke helping it into the sleeve before pulling it on and doing the same with the other arm. She knew how much Lexa hated this, how much she hated needing _this_ much help because she couldn’t even dress herself right now, “You good?” Clarke asked, trying to sound light and casual, receiving a nod from Lexa as she helped her into her pants. “Okay, come on,” She took her arm, the other hand on Lexa’s back as she helped her sit up completely straight and slowly swing her legs off the bed.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa called as Clarke slipped her shoes on and looked up at her. “Thank you.” She told her. “For everything.”

 

Clarke only gave her a smile, standing up to kiss her forehead, “You’re welcome.” She told her before taking a step towards the door, “I’m going to find someone to get Dr. Jackson, okay?”

 

Clarke came back about ten seconds later and Dr. Jackson joined them in a few minutes. He handed Lexa a white paper bag that was a little bigger than she was expecting for her medicines. He also went over the restrictions she had until she was cleared; no alcohol, no physical activities that would get her heart rate up, she shouldn’t stay upright for too long, and then there was the fact that she was on bed rest for the next seven days. Lexa nodded, she already knew all that; but she was just a little worried about the _physical activities_ part because she likes being active, going out for runs and going to the gym and she wanted to know she’d be able to do all of that again. “Anything you want to ask me before leaving?” Dr. Jackson finally asked.

 

“You said no physical activities,” Lexa started, “That won’t be a permanent thing, right?” She asked carefully, not sure whether she wanted an answer.

 

“It shouldn’t be,” He answered. “It’ll take time for you physical health to go back to how it was…” The doctor trailed off, pausing for a moment, “Maybe you won’t go back to exactly how you were but nothing will stop you from going back to the gym and doing all the other things you love to do.” From what he’s seen so far with Lexa and with all that he’s heard from her, he knows that this was something important to her. “You just need to give it time before you’re up for anything like that.” He told her, “But for now, you need to rest.”

 

Lexa nodded slowly, that wasn’t too bad; well it could’ve been a lot worse. “That’s not too bad.” She spoke quietly. “I was expecting a lot worse.” Clarke gently touched her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

 

“You’ll be fine.” He told her again, “Give it a few months, and we’ll start from there.”

 

She gave him another nod as someone opened the door, making her jump a little and Clarke having to squeeze her shoulder gently to calm her down again. It was just a nurse, walking in with a wheelchair to get Lexa to the car. “What is that?” She asked carefully with a raised eyebrow. But before anyone could answer, she cut in, “I don’t need it.” Lexa shook her head, a sick feeling in her stomach at the thought that she probably couldn’t even walk up to the car park on her own.

 

“Babe-” Clarke tried.

 

“No,” Lexa turned slightly, shrugging Clarke’s hand off her shoulder almost defensively. “I can walk.” She almost spat out, clenching her jaws as she looked away, feeling her cheeks heating up as an unexpected anger creeped up on her.

 

Clarke gently touched her back, “Lexa, you can’t.” She told her slowly. “It’s a long way down to the car.”

 

“I’m not getting in that thing,” Lexa shook her head, “You can’t make me.” She looked away, the finality in her voice very clear.

 

Clarke only let out a sigh, looking up at the doctor and the nurse, “Can you give us a minute?” She asked quietly.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dr. Jackson nodded. “She’s good to go, you can leave when you’re ready.”

 

With that, him and the nurse both left, the room going silent for a couple of long seconds. “No,” Lexa almost whispered, not looking up at Clarke. “Clarke I’m not going to-”

 

Clarke sat down next to her, her hand on the small of Lexa’s back. “Lexa the car park’s on the opposite side of the hospital, you can’t walk that far, not right now.”

 

“I know I’m weak right now, and fragile and…all those things.” Lexa started quietly, her lips quivering. “But Clarke,” She looked up at her, “Don’t make me do this.” It sounded like a plead, she felt bad enough about herself as it was, Lexa couldn’t make herself sit down on a damn wheelchair, needing someone to push her down the hallways to where her car was parked. She let her head fall on Clarke’s shoulder, fighting back the tears because it was becoming harder and harder to keep convincing herself that she wasn’t as weak as she was feeling.

 

“You’re not weak,” Clarke replied after a moment, her arm going around Lexa and holding her close. “With everything you’re going through, that’s the last thing you are.”

 

“I don’t feel like it,” Lexa replied, her throat feeling like it was closing up. “I can’t do anything for myself, I couldn’t even stand up until a couple of days ago.”

 

“You know it’s going to take time to regain your strength.” Clarke told her, kissing the top of her head. “You just need a little helping hand right now.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, clenching her jaws and closing her eyes. “I hate this.”

 

.

 

It was a quiet ride back to her apartment, Lexa didn’t have much to say because she was mostly just too tired to. She did ask Clarke about Lincoln, asking if he had left for Christmas break; which he had, a couple of days ago but he was going to be back before Clarke had to leave. Because much like Clarke, he didn’t want Lexa to have to spend any time alone. Given from the time they had spent together, the two of them had grown really close, and the only person more worried about Lexa than Clarke and her family was definitely Lincoln.

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked as she unlocked the apartment’s door, Lexa leaning against the wall next it.

 

Lexa only nodded, she wasn’t though, she didn’t feel okay right now; she was too tired and her body was under too much stress. Clarke pushed the door open a moment later, taking Lexa’s arm and helping her stand up straight before slowly walking her inside. The first thing Lexa noticed was the fact that there were flowers and get-well-soon cards pretty much everywhere. “Who sent these?” She asked, walking towards the living room.

 

“Well your mom and Anya for starters.” Clarke answered, gently lowering her onto the couch. “Your teachers care about you.” She added, moving cushions behind Lexa’s back. “And, this might come as a shock,” She said with a small smile, sitting down next to her as Lexa leaned back. “But you have friends. Quite a lot from what I can see.” Clarke looked ahead, at the bouquets of flowers and cards on the coffee table.

 

Lexa smiled slightly, resting her head on Clarke’s shoulders as she nodded. She was already tired, needing to lie down because the walk upstairs was more than her body was up for right now. But the last thing Lexa wanted to do right now was get into bed and be stuck there all day – well, stuck there for the entire week really. She could use a shower though, get the hospital stench off herself because Lexa still reeked of the strong disinfectants.

 

“I should get you into bed.” Clarke spoke after a little while, looking down at Lexa who hadn’t moved. “Unless you want to get something to eat first?”

 

Lexa brought her head up, shaking her head as she looked up at Clarke, “I could use a shower though,” She sat up straight, giving her half a shrug, “It’s been a while, I kind of smell.”

 

Clarke let out a small laugh, nodding, “How about a bath instead?” She asked, “You can’t stay upright too long and that should be relaxing.”

 

.

 

Lexa was standing in the bathroom alone, in front of the mirror looking down at the bandages on her stomach. She wanted to be alone right now, Clarke had helped her out of her shirt and sweatpants but Lexa didn’t want her to see what was under her dressings. Bringing up her hands, with shaky fingers, Lexa pulled at the edge of the tape on the bandage that was covering the long surgery incisions. She took a deep breath, gently pealing it off; Lexa looked up, she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to see what was under it. Finally taking in a deep breath, she prepared herself and gently pulled the bandage off.

 

It looked bad, it looked worse than the last time Lexa had seen it; the entry wound was healing, but just barely because so far, there were no fluids leaking out of it, just a little blood. The skin looked… _ugly_ , that was the only word that came to Lexa’s mind; the edges of the wound was rough and jagged, but the actual wound was the worst and Lexa didn’t have enough words to describe what it looked like right now – it was big, and ugly, and almost unbearable to look. The surgery incisions weren’t as bad but they were still pretty bad, and looking at them along with the bullet wound made her sick to the stomach. Lexa watched her body in the mirror, almost not recognizing it because of how messed up it looked; she could feel her insides turn at the sight in front of her, doing her best to make herself look away.

 

She’s not sure how long she stood there, but eventually there was a soft knock on the door before Clarke entered. “You okay there?” She asked Lexa as she stepped inside.

 

Lexa wasn’t, she really wasn’t; she wasn’t fully recovered yet, far from it really but at least she was back home now. She’s not sure how long she had been standing in the bathroom in front of the door but if Clarke had come in, it must’ve been a while. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Lexa gave her a shaky nod, suddenly wanting to cover her body and hide her wounds.

 

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked gently, stepping up behind Lexa, about to wrap her arms around her.

 

But she pulled away subtly, not really wanting Clarke to have to touch any of her scars. Instead she brought her arms up, hugging herself at the stomach to hide them. “Nothing.” Lexa muttered, shaking her head. “Nothing I’m fine.”

 

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked, stepping up next to her instead and placing her hand on the small of Lexa’s back. “Is it hurting again?”

 

“ _Again_?” Lexa repeated lightly, “I don’t think it stopped since the shooting.” She shook her head at that, letting out a small sigh, “It’s not that Clarke, it’s just…it’s going to leave a scar.” Lexa furrowed her brows slightly, gritting her teeth in an attempt to keep it together. “ _Scars_ , plural. It’s going to leave multiple scars…” She corrected herself, letting her arms fall to her side but still bringing one up and brushing it on the skin next to the bullet wound. “It still doesn’t feel real to me; I can’t wrap my head around it, not yet.” Lexa shook her head again. “Every time I look at it…it just…it almost doesn’t feel like my body anymore.” She closed her eyes, letting her head drop, looking away from the mirror and Clarke. “It makes me stomach turn Clarke, it’s just ugly and disgusting an-”

 

Clarke stopped her, shaking her head, “It’s not Lex.” She brought her hand up, placing it over Lexa’s which was grabbing the sink right now. “It’s still you, it’s still your body.” Clarke told her, leaning in a little closer and gently placing a soft kiss on she bare shoulder. “And you’re still beautiful.” She tried only to receive a scoff from Lexa as she turned slightly to face Clarke. “You are.” Clarke said again, taking the chance and stepping up closer and bringing her arms up around Lexa to pull her into a hug. To her surprise, Lexa didn’t pull away this time, only hugged back, resting against Clarke.

 

Lexa remained silent for a few long seconds, her eyes closed as she breathed Clarke in, relaxing against her just a little bit. “Everything feels wrong, Clarke.” She almost whispered, shaking her head against Clarke, “Everything.”

 

.

 

It was a little late now, they both had a little to eat and now they were on the couch, in front of the TV; neither of them really paying attention to what they were watching. Clarke was sitting on one side of the couch, a pillow on her lap and Lexa’s head resting on it with her lying down. Clarke had zoned out from the movie that was playing on the screen right now, mostly focused on Lexa as she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to relax her. She was blankly staring at the screen right now before looking down to check on Lexa only to realize she had fallen asleep. Yeah it was late, almost 11pm and Clarke knew they should’ve gone to bed but right now Clarke didn’t want to move; for the first time in over a week, Lexa looked peaceful. She had been agitated and restless practically every night, even the nights right after the shooting when she wasn’t awake she looked tired and in pain – far from peaceful. So right now, no part of Clarke wanted to move so much as a muscle that might wake Lexa up; yes she was also tired and wanted to go to bed as well but Lexa getting her rest was more important to Clarke right now.

 

_She needs to take her medicines though…_ Clarke realized before finally willing herself to wake her up. “Lexa?” Clarke spoke quietly, gently trying to wake her up. “Baby wake up, please.” She tried again, Lexa stirring slightly in response, “Let’s go to bed.” Lexa shifted again, turning to lie on her back before slowly opening her eyes to look up at Clarke questioningly. “I’m so sorry I had to wake you up.” She apologized immediately, feeling awful or having to wake her. “You need to take your meds babe,” Clarke told her as she helped Lexa sit up straight. “I know you’ve barely gotten any sleep the past couple of weeks Lexa, I’m so sorry.”

 

Lexa let out a long tired breath, nodding to Clarke as she let her help her off the couch and on her feet. It still hurt to walk, hell it still hurt to stand up and Lexa needed to put her weight on Clarke, letting her hold her up as they made their way to the bedroom. Lexa set out a small grunt as she finally sat down on the bed before bringing her legs up; god, everything hurt, every little movement hurt – standing up, walking to the bedroom, sitting back down, it all hurt. Clarke was about to step away once Lexa had sat down but Lexa grabbed her wrist, stopping her, “Wait, wait.”

 

Clarke gave her a questioning look, “I’m just getting your meds, it’ll only be a minute.”

 

“Just sit down for a second, please.” Lexa asked almost desperately; she had another flashback after drifting off to but she didn’t want to talk about it – it didn’t help, it just worried Clarke more – instead she just wanted Clarke’s arms around her for a little while.

 

Clarke did as she asked, sitting down next to her with a worried look. “What’s wrong?” She asked, placing her arm around Lexa’s shoulders.

 

Lexa sighed, resting her head against Clarke as she pressed herself closer to her and closed her eyes for a minute. “So much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yepppp so that's it for this week. this chapter was kinda a spur of the moment kinda thing, i hadn't really planned it out. looking forward to the next chapter tho, i enjoyed writing that one. anyways, thanks for reading and let me know what you thought. just a reminder, i thrive on comments.


	13. I'll get there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First night back home, it's not that pretty. But the next morning is definitely better. So there's a little mix of angst and soft clexa fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fluff is at the end of the chapter and that was nice to write, a little change from all the angst. but ayyy, there's still angst at the start coz it's her first night back hope.

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed out, almost squirming in her place as she felt the pain continue to surge through her body. She’s not really sure what time it was right now, but she knew it was very late; her and Clarke were in bed, Clarke asleep by her side and Lexa’s almost certain she too had fallen asleep at one point only to be woken up because of the pain – or the nightmares, probably both. This was her first night back home, and Lexa had expected this, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep that well; it was bad enough at the hospital as it was but she had been on very strong medication that helped put her to sleep and numb her mind enough so the nightmares weren’t quite as bad as tonight. Lexa was feeling alright when they had gotten to bed, so she didn’t bothered taking the pain killers; they would’ve helped her sleep, she knew that but she didn’t want to take them just because of that.

 

“Hmm,” Clarke only hummed in response, stirring in her sleep but not waking up.

 

Lexa felt bad about it, she felt bad about needing to wake up Clarke for this. She didn’t like to have to rely on anyone for anything, especially Clarke right now because it was probably past 2am and Clarke had done enough for her already while she was in the hospital last week, the least Lexa could do was let her sleep right now. “Clarke can you please wake up?” Yeah, that took a lot in her to ask that. Lexa wouldn’t be asking for help if she wasn’t desperate but right now, she couldn’t so much as move.

 

Clarke stirred again, slowly opening her eyes this time. “Lexa?” She blinked a few times, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I need my meds, the painkillers.” She forced the words out to Clarke, doing her best to push past the pain. “But umm…” Lexa swallowed uneasily. “I can’t move.”

 

“Yeah, I got it.” Clarke nodded instantly, not waiting a single moment as she turned the small light on on the nightstand before practically jumping off the bed to get Lexa’s medicine. She could hear it in Lexa’s voice, the pain she was in, it was taking a lot of effort for her to just speak right now. Clarke walked up to the dresser across the room, looking through the numerous bottles of pills before finding the one she was looking for. Picking it up, Clarke read the label once again as she returned to Lexa.

 

Lexa pushed herself off the bed slowly, leaning against the headboard before speaking quietly, “Thank you.”

 

Clarke gave her a soft smile, twisting the lid open as she sat down on the edge of the bed next to Lexa and poured out two small white pills. “Here,” She gave them to her before handing her the glass of water which was on the nightstand. “Do you need anything else?” Clarke asked as she placed a hand on Lexa’s leg over the comforter, watching Lexa swallow the pills.

 

This time Lexa shook her head slowly, unable to make herself speak as she closed her eyes for a second, impatiently waiting for the painkillers to kick in. “Everything hurts.” She finally spoke, her voice just above a whisper. “And I just don’t know what to do about it.”

 

Clarke only gave her a worried look, helping her back into bed. “Come on babe, lie down.” Helping her settle into bed, Clarke circled back to her side before lying down and moving close to Lexa. “Lexa,” Clarke started, noticing her uneven breathing for the first time. “If it’s really that bad, I can take you down to the hospital.” She offered carefully; technically Lexa wasn’t well enough to be home now, not really, that’s why she was on bed rest for a week. And her doctor had said the pains might get bad, and if it _was_ too bad, she should come in.

 

“No, no, it’s fine.” Lexa shook her head, “I just-” A groan cut her off, squeezing her eyes shut as another wave of pain shot through her. “I just need the meds to kick in, I’ll be fine in like…half an hour.”

 

“Okay,” Clarke nodded, agreeing reluctantly but not entirely convinced. She took Lexa’s hand in her’s, kissing her temple gently before settling next to her. Clarke was worried about her; yes, she’s seen her a lot worse the last few days, but at least Clarke knew if something went wrong, there’d be someone there to help fix that. “Let me know if you need anything. Please?”

 

“I will.”

 

Lexa didn’t sleep, not for a good part of the night. Clarke fell asleep a few minutes after and Lexa really didn’t want to bother her anymore; as much as she hated to admit is, Clarke _has_ been taking care of her the last few days and right now she deserved to be able to sleep. So she ended up spending most of the night tossing and turning in bed, just trying to find a comfortable position; but that wasn’t easy, at all, and Lexa spent the entire night in discomfort because once the medicine kicked in, she wasn’t hurting as much anymore. But she was still uncomfortable; the stitches itching and pulling a little, and just feeling unpleasant in general.

 

.

 

Clarke’s not sure what woke her up but the first thing she noticed once her eyes adjusted to the light in the room flooding in through the curtains, was that Lexa wasn’t next to her in bed. It was early in the morning now, the sun seemed to be up, Clarke realized as she slowly sat up straight before looking around the room for Lexa. It only took a moment; she was sitting in the armchair by the window, her legs pulled up and her arms wrapped around herself. Clarke slipped out of bed quietly before walking over to her. “Hey,” She muttered softly, placing a hand on her shoulder.

 

Clarke’s touch startled her, almost making her jump as she turned her head immediately to look at her. “God, you scared me.” She muttered quietly.

 

“Sorry,” Clarke apologized. “I thought you heard me.”

 

“No,” Lexa shook her head slightly, “But it’s fine, don’t worry.”

 

Clarke gave a small nod, still feeling bad about startling her like that. “How come you’re up so early?” She asked gently, lowering herself on to the floor to kneel down next to Lexa.

 

“I didn’t sleep.”

 

“At all?” Clarke asked worryingly.

 

“At all.” Lexa brought her hand up, rubbing her eyes. “The pills wore off a few hours ago, and they weren’t helping me sleep after a little while anyways.” She let out a small sigh, her head falling into her hands. “I don’t know what to do Clarke,” She told her, desperate almost. “I’m so tired.”

 

“Come back to bed.” Clarke responded, her hand on Lexa’s knee. “At least lie down.”

 

“Doesn’t help.” She sighed. “Nothing does.”

 

“Hey,” Clarke took her hands in her’s, noticing the crack in her voice. “Lexa, hey, look at me.” She tried to get her attention; she sounded tired, and exhausted, and upset, and just…all the things she has been all of last week – didn’t make it any easier to see though. “I know you’re tired and exhausted-”

 

“Frustrated, more than anything else right now.” Lexa cut her off.

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded, “But you need to lie down. Sitting up so long is just going to make you hurt more.”

 

Lexa finally nodded as she let out a sigh, not really sure why she did that because taking in so much air into her lungs only made her stitches stretch. “Fine.” Lexa took Clarke’s hands, letting her help pull her up to her feet before walking her back to the bed. “Do you want your meds again?”

 

She shook her head, she took the painkillers no more than four hours ago and she didn’t really want them now again, besides she wasn’t really hurting now – she just wanted to sleep. “Can you check the medicine cabinet and see if there’s anything for sleep?”

 

Clarke gave her a small nod, walking to the bathroom before shuffling through the cabinet looking for what Lexa asked. She returned a minute later, a white pill in the palm of her hand as she gave it to Lexa. “Last one,” She said as Lexa took it from her. “I don’t think this’ll help though.” Lexa gave Clarke a nod, hoping for the best as she swallowed the pills. “If you need something to help with sleep, maybe your doctor can give you something stronger.”

 

“I will ask the next time I see him.” Lexa agreed, she knew the ones she was taking right now were next to useless. “The pain killers kicked in a little after I took them,” Lexa told Clarke as Clarke circled back to her side of the bed and sat down. “But…I just couldn’t sleep.” She gave her a small shrug. “Everything just feels uncomfortable, and the stitches are itchy and annoying.”

 

Clarke nodded, helping Lexa lie down again, “Maybe try to sleep now?” She tried, it was one of the things she needed most right now; recovery was going to be a long and tiring road and sleep was going to play a very important role in it.

 

Lexa gave in, waiting until Clarke was in bed before moving closer to her. She closed her eyes, pressing herself against Clarke as she felt Clarke’s arm come up around her. It didn’t take long after that, maybe a few minutes before Lexa finally drifted off to sleep; she was too tired right now to stay awake any longer, she was still uncomfortable and feeling like she couldn’t sleep but at this point, Lexa’s not even sure when she drifted off. Clarke fell asleep too, it was too early now anyways and she didn’t want to leave the bed, it was warm and cozy next to Lexa while the weather outside was cold and wet and just miserable in general.

 

.

 

When Clarke finally woke up again, the first thing she noticed was that Lexa was still asleep – and she almost looked peaceful. She let out a small sleepy sigh, slowly slipping out of bed as she did her best to remain quiet as to not wake up Lexa. Clarke picked up her phone from the nightstand, looking at the time as it read 10:03am before unlocking it and finally walking away. Rubbing her eyes, Clarke made her way to the bathroom before quietly walking out of the room.

 

_Christmas_ morning, Clarke thought to herself with a small smile as she walked up to the window in the living room, it was snowing outside, lightly but snowing nonetheless. There wasn’t much food in the fridge, Clarke noticed when she went up there looking for breakfast; not really a surprise given how Clarke had spent most of her days the past week at the hospital with Lexa, there hadn’t really been time for grocery shopping. There was enough for scrambled eggs and pancakes, or just milk and cereal, but that was about it; they were either going to have to go out or order take-out for lunch and dinner.

 

She made herself some coffee, not really wanting to eat anything right away before making her way to the living room and pulling her phone out. Clarke called her mom, wanting it to be just a short call to say Merry Christmas; but that changed pretty soon when it turned into a video call with the entire family in Seattle. It lasted a good fifteen minutes before Clarke managed to hang up, telling them she needed to get going; she was planning on catching up with some work from school, she didn’t really get the chance to since getting here and Clarke had about a week’s worth of work to catch up with.

 

After that, it was a small breakfast and a quick shower before she was dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a _very festive_ Christmas sweater, sitting in bed next to a sleeping Lexa. She had her laptop open in front of her, and a few books, and within the next half an hour, the spot on the bed in front of her was covered in papers.

 

Clarke didn’t notice when Lexa woke up, but it was a good few hours later when she noticed her stir under the covers. Lexa had herself almost completely buried in it, just managing to peek her face out to look at Clarke. “Morning,” She muttered sleepily.

 

“More like afternoon,” Clarke gave her a small smile, noticing how Lexa’s voice sounded…lighter somehow. “How’d you sleep?” She asked, Lexa not making a move to pull herself out of her little burrito.

 

“Good,” Lexa nodded, “Better than all of last night.” She finally pulled the comforter off of her just enough for Clarke to see her face. “What time is it?”

 

“Almost 1pm.” Clarke answered, pushing the books and papers away into a pile before setting them on the floor. “Come here,”

 

Lexa nodded slightly, moving closer to Clarke as her head came to rest on Clarke’s lap before looking up at her. “Catching up on work?”

 

“Just looking over some things.” Clarke shrugged; well yes, she was catching up on work but she didn’t want Lexa to think being here was an inconvenience for her. “Feeling any better?”

 

“A little.” Lexa replied, her hand coming up to Clarke’s sweater which had Rudolf with a 3D nose on it. “Cute sweater.” She added, pinching the nose lightly, a little surprised when it lit up. “Very festive.” She voice was still quiet and sleepy, a little tired too but she sounded better than last night.

 

“I keep the best one for Christmas morning.” Clarke smiled down at her. “Well, the most ridiculous one anyways.”

 

“So when we’re spending Christmas together ten years from now, you’re still going to be wearing light-up sweaters?” The words left her mouth before she could think about it, only realizing it after. “Umm…” She shook her head, smiling awkwardly as she looked away. “Still half asleep,” Lexa tried to excuse herself, she didn’t want to take it back because she could _finally_ see the two of them spending their lives together – but maybe now wasn’t the time for that.

 

Clarke gave her a small confused look, smiling at her nonetheless. Happy if anything, at Lexa talking about the future because after a couple of their talks at the hospital, Clarke was worried she couldn’t really see one for herself. “Yeah, I think I will be.” Clarke answered, disregarding the last part of what Lexa just said. “Ten years from now, huh?” She brought her hand up, running her fingers through Lexa’s hair. “What does that look like? Good?”

 

“I think so, yes.” Lexa replied hesitantly, surprised by what she had said herself. She knew they were meant to be together, Lexa knew that but there was still that annoying nagging in the back of her mind that kept telling her she would eventually mess things up with Clarke, or something would go wrong with them. “I think I’ll make it that far.” She was mostly talking to herself now.

 

“I know you will.” Clarke responded her softly, her hand moving down to brush the tips of fingers against Lexa’s cheek. She was feeling better now, Clarke could tell, a lot better than the last few days. “You don’t know how great it is to hear you say that.” Clarke finally told her, shaking her head a little. “After the last few days…” She trailed off, unable to get herself to finish that sentence. “I’m just really happy to hear you say you can see yourself ten years from now.”

 

Lexa let out a small breath, moving closer to Clarke and pressing her face against her stomach. “We’ll get there, right?” She said against her, mostly trying to convince herself because although she was feeling better, she still felt what she was feeling after the shooting – not quiet as much, but it was still there, and she knew, if it did pass, it would take a while. “I’ll get there.” This time it was just a whisper, telling herself, not much talking to Clarke.

 

“You will.” Clarke nodded, leaning down and placing a kiss on the top of her head. “And I’ll be right here by your side, making sure you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me they're not cute and tell me clarke's not the greatest gf ever. anyways, thanks for reading, and let me know what you thought.


	14. You're my Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up from where the last chapter ends. We're on that day for a bit and then move on to the next. The next day is a little better for Lexa and she wakes up in a slightly better mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been a while since i last updated, i'm sorry. i've been working on these moodboards for clexa au's so they've kinda taken up a bit of my time. but uh yeah, there's a lot of hurt/comfort and angst. but there's also a little fluff in there.

As much as Lexa had been looking forward to finally coming home, being on bed rest definitely wasn’t great. She was nowhere near recovered, not enough to even be out of bed really; and Lexa was just miserable, and tired, and uncomfortable no matter what. She was in bed the entire day, not really sure how the time even passed by really; all the drugs she were on now was making her more tired than she thought she would be. Lexa passed in and out of sleep for the most part, disassociated, noticing Clarke either sitting on the bed next to her with her work or walking back into the bedroom from the living room. Clarke had a pretty slow day too, spending it just going over some notes and doing a bit of reading that she had missed.

 

It was getting dark now, the sun had set about half an hour ago and Clarke had just put away all her books and notebooks in the living room for the day before making her way to the bedroom. Lexa hadn’t eaten all day, and every time Clarke had asked if she wanted anything, the answer was no. Not only that, but she was irritable; she might have been okay after waking up but her mood slowly worsened, making her agitated and snappy and short-tempered. “Hey baby,” Clarke asked once she realized Lexa was awake. “Have you been awake long?” She asked, stepping closer to her; Clarke had been in the living room for about half an hour, no more really, and when she’d left, Lexa was asleep.

 

“I…” Lexa thought for a moment, “Have no idea.” She shrugged lightly, barely moving really. “My sleep is…all of the place.” Her words came out slowly, she sounded distracted almost.

 

Clarke nodded, sitting down by the foot of the bed, “Do you want something to eat?” Lexa only shook her head. “It’s been all day babe, you haven’t eaten anything.” She shook her head again, food was the last thing on her mind, her medicines from throughout the day were making her nauseous. “Maybe…some orange juice? Just something to give you some energy.”

 

“I’m good.” Lexa lied, sounding a little more aware now. She was tired and still in pain and Lexa knew she would throw up if she were to put anything into her body right now.

 

Clarke let out a sigh, she was worried about her, really worried; and she knew Lexa was a little irritable now so she didn’t want to push too much. Nonetheless, she asked again, “Do you want some water?”

 

“I’m _fine_ , Clarke.” She snapped, her voice suddenly more sure and curt. “I don’t need anything.”

 

Clarke gave Lexa a small sad look, it was a lot like the time she had snapped at her in the hospital; she knew it was nothing personal, she was just going through a lot right now. “Get some rest baby, I’ll be in the living room if you n-” She stopped herself, “ _Want_ anything.”

 

Lexa felt bad as she watched Clarke walk out, regretting having spoken to her like that yet again. She wanted to call out, to apologize, to ask her to just stay here with her, but…god, she was so tired, she was always tired. So Lexa let out a small sigh, letting it go for now because she really didn’t have the strength in her to call out, or even speak really. Doing her best to relax again, Lexa closed her eyes, scolding herself as she felt herself drifting off yet again. She wasn’t sure how long she’d be feeling this way, how long the drugs she was on would make her so weak and touchy.

 

Clarke walked out of the room, feeling a little upset about Lexa as she made her way to the couch in the living room. She wasn’t angry, no, much like the last time this happened, Clarke wasn’t angry at. She was still upset, more worried about Lexa than anything else, because she was feeling better when she had woken up. Their morning together was good, she even got a few smiles out of Lexa; but after a small and restless nap, she had woken up irritable and agitated. And since then, Lexa’s been like this; Clarke understood, of course she did, she just wanted her to feel better, but Lexa needed space every now and then, and Clarke was still working on herself to give her that.

 

.

 

Lexa’s not really sure how long she was asleep, but when she woke up, the first thing to come on her mind was _Clarke_. She sat up too quickly, her body not agreeing with the movement and responding to her with a sharp pain shooting through her stomach. Lexa looked around frantically, searching for her; she didn’t know how her mind was working right now, for some reason all of reality seemed to blur out because all Lexa had on her mind right now was Clarke and what she had done. It was worse today than the other time she had snapped at her; that was just for a moment, but today…she’d been awful to Clarke all day. _Did she leave?_ Clarke wouldn’t, but Lexa wouldn’t blame her if she did; this is not what she wanted to be like with her.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa called out, doing her best to speak loud enough for her voice to carry across to the living room. She was still frantic and panicking; unable to calm down even when she finally heard footsteps approaching.

 

“Hey,” Clarke breathed out gently, stepping into the room and walking up to Lexa. “Are you okay?” She asked, noticing her frantic state as she kneeled down on the floor next to the bed.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Lexa shook her head, a little breathless. “I shouldn’t have-”

 

“Hey, hey,” Clarke brought herself up slightly, her hands going on Lexa’s arms and rubbing it gently to try and calm her down as Lexa continued trying to speak, words sounding more like gibberish. “It’s okay, calm down, it’s alright.” Clarke scanned her eyes over her, watching as Lexa took in fast, anxious breaths. “Baby it’s okay,” She brought herself up, sitting down in front of her. “Shh,” Clarke tried, a hand coming up to Lexa’s face, pushing the sweaty strand of hair away before gently caressing her cheek. “Lexa breathe,” She was a bit more worried now, unsure if Lexa had completely woken up or if she was still trapped in some nightmare she had been having. “Everything’s okay.”

 

It took a couple of minutes, Lexa finally calming down enough to speak again. “I’m sorry.” She apologized again, Clarke shaking her head in response, wanting to tell her that it was okay. “It’s not okay.” Lexa added. “I snapped at you two too many times, that’s not okay.”

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke told her again, “Please, don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.”

 

“It is.” Lexa leaned back into the headboard, shaking her head, calming down slightly. “You’ve been here ever since I got shot and you’ve been taking care of me instead of going home for break.” She told her. “I shouldn’t be the one snapping right now.” Her eyes were watery, taking this worse than Clarke had thought she would. “I’m sorry Clarke.”

 

Clarke only shook her head, taking Lexa’s hand and rubbing her thumb over the back to it. “It’s fine baby, trust me.” But Lexa seemed… _distraught_ over it. “Hey, I’m not hurt, I’m fine.” She tried telling her again before pausing for a moment, not getting a response from Lexa. “Why are you taking this so hard?” Clarke asked carefully.

 

Lexa looked away, chewing on her bottom lip. “My parents used to be like that.” She finally spoke, that’s all she could think about since waking up. “They would raise their voices, and get angry and just snap at me for no reason.” Her voice was calm now, quieter too. “And then it would turn into a lot worse.” She shook her head, not wanting to think about it. “I don’t want to turn into that.” This time her voice was no more than a whisper, looking up at Clarke this time.

 

Clarke sighed, “You’re nothing like them.” She told her – as far as she knew anyways, Lexa didn’t talk much about what her biological parents were like. “This was just a small thing, and I understand why; you’re tired and stressed from everything that’s happening.” She spoke to her gently, her hand going on Lexa’s leg, squeezing it comfortingly.

 

She was always wary of this; always careful to keep her temper down, to never raise her voice – even when she was having a bad time in high school, it was just that one time where she’d lost it. Lexa felt that if she ever so much as showed signs of things that remotely resembled her parents, she’d be on a downward spiral to becoming what they were. “I don’t want to turn into that.” She repeated herself.

 

“You won’t.” Clarke shook her head; from what she knew about Lexa until now, that’s the furthest thing she _could_ grow into really. She was kind hearted, and soft, and understanding, and just…a good person. “That’s not who you are.”

 

“You don’t know that.” Lexa replied instantly.

 

“I do.” Clarke gave her a soft smile, “You’re my Lexa, you would never do anything to hurt anyone.”

 

“But what if I do?” Lexa asked quietly, not entirely sure why she was even thinking about this. She remained silent for a second, clenching her jaws for a second before speaking, “What if I hurt you?” Lexa didn’t even want to think about that, she couldn’t ever think about doing anything that would hurt Clarke.

 

“You won’t.” Clarke told her, watching her carefully, unsure what brought this on. “I know you, you’d never.”

 

* * *

 

Lexa was feeling a little better waking up the next morning, she’s not really sure if she even slept all night because of…well, everything. But she must’ve because otherwise she wouldn’t be waking up. Her feeling better might’ve had something to do with the fact that she was woken up by the smell of pancakes coming into the bedroom from the kitchen. Slowly opening her eyes, Lexa stirred lightly, doing her best to not stretch her stitches as she let out a small breath. Looking around the room, Lexa noticed it was empty, and given the smell of pancakes, it was safe to assume Clarke was in the kitchen right now. Clarke was probably going to bring it to bed, maybe she was even planning on waking up Lexa with breakfast. But she wanted to get up, stretch her legs a little; she wasn’t meant to, no but just up to the kitchen wouldn’t do any harm – _much anyways, right?_

 

She didn’t give herself much time to think about that before moving slowly, doing her best to gently push herself off the bed. Lexa knew by now how sudden movements felt, and she knew it was only smart to take it slow and easy. So that’s what she did; she moved slowly, not stretching her stitches before very slowly sitting up. Once she was upright, Lexa took a moment, sitting there with her eyes closed and taking in a breath, pleased about not having hurt herself – well, it was still hurting, same as all night, dull and constant and uncomfortable, but there was no sharp pain in her stomach from just having sat up – a good sign. A moment passed before she pulled the comforter off of herself, about to swing her legs off the bed before stopping herself. Instead it was slower, one leg at a time, and deep breaths because _I need to be careful_.

 

“Good morning,” Lexa muttered, dragging her legs across the floor to the kitchen.

 

Clarke looked up at the sudden sound, looking up from the pan in front of her, her back facing Lexa. She turned around, smiling as she saw Lexa, a little surprised to see her up and walking. “Hey, why are you out of bed?” Clarke asked with a small smile, noticing the small, soft steps Lexa was taking as she walked up to her.

 

“I could smell pancakes.” Lexa answered, walking into the kitchen and holding onto the breakfast bar for a little support. “And I had to see where it was coming from.”

 

Clarke flipped the pancake before stepping up to her. “I was gonna wake you up with breakfast in bed.” She smiled, kissing her softly as she felt Lexa’s lips curl into a smile against her’s. “You shouldn’t be up.”

 

“I wanted to stretch my legs,” Lexa shrugged.

 

Clarke gave her a disapproving look, shaking her head slightly as she stepped away to the stove, removing the pancake and placing it on the plate. “Wanna go back to bed?” She asked, picking up the two plates.

 

“Can we just stay here?” Lexa asked hopefully, she had spent way too much time in that room in the last two days.

 

Clarke watched her for a moment, unsure of whether to agree to it or not because Lexa really shouldn’t be up. “Compromise.” She decided, “How about the couch?” Lexa nodded almost instantly, “Go on, I’ll be right there.” Clarke smiled at her, Lexa agreeing as she started to take a step away and towards the living room. “Maple syrup and butter?” Clarke asked, stepping away in the opposite direction to get the bottle.

 

Lexa was back in bed about an hour later, not really wanting to but she knew she had to. Anya had texted her a little while ago when they were having breakfast, asking Lexa to call her if she was up for it later today. So that’s what she did, once her and Clarke were back in bed, Lexa finally called her sister. Anya didn’t ask her much about how she was feeling or doing right now, because she knew Lexa wouldn’t want to talk about that right now; she’s had enough time on her own to think about the shooting and she didn’t really want to talk about it now. They talked for a little while, Clarke joining in as well on the video call. Anya was still worried about Lexa, she had every reason to be; she looked a little better now though, but still not by much. And a couple of minutes before hanging up, she couldn’t help but bring it up.

 

“Lexa…” Anya started hesitantly, “Are you doing okay?” She finally asked, knowing very well Lexa might just hang up for that.

 

“I’m fine,” She shrugged, rolling her eyes a little. “Really, I’m doing better.” She’s glad Anya didn’t call yesterday; she was feeling a lot better today, lighter somehow.

 

“Are you sure?” Anya asked worriedly, “There’s still a few days left of break and I can come up there if y-”

 

“Anya I’m fine.” Lexa sighed, “You don’t need to worry.”

 

“Aren’t you on bed rest for a week?” Anya asked. “And you just came back home day before yesterday.”

 

Lexa nodded, bringing her hand up to rub her eyes. “But I’m okay.” She repeated. “You can relax, honestly.”

 

Anya sighed, shaking her head slightly, “I worry about you, okay?” She admitted, “You’re my little sister and I can’t help it.”

 

A little after hanging up, the two of them stayed in bed, Clarke having gotten a couple of boxes of board games from the living room to keep themselves entertained. To her surprise, Lexa and Lincoln seemed to have a lot of them so there was a lot to choose from. Right now they were playing Scrabble, Clarke losing pretty badly to Lexa. So all in all, so far it had been a pretty good day; although Lexa was still tired, it was a lot better than yesterday. She wasn’t as detached as before, paying more attention to her surroundings and just…more aware than she had been since the shooting really.

 

.

 

But that all changed a couple of hours after they’d had lunch; Lexa wasn’t really sure what happened but one moment she felt fine, and the next she could feel her stomach turning, the contents of it threatening to come out. She was out of the bed instantly, not really paying attention to the screaming pain in her abdomen as she practically ran to the bathroom. Lexa felt sick, and it was unexpected to say the least, because she was feeling fine all day and she knew this was going to pretty much ruin that.

 

Clarke was right behind her, taking a moment to realize what was happening before she got up and followed Lexa, rushing to the bathroom. She was hunched over the toilet, practically throwing up her insides. Clarke knelt down behind her, pulling her hair back as she rubbed her back slowly. She watched Lexa with a concerned look, god she was so worried about her; more so because of how unexpected this was, Lexa seemed fine all day – she was even feeling well enough to get out of bed in the morning.

 

By the time she was done, Lexa was on the verge of collapsing, unsure how she was even sitting up; finally bringing her head up, she let out a long shaky breath. She felt awful right now, drained out of every ounce of energy she had, feeling like she was on the verge of passing out. She could barely stay upright now, Lexa realized just how tired she was as she sat back on the cold tiled floor. “I can’t get up,” She finally spoke, her voice quiet and breathless and just barely audible.

 

Clarke ran her hand through Lexa’s hair, placing her arm around her shoulder, before starting to help her up. “Come on Lex,” She told her, her other hand going to Lexa’s arm and gently pulling her up to her feet. “You’re okay,” Clarke tried, letting Lexa put all her weight on her before taking small steps back towards the room.

 

She could _just_ keep herself up, walking though, was a lot worse; Lexa leaned against Clarke, she was in pain again, hurting, and tired, and just completely drained out. Lexa didn’t even know why, a few minutes ago, she felt alright but now there was no energy left in her, she felt like a hollowed out shell. “Clarke…” Lexa breathed out, not even sure what she was asking for right now.

 

“Shh,” Clarke tried to comfort her, finally stepping up to the bed before setting her down. “Just relax, okay?” She helped pull her legs up before placing a couple of pillows against the headboard behind Lexa’s back. “I’ll be right back,” Clarke told her, stepping away once Lexa was settled into bed, walking away towards the bathroom again.

 

She grabbed a small towel from next to the sink before running it under some cold water. Clarke turned her head, she could see Lexa from where she was standing; she had her eyes closed, still catching her breath. Walking back out with the wet towel, Clarke returned to Lexa’s side and sat down on the bed. “Hey,” She touched her leg, waiting for Lexa to open her eyes, “Let’s get you cleaned up,” Clarke told her gently with a soft smile. Lexa didn’t even open her eyes, only nodded, feeling as Clarke brought the towel up to her face. The cold water felt nice against her skin, as she felt it move to her neck as Clarke wiped it. “Lexa,” She called her again after about a minute, this time Lexa opened her eyes. “Let’s get you a new t-shirt.” Lexa nodded, pushing herself off the bed as much as she could before Clarke leaned forward, pulling the shirt off over her head. She dropped the discarded clothing on the floor before bringing up the towel again and wiping her shoulders, watching Lexa relax slightly.

 

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked as she helped Lexa into a clean t-shirt.

 

Lexa shook her head _no_ , “I feel like the devil personally sucked out all of my energy.” Lexa sighed, her voice tired and exhausted.

 

“Come on,” Clarke did her best to give her a smile, it was hard when right now given how Lexa was. “Lie down.” She told her, helping Lexa back into bed.

 

Lexa closed her eyes for a moment, taking a long slow breath as she settled against the pillow. “I’m so sorry Clarke.” She finally spoke, her voice raspy and broken, looking at her. “I’m such a fucking mess right now.” Lexa closed her eyes again, she could feel the tears threatening to fall. She was tired and weak and just a mess in general and Clarke shouldn’t have to deal with that.

 

“You’re not a mess.” Clarke shook her head, sitting down next to Lexa on the edge of the bed and receiving a small scoff from her in response. “You’re not, okay?” She tried again, waiting for Lexa to open her eyes before continuing, “You’re just going through a lot right now.” Lexa didn’t respond, only looked away, a blank expression on her face. “How are you feeling?” Clarke asked after a moment.

 

Lexa bit down on her lip, trying to fight the tears that were threatening to fall right now, because she didn’t know what she was feeling. She wasn’t okay, that was for sure, she was the furthest thing from it right now really. “Awful.” She finally replied, realizing how her voice cracked. “I feel awful.” Lexa shook her head slowly, unable to stop the tears this time. “I feel hollow and empty and…” A soft sob escaped her, stopping her and Lexa just looked away from Clarke again.

 

“Lexa hey,” Clarke placed a hand on her leg, trying to comfort her. “Hey, it’s okay.” She told her gently, taking her hand but Lexa only shook her head. “What can I do?” Clarke asked after a moment, wanting to know if there was anything she could do to help her.

 

“Nothing.” Lexa managed to reply, turning to her side and away from Clarke. Clarke let out a small worried sigh before moving over to the other side of the bed and lying down next to Lexa. “Just stay here with me.” She added as Clarke settled next to her, and Lexa moved slightly, doing her best to be as close to Clarke as possible. “Until I feel better.”

 

Clarke gave her a nod, bringing Lexa closer as she placed her arm behind her shoulders to hold her close. “I got you,” She told her quietly, Lexa pressing her face against Clarke in an attempt to muffle her sobs. “I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay cool. well not really, not for lexa. but she's getting there. she'll get there. she'll get better......or will she?


	15. The stars are beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little different from the last few chapters I think. The chapter's just one evening with the two of them after a long day. Lexa opens up a bit to Clarke, finally admits to herself that she isn't okay and talks a bit about how she feels about going back to her life once classes start up again. The outside world feels a little daunting right now when every loud noise or sudden movement puts her on edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess the last couple of chapters have been kinda similar. but this one isn't. Lexa's in a better place, not a wreck. she opens up to clarke. she finally feels ready to. and lexa's not too thrilled about going back to what her life was before all of this. everything around her just feels too much for her.

It had been a long day for her, Lexa had an appointment with her doctor in the afternoon and that lasted longer than she would’ve liked it to. It was harder than she thought it would be to be out of the house now; everything was too loud, or too bright, or too sudden. It all made her jump; a car honking, their car having to break suddenly, anything that was remotely startling was making her jump. Lexa did her best to hide it from Clarke, well she tried, but it was hard to do when she less than five feet away from her. She didn’t like feeling like this, feeling vulnerable and scared, on the edge constantly; it made her feel weak.

 

It had been about four days since she had left the hospital and this was just a follow-up appointment with Dr. Jackson. He asked her a few questions about how she was doing – mostly just physically – and then took a look at the healing wounds to make sure everything was alright. He was satisfied with what he saw but Lexa wasn’t too keen on anyone touching her as it was, and the new abrasions just made it worse. Lexa even woke up this morning in a bad mood, well worse than the last couple of days. She woke up tired and sore again and just not wanting to get out bed – well technically Lexa wasn’t even _meant_ to get out of bed. But today was the one day she had to because her and Clarke had to leave the apartment by noon to make her appointment with Dr. Jackson.

 

They were back home now though, they had been for a good few hours, the two of them on the couch with Lexa lying in Clarke’s arms. She was tired and miserable and just not up to doing anything right now. Lexa had lost track of time, she had no idea how long they had been here really; being in Clarke’s arms made her feel a little better – it was just a really long day and she was exhausted from it all.

 

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked gently, looking down at Lexa who had her head on Clarke’s chest. She hadn’t spoken for a while, she hadn’t even moved really. Lexa only nodded in response, not having anything to say. “You sure?” Clarke tried again, she’s probably said like five sentences all day.

 

“Just tired.” Lexa breathed out. “Long day.”

 

“Do you wanna get something to eat and then just go to bed?” Clarke asked her, it was probably best to just get her into bed right now. Lexa didn’t reply again, only shook her head this time. “Babe you need to eat something before going to sleep.” She’s been bad about this all day, she’d barely eaten breakfast, and they weren’t home for lunch; it was bad enough for Lexa as it was being out now, Clarke couldn’t imagine asking her to _eat_ something.

 

“Missing one meal won’t kill me, Clarke.” The words came out more bitterly than Lexa had intended, mentally shaking her head at herself and telling herself it was uncalled for. She was trying, she was really trying to be nice and like herself with Clarke but it was hard right now because everything just felt wrong and she was constantly agitated and irritable. “Sorry,” She muttered quietly after a moment, not moving.

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, “It’s okay,” She told her. “Do you just wanna go to bed?” She was expecting Lexa to nod but instead she shook her head. “What do you wanna do?” Clarke asked instead.

 

“I need to get some air,” Lexa replied, taking in a deep breath. “I feel suffocated, like I can’t breathe.”

 

She didn’t want to leave the building, she didn’t want to be anywhere outside _her space_ so it took Clarke a couple of minutes to figure out what to do. Lexa was home for days now and being outside today really wasn’t good on her, but Clarke understood why she needed to get some air. Finally Clarke realized they could go up to the apartment’s rooftop; it was open to the people living there and as far as they knew, it’d be empty right now. Late December, after dark, yeah no one was really likely to be there right now. Helping Lexa off the couch, Clarke made sure she’d be warm enough before leaving the apartment. A soft, fluffy sweater and a jacket should be enough, Clarke nodded to herself as she helped Lexa into the jacket and picked up a blanket before closing the door behind themselves and making their way to the elevator.

 

“The stars are beautiful.” Lexa muttered to Clarke as she looked up at the sky. It was rare that the stars were so much as visible given the bright city lights but they seemed to shining enough to be noticed.

 

They were sitting on an old bench that had somehow made it’s way up to the apartment building’s rooftop with the blanket draped around their shoulders. Clarke smiled at Lexa, watching the brunette looking up at the sky with that look of awe in her eyes; she smiled to herself, thinking back to that time in Lexa’s backyard when they were stargazing together for the first time. “They are.” She agreed as she thought about what she wanted to say. “Know what else is beautiful?” Lexa turned her head back to Clarke, only giving her a questioning look, “You.”

 

Clarke waited a moment, waiting for the smile to break out on Lexa’s face before smiling back. Lexa bit down on her lower lip, shaking her head slightly, recognizing that line from a few years ago; only she was the one who had said it to Clarke. She leaned her head on Clarke’s shoulder, “You always know how to make me smile.” Lexa told her quietly; even today, after that long exhausting day, after how miserable she was…Clarke still had something to say that would make her smile.

 

Clarke placed a kiss on the top of her head. “You doing okay?” She asked, knowing the answer very well. Lexa only nodded, not saying anything. “You seemed a little…shaken when we were out.”

 

Lexa wanted to brush it off; she wanted to say she was alright and that it was all just nothing. But Clarke was right, she was shaken up, everything around her was just too intense for her. “Yeah it was…nothing.” She shook her head. “Not really.”

 

“So it was _something_.”

 

Lexa sighed reluctantly, nodding; she felt a bit more at ease now, a little relaxed after the really long day. “I don’t know, I’m just a little anxious I guess.” She replied hesitantly. “Everything’s too loud, too bright, too sudden.” Lexa let out a long slow sigh, bringing her hand up and rubbing her tired eyes. “Everything feels too much.”

 

Clarke ran her hand up and down Lexa’s arm, trying to relax her, not really knowing how to help. “Is it any better now?” She asked slowly.

 

Lexa nodded, “It’s quieter.” She explained. “There’s no one around, just us.” Lexa added. “My mind’s not racing.”

 

“That’s good.” Clarke responded, her voice small and gentle.

 

They remained silent for a little while, a couple of minutes at least before Lexa spoke again, “I don’t know how I’m going to go back to school next week.” She told her. “I can’t step outside of the house without being on edge, I can’t imagine having to be in class.”

 

They hadn’t talked about this, or anything about how Lexa felt about going back to her daily life after this week. Clarke was leaving in a few days, Christmas break was almost over and classes were about to start up again. Lexa wasn’t in a good enough place to get back to it really, Clarke could tell, and she knew Lexa felt the same way although she wouldn’t say it. Clarke was worried about it, she really was; Lexa needed more time, more time to herself, more time to heal, more time to just deal with all of this before needing to go back into the world. “Why don’t you take another week off or something?” Clarke suggested. “Just to give yourself a bit more time.”

 

“And do what?” Lexa shrugged, “Just sit at home and wallow in…sadness?” She had other words in mind, _flashbacks, triggers, nightmares_ …but Lexa didn’t want to say it out loud. “I think it’ll be better to get back out there.”

 

“Baby steps, Lexa.” Clarke said instead. “You need to get back to it slowly…if today was anything to go by, you need more time.” She was almost certain Lexa was going to pull away after hearing that, get up and want to leave because she hated being told how _weak_ she was and how she needed more time to heal and get better.

 

So she was surprised when Lexa only sighed and nodded. “I know.” She admitted reluctantly; she _was_ weak, and she _did_ need more time to heal and get better before she was ready to get back to her life like before. “But I don’t know what to do Clarke.” She was finally opening up, Lexa finally felt like she could. Thinking about it was hard let alone talking about it, but suddenly she felt a little better, maybe the night sky or the cool air had something to do with; whatever it was though, Lexa was glad. “I’m just…” Lexa paused, unsure how to say it…okay, she _did_ know how to say it, she just didn’t want to. “…so worried about not wanting to seem weak,” She finally told her, almost needing to force the words out. “And I’m just obsessed with trying to be okay, with trying to _prove_ I’m okay.” Lexa paused again, letting out a long slow breath before continuing again. “But you know what?” She brought her head up to look at Clarke who only gave her a questioning look. “I’m not.” Lexa told her matter-of-factly, finally admitting it to herself, not just to Clarke. “And it’s about time I stop pretending I am…”

 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile, just a small gentle one because she was proud of Lexa having it in her to open up like this right now, “And that’s fine.” She told her. “You’ll be okay, slow and steady right?”

 

Lexa nodded against her, “But I will be.” She wanted to sound sure, she wanted to tell Clarke that she was absolutely sure she would get better, be okay again – whatever okay meant for her. “Right?” But the question escaped before she could tell herself to stop.

 

Clarke nodded instantly, “Of course you will.” She told her. “You just need to cut yourself some slack.” Clarke added. “Sometimes it’s okay to _not_ be okay.” She told her. “Give yourself some time, take things easy…and just do what you need to babe. You might need some more time, a little space, it’s all okay.” Clarke leaned her cheek against the top of Lexa’s head. “And you have nothing to prove, Lexa. Not to me, not to yourself. You’re not weak, it might feel like it now but you’re not. If you need to take more time off, then do it.” Clarke said to her. “If you think it’ll help to take a bit more time off from school, then you should. Maybe go home for a week and see your mom, or come to New York…or just stay here.” She suggested. “Slowly get back on your feet, slowly spending more time outside, around people instead of just throwing yourself out there all at once.”

 

Lexa remained still for a moment, thinking about what Clarke was saying before responding. She nodded slowly, Clarke was probably right, you’d want to ease into things rather than just going straight on. Lexa saw what it was like today, she was always on edge every second and everything felt like too much for her. “You might be right.” She agreed, yeah she was definitely surprising Clarke today. “I get off bed rest literally a day before classes start up again.” She let out a small sigh. “I don’t think I’ll be up for it right away.” And she didn’t really want to go back anyways, Lexa just felt too tired for everything, and the thought of classes and assignments and homework felt impossible to her right now. “I don’t really know what I want to do right now.” She shook her head slowly. “Not at all.”

 

“Then you’ll figure it out.” Clarke replied, not a hint of hesitance in her voice. “You have time.”

 

“Not really.” Lexa replied. “A few more days.” She let out a sigh; then Clarke would be gone, and she’d be alone, having to deal with all of this _shit_ on her own. “And then things go back to normal.” Lexa said instead. “You go back to New York, Lincoln comes back, classes start up. It’s like nothing ever happened.” She didn’t like thinking about it, she didn’t like thinking about the shooting or how she felt in that moment. She knew she would eventually have to deal with but…not yet. Instead Lexa shifted closer to Clarke, pressing herself closer to her. “I’m going to miss you.”

 

“I’m here for another three days.” Clarke told her with a small smile.

 

“I know.” But she didn’t want her to leave, not just yet, three days wasn’t that long. Lexa needed to not be alone for a little longer, there was a nagging at the back of her mind that made her feel weak for wanting Clarke to stay, for _needing_ her. But she did her best to tune it out, it didn’t make her weak, wanting someone to lean on after what had happened to her was perfectly reasonable. “I just like having you here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if anyone picked up on that little scene or the chapter title, but it's a little callback to part 1 where they're stargazing and clarke says "the stars are beautiful" anyways. thanks for reading. thanks for sticking around for so long. leave me a comment and let me know what you thought.


	16. I'm the one who's lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's last night in Chicago. Her and Lexa talk about how Lexa deals with things - as in by closing up and pushing her problems down. And why that's not really healthy. But Clarke is patient and understanding with Lexa with so she understands. And Lexa's trying to change that, she's trying to deal with her problem by opening up a bit more. This chapter kind of just says victims of trauma aren't at fault for what happened to them, but they might feel like it is and that sometimes, not being 100% okay is fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk i think this is something i need to learn myself. that there isn't really anything wrong with me for....being a bit like lexa where i feel like i'm a handful just for being....me. it's a process, for both me and lexa. so writing chapters like this actually feels pretty good. and it feels even better because i can give my lexa someone like clarke.

“Are you going to be okay?” Clarke asked as she walked over to the bed where her open suitcase was lying. Lexa was there too, lying in bed in a pair of shorts and a hoodie with her back against the headboard while Clarke packed her bags – she was leaving tomorrow morning. Lexa wasn’t doing much better than the last few days, other than maybe physically, Lexa’s been out of bed more – which she really shouldn’t be – and she seems a little less tired. But Clarke was still worried about leaving her alone; yeah, Lincoln was coming back tonight but that didn’t really comfort her.

 

“I’ll be fine.” Lexa replied with a half smile, she wasn’t entirely sure herself though. Even just last night, she woke up covered in cold sweat because of a nightmare and the only reason she fell asleep again was because she wrapped her arm around Clarke and pressed herself as close to her as possible. “Don’t worry.” But Lexa herself was worrying, classes will start again day after tomorrow, Clarke will be gone, and everything will have to go back to… _normal_.

 

Clarke wasn’t entirely convinced, Lexa _did_ sound convincing but she knew better. Doing her best to try and believe Lexa on this, she leaned down, picking up a t-shirt from the floor and holding it to her nose to make sure it was clean before tossing it on the bed by her open suitcase. “Can you just put that in for me?” Clarke asked, not really looking back at her as she looked through the side of the closet where her clothes were.

 

“Yeah sure,” Lexa nodded, straightening up and reaching over to the t-shirt that was a little away from her. She must’ve stretched a little too much because before she could help it, a small cry of pain escaped her lips.

 

Clarke’s head turned immediately at the noise, rushing over to Lexa’s side who had her face all scrunched up in pain. “Hey, are you okay?” She asked a little frantically, sitting down next to her and placing her hand over Lexa’s leg worryingly. Clarke scanned her eyes over Lexa, watching carefully as she caught her breath. “Lexa?”

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded, opening her eyes, “I’m fine.” She replied with a little difficulty. “Just stretched a little too much.” It was fine, really, it was no big deal but her hand went down on her stomach, over the bullet wound. “It’s fine.”

 

That last one didn’t sound too convincing and Clarke almost wanted to pull her t-shirt over and check her wound to make sure everything was, indeed, okay. But Clarke knew Lexa wouldn’t want that; the only time Clarke had seen her wounds was back in the hospital. Once they had gotten back to the apartment, Lexa had been careful about when and where she changed, not wanting Clarke to see even the bandages covering them let alone the marks themselves. Lexa didn’t like looking at them herself because the bullet wound was still raw and healing, and no part of her wanted anyone else to have to see it.

 

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked again.

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded immediately, the sharp pain having faded enough for her to get up and reach for the t-shirt – being more careful this time. “I got it.” She brought it up, looking down at it because Lexa knew Clarke was probably glaring at her for trying to pick it up again. “What? It’s fine.” Lexa tried to smile it off, she looked back at her before folding the shirt, knowing Clarke was just going to scrunch it up and put it in her suitcase. “Clarke, I’m fine, this was nothing.” Lexa gave her a smile, a real one this time.

 

“I know.” Clarke let out a sigh, but no, she couldn’t make herself believe it – Lexa wasn’t okay and if the last few days were anything to go by, she wouldn’t be fine on her own, not yet. Okay, yes, she could take care of herself, Lexa could take care of herself but…maybe not now, not right away after this. “I just worry.” She smiled at her, leaning forward slightly and pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “You know, after everything…” Clarke said quietly against Lexa’s lips. “I just…” She shook her head, unable to finish her sentence; _I just can’t imagine losing you, I can’t imagine my life without you, I can’t imagine something happening to you_ , _I can’t imagine you just being…gone_.

 

“I know,” Lexa just nodded, her eyes closing as her hand came up to Clarke’s face. She leaned her forehead against Clarke’s; it was a lot, everything that happened in the past couple of weeks, it was just… _a lot_ to deal with. “It’s a lot…”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded slowly before bringing herself away, “It is.” She agreed. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay alone?”

 

Lexa nodded, pulling herself together, “Lincoln’s coming back tonight, I won’t be alone.” She tried telling her, but Lexa knew herself well enough to know that she wouldn’t be talking to Lincoln much about this. He did have an idea of how bad it was but given how he wasn’t here when Lexa came back home from the hospital, Lexa didn’t want him to see her the same way Clarke had to the past week. “Not really.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Yeah, but I know you.” She told her, “You’re just going to go back to pretending everything is fine.” They had established that everything wasn’t, and that was okay, everything didn’t need to be fine after what happened to her – it was actually pretty normal. But Clarke knew Lexa would just put up that front again because she didn’t like anyone seeing her as anything other than _fine_. Even with her mom and sister, Lexa didn’t want them to know how she was actually doing because she thought it would just be a burden on them to have to worry about her – it was just a lot easier for everyone if she just made them believe she was doing perfectly alright. “And babe, that’s not good for you.”

 

Lexa knew that, she knew her way of dealing with things wasn’t always the healthiest but…that’s the only way she knew how. So she just shrugged at Clarke, unsure of what to say. “It’s just easier that way.”

 

“For whom?” Clarke asked gently. “Definitely not for you.”

 

“For everyone else.”

 

“Everyone else doesn’t matter right now.” Clarke tried telling her. “Not about this, not when it comes to what you’re going through.” Lexa didn’t respond, only looked away. “You don’t have to do anything for anyone else right now. You need to take care of yourself.”

 

“Easier said than done.” Lexa sighed. “Its the only way I know how to deal with things.” She wasn’t looking at her but Lexa could feel Clarke taking her hand, waiting for her to continue, “Just push everything down, and not think about it,” She explained, “It’s just easier that way.” Lexa repeated, before looking up, “But I’m trying.” She told her, “I know it’s not the best way to deal with it and I’m…trying.”

 

“I know,” Clarke gave her an encouraging smile, she was trying and Clarke knew that, Lexa was doing her best to open up to Clarke about it, she trying to not just push everything down and actually deal with it. “And I’m proud of you, I know it’s not easy.” She ran her thumb over the back of Lexa’s hand. “But you’re trying and that’s what’s important.”

 

Lexa only watched her for a moment, unsure of how to respond to her because it was just…unreal how supportive and patient Clarke was with her. “How do you do it?”

 

“Do what?” Clarke gave her a questioning look, not really knowing what Lexa was talking about right now.

 

“Be so understanding and patient with me.” Lexa answered, “I know I can be… _difficult_ sometimes and it’s just…” She trailed off a little hesitantly, “I don’t know how you do it, put up with it all, with all of me.”

 

“It’s not nearly as hard as you think.” She replied. It wasn’t; sure it could be a little frustrating at times because it wasn’t easy getting through to Lexa about some things, but she wasn’t difficult. Once Clarke figured that out, she knew she just had to be patient and gentle with Lexa because she didn’t like being pushed. And rushing her or forcing her to open up or talk about something she wasn’t ready to, wasn’t going to work, it would just push her further away.

 

“Well, it can’t be easy.” Lexa responded, falling silent for a second, “I can’t be easy.”

 

“What’s so great about easy?” Clarke asked instantly. “Sure, maybe you’re not easy, and the distance isn’t easy, and everything with us at the moment probably isn’t easy.” She added, speaking honestly because that was true, the distance wasn’t easy, being so far away for over two years now wasn’t easy. “But I don’t want easy.”

 

“But it’s just…so messy right now.” Lexa looked away from her. “The shooting and…me…” She trailed off, not really knowing how to explain it. Everything just felt like a lot; not just physically, but also mentally, Lexa was having a really hard time with _everything_ now. She was a mess in the hospital, and then she was a mess the week she was at home with Clarke, and now she’s doing slightly better but not by much. “I mean, even before that really, I’m not… _easy_.”

 

“And that’s fine.” Clarke shrugged; Lexa wasn’t wrong about that, there was just a lot in her past that shaped her into the person she was now. And there was also a lot of things that happened to her that made her how she was in terms of talking to someone and opening up to them. But Clarke understood, she knew there was a reason to it all and it didn’t change anything about Lexa; it didn’t change the way she saw her, didn’t change how much she loved her, or the person Lexa was – she was kind and gentle and just had so much love to give. But it was hard for her to show that, made it hard for her to love and let people love her, so Clarke knew it was a process, it had taken her a long time to get through to her. It was all worth it though, getting through to Lexa and showing her that she can trust her enough to let her in, let her love her, and to show Lexa she could let herself love again. “I wouldn’t change what we have for the world.” Clarke added, “I’d take away the weight you have to carry around, but I wouldn’t change us.”

 

“I love you, you know that right?” Lexa asked, almost a serious question.

 

“Of course I do.”

 

Lexa gave her a small nod, “I just…didn’t think I’d ever get here, that I’d ever find someone like you.” She told Clarke honestly, “Someone who saw all of me and then decided that there was nothing wrong with it.” She could feel Clarke making small circles on the back of her hand with her thumb and Lexa didn’t really know where all of this was coming from right now.

 

“That’s because there is nothing wrong with it.” Clarke told her gently. “Things haven’t been the easiest with you and that’s not your fault.” She added. “It made you a bit more closed up, and it made it harder for you to open up but…none of that’s your fault.” She looked at Lexa, wanting her words to get to her; Clarke knew there was a part of Lexa that blamed herself for everything that has happened to her, made it out to be her problem. “You’re an amazing person, someone I can’t imagine my life without now. I mean, despite everything the world threw your way, you still ended up this kind and gentle and loving soul that anyone would be lucky to call their soulmate.”

 

Clarke’s words felt a lot heavier than Lexa had thought, and before she realized it, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m the one who’s lucky.” She told her instead, trying to keep her voice from cracking.

 

Clarke gave her a half shrug, “I think we both are.” She told her instead, “That the universe put us together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways so clarke is a great girlfriend and she's just so supportive and patient with lexa it's amazing. so yeah, let me know what you thought.


	17. How's my girl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's first day back in class and out in the real world. It's not that great because there are little things that trigger her and everything around her is just too much. There's a talk with Clarke in the second half and Lexa's thinking about some things, mostly about how Clarke told her that it was okay to not be okay sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> onf first day back is not a fun one, it never is and especially for lexa coz she's just kinda all over the place. but hey, we're moving along with things now. lexa wants to change things, she wants to get better and she knows now that it's okay to not be okay. yeah, she's still unsure about it, still feels its weak to ask for help but she knows that's not true and she won't get better unless she does get help.

Lexa had woke up earlier than she’d want to, she couldn’t sleep in even though her class wasn’t till 1pm. It was only 7am now, and she’d had to get herself out of bed because she’d already spent enough time there the past week. She wasn’t too sure about going back to school now, maybe Clarke was right, maybe she needed some more time to work through things just enough to at least be able to step out of house on her own without jumping at every small noise. Lexa didn’t sleep too well the past night, the nightmares were constant and she thought that by now, she’d be used to them. But it was still hard, still as hard as it was when she’d had the first nightmare. It was a little better when she woke up to Clarke by her side though, just knowing that there was someone next to her helped ground her to reality from the awful flashback. But now, last night, she was all alone, it was just her in the empty bed. Waking up, covered in sweat, and gasping for breath, Lexa had reached out on the other side, the way she had been doing the past week when waking up to Clarke – but this time, she was alone.

 

Right now she was sitting in the kitchen, a mug of coffee in front of her as she yawned yet again before rubbing her eyes. It was early, and she was tired, and all she wanted to do was sleep. But she just couldn’t, Lexa couldn’t even keep herself in bed, she needed to get out of her room, do something, just anything to keep her unruly mind occupied. Lincoln would be up around 8am, he was going to the gym before his class and Lexa really wished she could join him. But she knew she couldn’t, and she had no idea _when_ she could. Lexa let out a small sigh, wanting to call Clarke, not to talk about anything specific, just to hear her voice. Clarke was probably asleep now though, she was pretty sure Clarke had a late class too, so she would be asleep now and Lexa didn’t wasn’t to wake her up.

 

Lexa was exhausted, her head was resting on her arm on the counter now, wanting to just dose off but her mind was racing. “God, just shut up,” Lexa muttered out exasperatedly to herself. “For one goddamned second.” She only shook her head, going silent as she closed her eyes again. But that only lasted a fraction of a second because the moment Lexa closed her eyes, images from the shooting flooded her – too many memories, the images of the gun glued on the back of her eyelids, the images of her bloody hands as she pressed against the bullet wound, the image of the blood seeping out of her as she passed out….

 

She didn’t hear him walk up to her, Lexa had no idea anyone was even there until Lincoln’s hand touched her shoulder. Lexa jumped out of her seat, even taking a couple of steps away from him, muttering a small _fuck_ as she finally realized it was just Lincoln. “Goddammit.” Lexa shook her head, her breathing heavy as she ran her hand over her face.

 

“You okay?” Lincoln asked worriedly, not sure what just happened.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lexa nodded, trying to sound convincing, “You just caught me by surprise.” She shook her head at herself, sitting back down. “It’s nothing.”

 

“Are you sure?” Lincoln asked, sitting down next to her, scanning his eyes over her as Lexa seemed to catch her breath.

 

“I didn’t get much sleep.” Lexa tried to explain, not wanting to tell him what was actually wrong. “So I’m a little jumpy, that’s all.”

 

“Why are you awake though?” Lincoln asked after a moment, not really needing to question Lexa anymore. “Isn’t your class at like…noon?”

 

“It’s at one.” Lexa agreed, “But I couldn’t sleep.” She finally looked up at him, “Is it eight already?” Lincoln nodded, Lexa reaching over for her coffee mug because she can swear she only woke up five minutes ago. Her mug was cold, it had been almost an hour since she made herself coffee… “I swear I only woke up five minutes ago.” Lexa said under her breath with a puzzled look – losing track of time was definitely not a good thing.

 

“You can go back to bed,” Lincoln suggested, not really catching what Lexa had just said. “Get a few more hours if you need to, you’re going back after a long time.”

 

Lexa only shook her head, “I’m fine, I think I’ll just watch some TV, maybe call Clarke.” She shrugged. “Then head out.” Lexa added before asking, “Are you going to the gym?” Lincoln nodded in response and Lexa gave him a small smile, “Put in a couple of extra reps for me.” She told him as she stood up, picking up the coffee mug and walking over to the microwave to heat it up again.

 

“Will do.” Lincoln nodded, getting up as well. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

 

.

 

“Yeah, I’m walking to class right now.” Lexa said into the microphone of her headphones’ cable as she walked out of her apartment building. “Actually I just left the apartment.” She was talking to Clarke, well Clarke had called her as she was getting out of the elevator. Lexa didn’t want to call her until later at night, knowing that Clarke would be free then. And she had a feeling Clarke would be a little worried about her if she had called her first thing in the morning. But the truth was, Lexa was a little worried about going back, loud noises were still a problem and sudden contact like the one this morning when Lincoln had walked up to her; so she didn’t know how she’d be being back on campus.

 

“Are you gonna walk past…” Clarke trailed off, wanting to ask if she’d have to go down the same way by the street where she had been shot.

 

“No,” Lexa answered before Clarke could finish. “I have to walk a few minutes more but I don’t want to walk past that. I don’t think I can just yet.”

 

Clarke nodded to herself, that was a good idea – it was one of the things she was most worried about. “When did you wake up?” She thought Lexa would sleep in like the past few days, not wake up earlier than she needed to.

 

“Uh…” Lexa thought for a second. “Around seven I think.”

 

“God, why?”

 

“Wanted an early start.” Lexa answered quickly, clearly lying but Clarke didn’t speak, only waited for Lexa to tell her the truth. “Fine,” She sighed, “I couldn’t sleep, and I wanted to get out of bed.” She told her finally. “I’ve been stuck in bed long enough, so I just got some coffee and watched TV until I had to leave.”

 

That wasn’t convincing, not really, wanting get out of bed would be like 9am, not seven. “How’d you sleep?” Clarke asked instead.

 

Lexa thought for a second, she didn’t want to worry Clarke but at the same time she knew Clarke wouldn’t be convinced if she just said _fine_. If anything, she’d be more worried because she would know Lexa was lying to her. “As well as the last few nights, so y’know…” That was a safe bet, it didn’t imply she had slept perfectly fine but at the same time it wasn’t really out of the ordinary.

 

“Are you going to be okay today?” Clarke asked after a moment, concern evident in her voice. “You know…being around too many people and all that…?” She didn’t want to push too much, Lexa didn’t like it, obviously, but Clarke was right though, after what she’s seen the past week, Lexa wasn’t too good with well…just being outside and around people.

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded to herself. “I should be fi-” But before she would finish her sentence, she almost jumped as a car behind her honked suddenly. “ _Fuck_ ,” She swore under her breath, not too happy with the way she reacted.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Clarke asked from the other side, sounding more worried now.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Lexa tried as she caught her breath. “It was just a car.” She explained. “It was…loud.”

 

This is what Clarke was talking about, Lexa wasn’t that great right now around loud noises or too many people. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” She asked again and Lexa only hummed in response which was quickly followed by a sharp gasp. It sounded like she was startled again by something. “Baby you don’t have to push yourself like this.” Clarke tried telling her. “If you’re not ready right now, please, give yourself some more time.”

 

“I’m fine, Clarke.” Lexa replied with a small smile although Clarke couldn’t see it. “It’s just been a while, but it’s fine.” She was probably trying to convince herself more at this point. “I’ll see how today goes, if it’s not too great and I feel like I need it, I will take some time out, okay?” That was what Lexa was planning on doing anyways; she was a little desperate to get things back to the way they were but Clarke was right too – she might need a bit more time. Well she probably needed a lot _more_ than just time and space, after all, she was shot, and she did almost die; no one gets back from something like that so easily.

 

“Okay good,” Clarke nodded, she just wanted Lexa to cut herself some slack and take it easy. “Babe I’m going into class now.” She told her reluctantly, not really wanting to hang up, “Call me if you need to talk okay? Please? Don’t just try to push them away, you know it doesn’t work.” Lexa muttered a small _I know_ before Clarke continued, “And I’ll call you tonight anyways, okay? I love you.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

.

 

Okay, maybe the day wasn’t that _great_ , but it wasn’t a nightmare – it could’ve certainly been worse. First off, it was a longer walk because Lexa didn’t want to walk past the street where she was shot. And that alone was enough to tire herself out, maybe it would’ve been better to just drive – but Lexa knew she was spacing out and disassociating quite a bit so she wasn’t sure if it would be _safe_ just yet. She wasn’t meant to get her heart rate up yet either, or do anything that was even remotely physically tiring. But this walk was, it was about twenty minutes and Lexa regretted taking the longer route – maybe walking past the street in broad daylight wouldn’t have been that bad.

 

After that, it was the fact that everything was just too loud and simply _too much_ for Lexa. The cars on the road, the people on the sidewalk, it was all just too much and it all just kept Lexa on edge. It didn’t get much better once she was in class either. Because, again, it was all just _too much_ , too many people around her, too crowded; after about an hour, Lexa almost felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore in there. The people there was the biggest problem for her; people brushing against her as they made their way to their seats, someone tapping her shoulder to say hi and ask how she was doing, or even someone suddenly calling out her name – even if it was the lecturer on her way out. It all made her flinch, and jump, and feel more vulnerable than she’d like to be.

 

But now she was alone, in her room, and it was quiet save for the music quietly playing from her laptop. The apartment was empty, Lincoln was out and it was only about 9pm. Lexa had next no idea what they did in class today, her notebook was practically empty, there were no more than three lines written down and that wasn’t like her; she’s one of those people who wrote down almost everything the lecturer was saying. She was just tired now, exhausted really and all she wanted was to take her meds and go to bed and not have to wake for a few days. Lexa couldn’t explain why, but she could feel her eyes welling with tears as she lay on her bed. It was just a long day, and maybe it was the fact that she was finding everything so much harder to deal with than she had thought they would be.

 

She felt…alone right now. No one around Lexa understood what she was going through right now, everyone just looked at her with so much pity in their eyes – even Lincoln. She knows it’s not intentional for a lot of them – especially him – but it still made her feel…worse about it all, weaker, more broken. Clarke and her family were probably the only ones who didn’t show her any pity – sympathy, sure, but never pity. It was just bad tonight, because the last couple of weeks, Clarke was here at the end of the day, and although she didn’t know what Lexa was going through, she was still there for her.

 

Lexa was lost in her thoughts, the world practically blurring out when her phone rang from the night stand making her jump. It took her a moment to get her heart rate down before sitting up and reaching for it. She was tired of jumping at every little sudden noise but the fact that the screen said _Sun and Stars_ made her feel a little better.

 

“How’s my girl?”

 

Lexa heard as soon as she answered the phone, the smile in Clarke’s voice very much obvious. “Hi babe,” Lexa couldn’t help but smile. “She’s good now.”

 

“Why now?”

 

“Because she’s talking to you.” Lexa replied. “How was your day?”

 

“First day after holiday is never fun, so it was alright.” Clarke answered with a shrug, “What about you, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Lexa nodded a little hesitantly, knowing Clarke wouldn’t be convinced. “You know, it’ll just take a little while to get used to everything again.” Lexa sighed, “But it was alright.” She didn’t want to worry her, not yet anyways, Lexa needed time to get used to everything again and before she was sure she wasn’t _okay_ with it all, she wasn’t going to worry Clarke.

 

“Are you just saying that because you don’t want to _inconvenience_ me?” Clarke asked knowingly. “Because even when I left, everything wasn’t _fine_.”

 

“No, no, it’s not that.” _It was_. “I’m just getting back to things and I know it will take some time, so it’s nothing to worry about.”

 

Lexa could hear Clarke sigh from the other end, “Okay,” She nodded reluctantly, you couldn’t argue with her – good thing she was on her on her way to be a lawyer/ “But babe, if you need to talk about anything,” Clarke started, “Not just now, whenever.” She clarified, “I’m always here, you know that right?”

 

“I know.” Lexa muttered, “I’ll see how this week goes, you know?” She continued, “And then I guess, I will decided if I need to take anymore time away.”

 

“Yeah, that’s good.” Clarke agreed, “But hey, if it gets too much before the week ends, please don’t push yourself too much.”

 

“I won’t.” She probably will, that was just who she was. “Hey, can I call you on FaceTime? I want to see you and I think there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke hung up with that, not even asking what she wanted to talk about. It was no more than a couple of seconds before she received Lexa’s call and answered. “What did you want to talk about?”

 

“Well…” She started a little hesitantly, “I don’t know if it’s too early to tell, but I’ve been thinking about this kind of all day,” Lexa continued, “Do you think it’d be a good idea for me to maybe see a therapist?” Clarke was here through it all, since the beginning, she’d seen her ever since she had woken up after the shooting, so if anyone could help her figure this out, it’d be her.

 

“Are you considering it?” Clarke asked before saying anything else, it would definitely be a good idea but she didn’t know if Lexa would want to hear her go _yes_ straight away.

 

“Yeah, I kind of am.” Lexa agreed reluctantly, maybe this was a long time coming, with everything from her childhood, and even after – it has kind of been just one thing after another with her. “And I’ve been thinking about what you said about how _sometimes its okay to not be okay_ and maybe this would be a good thing.” She told her. “And I realized I’m not going to get better or even come out of this until I try to change things for myself.” Lexa paused for a moment, knowing Clarke was letting her get it all out. “I’m just…not too sure about…asking for help.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with that babe,” Clarke finally responded. “And yeah, I think seeing a therapist would be a great idea.” She agreed. “Talk through all of this with someone who can help you figure things out and get better.” She was happy about it, definitely, this would be a really good thing for Lexa.

 

Lexa nodded, “It’ll be a good thing right?” She asked hesitantly because she wasn’t sure about it, Lexa didn’t know if she could open up to someone or even talk about what happened – the shooting, or anything else because Lexa knew there was a lot more to her than just the shooting and what that brought along.

 

“Yeah absolutely.” Clarke agreed. “You don’t have to stick with it if you don’t like it, but give it a go, I think it will help.” She gave Lexa a small encouraging smile. “This is a big step, even considering it is a big step.” Clarke added, “I’m really proud of you babe.”

 

Lexa smiled at her, looking away for a moment, it still blew her away how supportive Clarke was, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its funny coz i'm going back to school tomorrow. after a year. so i'm definitely feeling lexa on this. damn, mental health fucks things up. anyways, yeah, so lexa's trying to move along, get better, ask for help. so the stories finally moving along and yeah, that was fun to write. this fic is my baby and i love writing it. i'm so glad i got an update up before classes started because lmao imma burn out in a week and then fall behind on everything.   
> anyways, yeah let me know what you thought and leave me comments or hit me up on tumblr, i love hearing from you guys about this fic.


	18. Take some time off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A MOTHERF-ING CHAPTER WHAAAAAT??? A Lexa centric episode with an update on how things are going, on how she is doing. There are definitely some changes, things she's doing to help herself but for the most part...it's still hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY FUCKING UPDATED OMG WHO'S PROUD OF ME??? i don't have much to say about this one tbh, i'm still getting back into the swing of things, back into this story and i don't think this is the best chapter i've written but like it's not the worst either. it's okay. i have the next few chapters planned out so i'm hoping i'll be able to stay on track with the updates.

It had about a month now since Lexa had gone back to class, a couple of weeks since Clarke had left, and about two weeks since she started seeing a therapist. They were doing two days a week, her doctor recommended they do that for about a month or so because her there was quite a lot of work to do and it was best to start strong. Lexa wasn't too sure how she felt about that, the sessions seemed to get more and more exhausting, it may have had something to do with the fact that she was opening up more and more with each passing session. The first session was her least favorite if anything because they just went over…a lot of things in the span of an hour. He asked her a lot of questions, just trying to figure out where to start because when they started, Lexa was just…quiet. She did get right to the point though, Lexa told him about the shooting because that was mostly why she was here – but Dr. Davis wanted to make sure there weren't any other issues that might be worth talking about. And there was. There were definitely more issues worth talking about.

 

It was her fourth session today, she hadn't told Clarke much about what they'd been like and Clarke hasn't pushed. Lexa was grateful for that, there was a reason those sessions were private and she would open up to Clarke when she was ready, and Clarke knew that. All Clarke asked after the days of her sessions were just, how did it go? And Lexa would give a small reply, tell her if she was tired or exhausted from it, or if she felt a little lighter and it went well. Clarke would let it go after that, she'd nod and tell her how great she was doing, and how she was making progress. She wouldn't ask anything else, not unless Lexa kept the conversation going. The first day was probably the only time Lexa actually told her what they talked about and how she was doing after it.

 

Today wasn't…great, they talked more about the shooting, more specifically about the triggers because that's seemed to be a big thing for her right now – honestly, up until this point, Lexa was pretending there weren't any. Sudden loud noises, physical contact…it was just a lot of things that took her back to the shooting. The worst was when she was on campus, especially when the place she was at was busy. She hasn't gone into her usual coffee shop since returning from the shooting just because of how crowded it always is. And she hasn't walked home after dark since then, hell she hasn't gone anywhere after sundown because Lexa just…can't make herself do it. Even when she goes out alone, it's in the middle of the day, when its bright out and busy and there are people around – which is also a problem if anything, because the loud noises and the people and all the cars don't help. At all. Someone brushing past her, a car honking suddenly, or just any loud noise coming from anywhere suddenly was enough to make Lexa jump.

 

And right now, she was sitting on the kitchen floor, wanting nothing more than a hard, strong drink as she sat there with her head in her hands. She was tired, and exhausted, and just worn out if anything – it was a really tiring session today. Lexa wanted to crawl into bed, under her comforter and just drift off to sleep. But more than that, she wanted to be with Clarke, Lexa could feel the tears coming – even more than the ones she had shed in the past hour – and she just wanted Clarke's arms around her. There was a tightness in her chest, her throat closing up, just wanting to burst out crying but if anything, she was too tired and there was nothing left in her today, no ounce of energy to even make a noise.

 

She would've called Clarke, Lexa wanted to hear her voice but she knew she would just start crying the moment Clarke answered. Lexa was drifting away from her friends, she was pushing them away and just not letting anyone talk to her or ask her about the shooting – not even just are you okay? She probably hasn't talked to Lincoln all day, he wasn't home now and after the first week or so, he got the feeling that Lexa didn't…want him around and he's been trying to stay out of her way. That wasn't true, it's not that she didn't want him around, it was just the fact that Lexa didn't want to be seen like this, she didn't want to be seen as weak and hurting and just everything she was right now.

 

A drink would be good right now, but she couldn't, she had just gotten off her medications but her doctor still hadn't cleared her for anything – physical activities, substance use, even over the counter drugs had to be cleared by Dr. Jackson. She was getting there though, according to him, she was making good progress and if anything, Lexa could be back in the gym in about another month or so if she wanted. But right now…Lexa was fighting herself from getting up and pulling out something from Lincoln's stash of vodka and whiskey, He thought he was doing a good job at hiding them but Lexa knew exactly where they were.

 

Before she could though, Lexa felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, making her jump almost. Sun and Stars, it was Clarke. Lexa took a deep breath, calming herself for a moment before answering. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

 

"Hey, baby."

 

And she was crying. All it took was Clarke's voice and Lexa was just a sobbing mess. She didn't know why though, maybe it was because she hadn't heard her voice all day; well, Lexa hadn't really talked to anyone but Dr. Davis all day. She was just going through the motions, the last few days, today, probably tomorrow as well. Nothing felt real anymore, Lexa herself didn't feel real; she was just here, nothing mattered but she was just existing. She wanted to disappear for a while or hit a pause button until she was feeling more like herself again, feeling more like she wasn't just surviving but actually living. Being alone wasn't helping either; she was pushing Lincoln away, she barely saw him anyways and even when he was home, Lexa was locked in her room alone, not really wanting to talk to him about…anything.

 

"Hey, hey, why are you crying?" Clarke asked immediately as the response from the other side registered to her. "Lexa, what's wrong?" She was worried, very much so. Clarke didn't know what was wrong, she knew Lexa had an appointment with her therapist today and that usually meant she would be having a hard night. But this was…more worrying than usual, because it usually wasn't this bad; she might've sounded off, or tired, or upset but Clarke is almost certain she hadn't broken down just by answering the phone. "Hey, talk to me please." But then again, Lexa didn't do much of talking, not since Clarke had returned home.

 

And Lexa didn't, she didn't answer, it was just sobs in response to whatever Clarke had said. Honestly, Lexa probably didn't even listen to what Clarke had just said to her. Words wouldn't come out, just chocked up sobs, noises barely making out from within her. There was a tightness in her chest, constricting her breathing and her ability to…produce any kind of noise it seemed. She wanted to stop, nothing more than to just stop crying and pull herself together and just…talk maybe. Shut up Lexa, was all she could really think about, she wanted to get herself to shut up and stop acting like the mess she was. "I-" She finally managed to choke out, the syllable just managing to come out of her as Lexa felt herself running out of breath. "I can't stop." Her chest was heaving, there wasn't enough oxygen in her lungs to allow her to catch her breath. "Clarke I-" Lexa tried again, shaking her head, almost worried about it herself. "Can't stop."

 

"Just breathe okay," Clarke tried. "Listen to my voice and just try to breathe." She was doing her best to keep her voice calm, because yes, she was panicking a little right now because of how frazzled and distraught Lexa sounded. Clarke didn't know what had happened today, she didn't know what to say that might help. "It's gonna be okay baby," She did her best to calm her down, telling her how things would be okay and how things would get better. The only thing Clarke wanted right now was to be with Lexa right now, she sounded like she needed someone by her side right now. She just wanted to be by her side because Clarke knew Lexa didn't like to talk when she was feeling like this, but she knew she would want someone there with her.

 

"Everything's too much Clarke," Lexa spoke tiredly after a while. "I can't really keep up with everything." She finally admitted. Maybe she should've taken some more time off from her classes, her teachers would've understood – after all, she did get shot. And asking for some more time to herself would be alright.

 

"Take some time off," Clarke suggested to her again. "Go home baby, take some time to yourself."

 

"I don't know." Lexa shrugged it off. "I don't want to worry my mom, I'm fine." That was the biggest lie she had probably ever said to Clarke. But she did feel alone, she didn't have anyone to talk to anyone to go to after a bad day and Clarke had left way too early.

 

"Then take some time off from school," Clarke said instead. "Stay home, relax and just…babe give yourself some time to heal."

 

"I'm fine." There it was again. "I just had a bad day."

 

Clarke rolled her eyes to herself, just a moment ago Lexa was saying how everything felt too much for her. "Just one bad day?" She asked her knowingly. Clarke only heard a sigh from the other end before speaking again. "Talk to me please."

 

"I don't know what to say," Lexa admitted, her voice low and quiet. "I haven't slept in who knows how long, I'm barely functioning and I just…really want to drink right now."

 

"You're not sleeping?" Clarke decided to start with that one; yes, the last one worried her more because Lexa really wasn't a drinker, maybe just the occasional drink on a night out but she rarely ever drank when she was at home.

 

"It's just the nightmares." Lexa tried to brush it off, not really wanting to expand on that. They were still bad, she'd wake up a little too often, every time feeling like she was back in that moment. "I'm working on it." She added with a long, tired sigh. Lexa fell silent after that, she could here Clarke speaking on the other side but none of the words seemed to register. She asked something, that's all Lexa's brain decided to pick up on, and even after Clarke finished, Lexa remained silent. "I wish I was with you." She admitted quietly. Yes, it wouldn't fix everything, it wouldn't make it all better. But…it would help. It would help to be with Clarke, to be in her arms and just to hear her voice, not through the phone.

 

"Yeah, me too," Clarke replied gently. "I just want to help you through this." She shook her head at herself, she hated having to be so far away from Lexa anyways, but it was just worse now, after the shooting, knowing how much Lexa was going through. "We could be in bed now." Clarke started softly, "You could be in my arms and I would do everything I could Lexa to help lessen the pain, anything." She was tearing up a little too, she could hear from Lexa's voice how bad everything was right now. She didn't just sound upset, she sounded exhausted and defeated. It had been a while now, yes, it had been over a month – it wasn't that long but Clarke and Lexa were both hoping things would ease a bit by now.

 

Lexa had half the mind to just drop everything right now and buy a one-way ticket to New York and to just forget about everything else. She was tired and exhausted and being alone was honestly just making it worse. It was bad even when Clarke was here but it did help to have someone to wake up to in the middle of the night. And well, everything was just getting a little too much to cope with, like she had said to Clarke earlier, everything was too much, class and school work and well just existing in general. Maybe it would help to take a few days off from…everything. Before she was thinking though, before she even knew the words were coming out of her mouth, Lexa was talking "I'm coming over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so like, an update once a week. or once every two weeks. but like we'll see. i think i'll be alright. and honestly thanks to everyone who's still reading and sticking around, y'all are amazing. (also in the mean time, pls hit me up with comments they do make me work faster)


	19. Can I stay for a while?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa shows up at Clarke's place a little unexpectedly. And well...she's not really in a good place, mentally, emotionally. But Clarke gets her to talk a little and we get to see a bit of what's going on in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEEEEEEE AN UPDATE. IN TIME. ish. in time-ish. but like i said once a week or once every two week so i did it can you believe???  
> okay look i was a fucking idiot. i messed up the timeline in this chapter and it only takes place in a day/two days, actually less than 24 hrs but i messed it up. the last two pages i wrote is actually meant to be in the middle of the chapter timeline wise. sO i fixed it. it took a while but like i managed to fix it somehow like what kinda stupid ass mistake. but yeah i wrote it over a few days so i just forgot what was happening and....yeah anyways doesn't matter now because i got it done and updated in tIME

“Hi,” Lexa greeted as the door opened in front of her. She was at Clarke’s, hell, she hadn’t even told her that she was actually coming.

 

The last time they talked – a few hours ago – all Lexa said was _I’m coming over_ , and then just…hung up. She knew Clarke had called her after that, while she was packing and looking at tickets for the next flight to New York. Lexa didn’t even know what had come over her but before she even knew it, she was leaving the apartment with a small duffel bag, going to the airport. It was late even when the two of them were talking, a little past 7 and by the time Lexa was boarding her plane, it was closer to 10. So yes, it was late now but she knew Clarke would be awake; she hated worrying her like that but Lexa didn’t have it in her to even call back. It was almost like she was going on autopilot up until the point she rang the doorbell.

 

The shocked look on Clarke’s face broke into a relieved smile in less than a second as her eyes registered her girlfriend. Lexa looked tired, exhausted and…a little lost if anything. There was an empty look in her eyes and a tiredness in her voice that broke Clarke’s heart. “I was so worried about you.” Clarke spoke, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Lexa. “Come inside.” She said quietly, her hand on Lexa’s back, leading her inside the apartment.

 

“Sorry,” Was the first thing Lexa said as she followed Clarke inside the apartment and towards the couch. “Sorry I worried you, I just…” She trailed off, not really having the words to even form coherent sentences – or thoughts even.

 

“Shush, not now.” Clarke stopped her. Yes, she wanted to ask her how she was, how she was doing, when she decided to come here and why Lexa just hung up on her. Things weren’t great, Clarke knew that by now but she could also see how tired Lexa was and knew she didn’t want to talk about anything. “Are you okay?” She asked her, taking Lexa’s bag from her. She looked out of it, almost like she was high and just…not even in the present.

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa admitted, she did feel out of it, disassociated really and she didn’t know what to do to…bring herself back to reality.

 

“Alright come on,” Clarke walked her past the couch and towards the bed. “Go to bed, okay?” She told her, “You’re tired and you really need to sleep.” Clarke sat her down before stepping away, “Strip down, get a t-shirt from my dresser.” She instructed. “I’ll get you some water.”

 

Lexa only nodded, doing as Clarke told her and walking over to the dresser. She started with the pants, just gray sweatpants Lexa wasn’t even sure when she had put on to be honest. She needed a shower really, and sleep, and well…Lexa needed to do all the very basic things everyone needs to. Maybe also eat, she wasn’t sure when she last had a meal because she still got nauseous – especially when she was feeling like…this. It took her a moment before gathering the will to peel her shirt off. Although it had been over a month, it was still hard to look at the scar the bullet had left behind. It was still healing, well it had healed a lot by now but it still wasn’t at 100%. And looking at it…it was still hard.

 

“You okay?” Clarke said as she walked back to Lexa, she was still standing in front of the dresser in just her t-shirt and underwear. That seemed to have brought Lexa back into reality from her thoughts.

 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded, turning to look at her. “I’m good, I don’t need to change.” She said to Clarke stepping away and towards the bed, leaving Clarke standing a few steps behind. Lexa just…didn’t want to see it right now, she didn’t want to expose the scar and have Clarke see it. “Can we sleep?” She asked tiredly, sitting down on the bed as Clarke made her way towards her.

 

“Yeah, come on.” Clarke nodded, leaning down and moving the comforter out of the way for her to sit down. “You alright?” She asked Lexa gently as Clarke watched Lexa lie down on her side of the bed. She didn’t get an answer, so Clarke only leaned away from the bed to turn the lights off before joining her. “Lex?”

 

“I’m fine.” That sounded stupid, even to Lexa it sounded stupid as the words left her mouth. That wasn’t true, she knew it, Clarke knew it; if it was, Lexa wouldn’t be here right now. “I don’t know Clarke.” Lexa admitted instead, letting out a sigh as she moved closer to Clarke. “I’m just tired…of everything and I need a break.”

 

“Sleep,” Clarke responded, kissing the top of her head. “We can talk tomorrow, okay?” She tried. “Whatever it is, we’ll work it out.”

 

“I’m here, okay? You don’t have to deal with this alone if you can’t or don’t want to.”

 

Lexa gave her a small tired smile, nodding as she looked away. “It has been worse alone.” She admitted. “The nightmares and the little triggers throughout the day…they’re worse than they were when you were in Chicago.” Lexa told her. It just helped to have someone there when everything seemed wrong and scary, just being there next to her and holding her, telling her she’s okay and reminding her that she’s alive. “I don’t really know if it’s because I don’t have anyone to turn to now or…” Lexa trailed off tiredly, almost sounding like she had lost her train of thought. “It’s just been building up and everything is a lot more intense now.”

 

She didn’t talk much about it, and at this point Clarke knew that Lexa probably didn’t want to talk about it. But right now, it was worth bringing up, “Is therapy helping?” Clarke asked her gently, her hand coming up to run through Lexa’s hair.

 

“Yeah.” Lexa nodded, closing her eyes as she felt Clarke’s fingers gently brushing against her. “But I don’t know…maybe I just need to stick with it longer or something ‘cause it’s not doing much right now.”

 

Clarke nodded at her, watching as Lexa yawned before leaning closer and kissing her forehead, “Sleep, okay?” She asked, “Rest now and we can talk in the morning.”

 

“I have so much going on in my mind,” Lexa spoke almost absentmindedly, at this point almost forgetting that she was speaking out loud. “It’s so loud in there.” She shook her head, “I don’t even know how to fall asleep, it’s just loud.” Too much was going on in her mind, way too much and it seemed like her mind didn’t want to shut up from voicing all those concerns. It was annoying, so annoying, every second of everyday, Lexa couldn’t get a moment of peace, of silence. There was a reason she wasn’t getting sleep, and this was it. She was trying to get her therapist to prescribe her something that might help with that, but he was still reluctant because he wanted to be able to give a proper diagnosis after a couple of sessions. Lexa understood, she did, it was for her own good really; but at the same time…she was desperate.

 

“Put your head on my chest.” Clarke told her gently, nudging her to move. “Listen to my heart beat, try to just focus on that.” She didn’t know what might’ve helped at this point; all she got right now was that, Lexa needed to sleep. Well, Clarke could also tell that there was a lot Lexa needed to talk about because yeah, it had been a while since she was in Chicago and after that, Lexa hasn’t really talked much about how she was doing. “Just close your eyes baby.”

 

Lexa nodded against Clarke, trying to as she suggested, not really noticing when her hand had gone up to wrap her fist around Clarke’s shirt. “I missed you.” She told her quietly, Lexa just wanted to stay here, in this moment with Clarke in bed with her. She felt almost peaceful at this moment, her mind quieter than usual, not worrying or on edge. She felt safe in Clarke’s arms; at home, in her bed, Lexa couldn’t really relax when she was alone or trying to sleep – she was almost waiting for a loud noise, a sudden movement, _something_. It just didn’t feel…safe anymore. “It just…I don’t feel safe anymore.” There she went off again, not really realizing she was speaking until the words had come out of her mouth.

 

“You’re safe now.” Clarke reassured her, pressing another kiss to the top her girlfriend’s head. “I got you and you’re safe here Lex.” She told her. “I promise, you’re safe here, I got you.”

 

“You won’t let go?” Lexa asked, almost a little scared that all of this was just a dream. Maybe she was still in her bed in Chicago…well, she was sleep deprived enough for her mind to just come up with something like this.

 

“I won’t.” Clarke said softly, “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

 

* * *

 

It was bad; simply put, it was bad, things were bad with Lexa and she wasn’t really coping too well. It was a little past noon now and the two of them were on the couch together, Clarke’s arms around Lexa as she lay there with her head on Clarke’s stomach. They were still talking, well Lexa was talking and Clarke was listening – listening and prompting her to talk really because she didn’t seem to want to. It was just hard since the shooting and well…it wasn’t getting better, not by much.

 

Therapy was helping, it was but not quite as much to make a real difference. Lexa liked her therapist, he was very understanding and she felt comfortable talking to him but…it just wasn’t enough. She saw him twice a week for an hour at a time, and well for the remaining 187 hours of the week, she was on her own, inside her mind and dealing with the outside world. Lexa didn’t like how sensitive she was to everything; physically, it was almost miraculous how quickly she was making progress but mentally…that was a totally different story. Nightmares were constant, she still couldn’t handle being in complete darkness, sudden noises did a lot more than just make her jump – it was only two days ago that someone dropping their laptop in the lecture hall triggered a panic attack in Lexa and she had to just get up and leave.

 

Everything was too much and Lexa needed a pause button on her life. She needed to take a step back from everything, her classes, responsibilities, homework and assignments…just drop everything for a while. But that was easier said than done really, she was over halfway through her junior year of college, she couldn’t drop everything and lock herself in her bedroom. That didn’t seem possible, not at all. But then again, go about her daily life didn’t seem possible at this point either. Well, maybe it didn’t seem impossible but it certainly seemed _very_ difficult.

 

Lexa knew she could take some more time off from school, but she didn’t know if they would take her seriously if she said it was because of the shooting given how she had been in for a month now. That was taking a toll on her, it was so hard to just get out of bed in the morning let alone go to class and try to be a functioning member of society. She’s not sure if it would’ve helped to have taken more time off right after the shooting, maybe she’d be in the same spot right now regardless.

 

“Can I stay for a while?” Lexa asked quietly, turning her head to look up at Clarke. “I know you have classes, and you’re busy with eve-”

 

“Of course you can stay.” Clarke replied instantly, from what Lexa had told her really, it seemed like she’d benefit from just…having someone around her. Sure, it wouldn’t fix everything, but it would make it a little easier. “As long as you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is up my dudes i hope everyone is doing well. idk if i am coz i've had a series of really dysphoric days but i'm getting shit done and it feels great to have a chapter up in time(-ish) and i'm hoping to update on time again so either next week or the week after. i'm gonna try next week because i probs won't manage the week after coz i'm out of town. anyways, thanks for reading and let me know what you thought.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope i'm doing good so far, let me know what you think; leave a comment or send me an ask on tumblr k17l53.tumblr.com and i have an updates blog for this fic if you wanna see me lose my shit every time i sit down to write clexa-smau.tumblr.com


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